Break up, break... His behaviour is confusing, help to understand?

So, we know each other for 10years (I'm 30, he is 37). But we became a couple 3years ago. Relationship started as sexual but it progressed to emotions and everything. Last 10months we're living together. Unfortunately he's absent from home most of the time due to work. Last 2months he was finally at home. Our relationship seemed almost perfect, we cleared any argument we had and both had a clear vision of what we wanted. One morning he announced it is over, because he doesn't feel anything special for me anymore. I was shocked, cried, but we talkee. He explained that his feelings changed, not knowing why, but he doesn't see me in his future anymore. He knows he should fight, but he is too tired to even be able to talk (he actually works 18hours per day, with maybe 0.5day off (per week)). He was not able to explain more as he stated he doesn't understand his feelings. I said I'll move out as soon as possible and will not spend another night there. Later he asked me if we can see each other in a week. I agreed. After a week we had a lovely day together: lots of fun and passionate sex. In the end i demanded we clear things out. He suggested "weekend relationship", i refused. Than he asked for a time for himself (to figure his issues) and we agreed to have a " break" for 2months. He said he will visit a therapist and we agreed that we will not be having sex or relationship with others (during break) and i will move out completely. Day later we had a funny exchange of texts (he was travelling to another country for work). After 3days i contacted him again, no reply. Meanwhile i moved out all my stuff and left him keys in mailbox. When he came back home, he sent me text, that he has been robbed (with smiley, stupid joke about noticing my absence). I replied casually (with hours of delay). He didn't reply anymore. After that I'm trying the "no contact" rule, because i'm still deeply hurting. He doesn't try to contact me. I don't understand his behaviour. Any advice?
Addition 1: We actually set a date, when we'll revisit situation (mid august). I do try to move on as much as possible, but it is hard as I'm also keeping a little hope for us getting back together. Though i think that scenario is highly unlikely. That is killing me... moving on while hoping to get back, trying to understand and letting go "the one". Still also rehabiliting myself (after surgery).

I don't want to lose myself, my dignity and sanity... Every day is so hard being in this limbo.
Addition 2: I`m also having a hard time keeping "no contact" rule with him. I`m really interested if he is making any progress in "putting himself back together". On the other hand I`m loosing my patience and I would like to say quits on this matter and officialy move to the "break up" scenario. Only due to the fact that I`m not sure how long will I be able to stay "torn" between possible outcomes.
Should I continue "no contact"? He doesn`t contact me, though.


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  • I'm sorry you are going through this. He definitely seems confused. At first I wondered if he had met someone during his travels with work. Either that or he thought it might be nice to be single and be able to play while he was away from home.

    On the other hand, he could just be mentally and physically exhausted with no time for him having his own space. With him working as many hours as he does and only having a small amount of time to be off work, spend time with you and get things done around the house aside from work, he has zero time for himself. That may sound selfish, but I can understand that reasoning for him needing a break.

    There's no doubt he cares about you and likes being around you, and maybe therapy will help him organize his thoughts and help him realize what he really wants, because he's definitely not helping you by breaking things off, then contacting you for intimate gatherings and weekend sex. The relationship start out sexual, and maybe there's something inside his mind that has held him back from deeply committing to you.

    You can give him more time, but I'm happy you placed boundaries not allowing him to just do what he wants. His breaking things off and telling you he doesn't feel what he used to is very hurtful, and it's insulting for him to be wishy/washy with your feelings by trying to have you see him at his convenience.

    I hope you can work things out, but mostly I hope they work out in your favor, whether you get back together or make a complete split and move on. It's no doubt going to take you time to heal, but if he's going to continue giving you mixed signals, perhaps it's best for you to tell him you'd rather him leave you alone and move on, because that's an awful lot of emotional rolling around he's doing to you right now.

    • Thank you Yosemitesam.
      It is really tough for me currently. And you actually summed up a lot of my thoughts. We definitely started sexually and he had troubles commiting me. But he did, i dont have doubts about that.
      I also asked him if there is another girl in this story. He said "no".

      Maybe additional info: while he was abroad I supported him 100%. He even couldnt believe how much and he will be always grateful. I never nagged and took care for all his home obligations (paperwork, car, his elderly mother...). But when he came back (last two months), I had really stressful time at work and I needed his support (emotional). He tried as he could but he mentioned a lot that he doesn't know what to do. Than I had surgery. He helped as he could (groceries) but I took care of myself most as he was very busy with work and visiting his mother as she was unfortunately hospitalised on other part of the country (lots of driving). I understood he was stressed...

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    • Thank you Yosemitesam for kind words and everything.

    • You're welcome, and I really hope everything works out for you.

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