I've tried the no contact thing but I'm getting more and more depressed

Boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me at the end of October. I had been pushing him away for some time, and I'm not sure why. I couldn't believe it when he was the one who broke up with me. I thought it was something that I wanted but could never do. He wanted me in his life as a friend, so we tried, but it was too hurtful being just friends so I told him I needed some time. I then did not have any contact with him for nearly 2 months. I finally contacted him and went to his house to drop something off for him. We talked and laughed and when I left, I told him he was my best friend and I missed him. He started to tear up when I was leaving. I want to get him his Christmas present, something that only I could give him, since I know him so well. And I want to write him a card that tells him everything I feel for him and how baldy I want this to work. Is this a good idea or bad? I've tried the no contact thing but I'm getting more and more depressed about the situation and I want to fight to the death for our relationship. I actually believe he is the love of my life, I just needed some time to realize that.

Updates:
So I wrote him the card and got him the present and gave them to him today. He read the card and began crying. He sat silent for a while. I started tearing up too and told him to open the rest. He opened and started to cry more.
I started to tear up as well and he said he couldn't accept it. We cried and hugged for a really long time and I left... I am so heartbroken but I guess that's it right? I need to give up...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I would typically say to "move on" and do something that helps your self-esteem so that you are not identifying with "needing" him so much, to help with closure.

    However, since you said you went over there and it was a great connection, I recommend that you call him.

    Don't go over there.

    Don't buy him anything.

    Don't leave him a message or write a letter.

    Just call him and talk to him.

    Ask him about his current feelings, and if the recent visit sparked anything in him.

    Doing this over the phone will allow him the distance to be able to decline your advances without embarrassing you, and would probably give you a more truthful answer than saying it in front of him, and him lying to you, to protect your feelings.

    If you feel you might get tongue-tied...write down what you want to say, but don't say it like a speech.

    Ask him specifically if he would like to reconnect as either friends or a boyfriend relationship.

    LET HIM ANSWER.

    If he dances around it, and says things like "well...I don't know..." and other non-committal phrases, then he is trying to spare your feelings, but is not interested.

    If he definitely says YES, I'd like to try again, or MAYBE, let's start as friends, or some other specific comment that invites you to be together, then this could be the start of a 2nd chance.

    HOWEVER...begging him, or pleading with him to try again and offering to be different "this time" is only going to delay a break up in the future. It's so sad, and I'm so sorry to say this (because I've been on this end of being dumped) but if he isn't feeling the same way you are, you will forever be trying to make him love you, and you deserve more than that. It is an unfullfilling existence, which will make you depressed, frustrated and angry.

    Good relationships DO need to be managed, but shouldn't be forced. If he is NOT the one, it will be very rewarding for you when you find the right guy, who can't wait to be with you, and loves you for who you are, everyday. If you spend your time focused on the wrong one, you will miss these opportunities.

    Best of luck.

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What Guys Said 7

  • I'm not sure why you pushed him away, and didn't just let the relationship casually progress--trust issues, fear of intimacy, fear of commitment? You might want to figure that out, or get help figuring that out, sooner rather than later so that it doesn't cause future relationship problems for you. In any case, I can sympathize.

    Write the card if you want to, but try not to make it too heavy-hitting. I'd recommend just stating in simple short terms what you're feeling. I'd lean toward making it short--a long statement might put more psychological pressure on him, but that's just me. Not knowing him, I don't know how he'd respond to the card; every guy is different. But it should make him think. Ultimately it's his decision to take you back--we're all independent beings. Communicate your desire to him, but don't turn it into a "fight"--don't let your passions push him even further out of your reach. Just be simple, straightforward, and most of all confident in yourself, never placing all your hopes and dreams in one person. I wish you the best of luck.

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  • I think you both have feelings for each other and it would be great for you two to be back together.

    But, to ensure that history does not repeat itself, try to figure out your inner feelings about why you were pushing him away. The cause may be something in you, him or the circustances.

    Until you remove that, the same thing might happen again.

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  • i just have to ask, because your answer could help me with my own problem...how were you pushing him away? and are you sure you have no idea why you were pushing him away? even a "i THINK this was the reason" could help me...thanks :)

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    • Yo space wolf, I had the same "pushing away" problem we had stopped hanging out together outside of our group and he stopped talking to me like I was his girlfriend this had been going on for about a month finally I was fed up so I asked him he said "he stopped caring about me..." communication is the key! right now were broken up but I miss him and we still flirt but don't talk... hope this helped a little bit

    • Iv'e realized that my ex doesn't care anymore, and doesn't even miss me....iv'e accepted that she isn't ever comming back......and though I'm positive that ill never love somebody as deeply as I loved her, I'm moving on with my life and casually flirting with girls (even though I still haven't found a single girl attractive...only my ex.....) I guess....there are no endings like in the movies, there is only reality....

      you can't fight fate....

  • i would say go for it I wish my ex felt the way you did that would be the best christmas present ever goo luck

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  • ask him directly about getting back together if no , then yes you need to break off all communication and give both of you time to heal . that amount of time maybe be months or year(s)

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  • Why did you push him away? You're stupid. I'm sure he can do better than you.

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    • WOW - kinda harsh dude...or is this a reaction to having had this done to you? Try to be helpful and not insulting to the girl - she's obviously having a hard time - as is he.

    • Thats mean!! we all have problems and ur not perfect either! be nice

    • Some people can't help themselves from pushing people they care about away, when someone gets badly hurt they push people away to keep from getting hurt so badly again... if anything I'd say she needs sympathy and understanding and someone willing to work through that, everyone wants to be loved, even if they have difficulties letting people in; and sometimes it makes finally getting in that much more special and makes the relationship that much more intimate, meaningful, and beautiful.

  • I think it's a good idea, you never know, he'll probably sy something similar back, to me it sounds like he's just been waiting for you.

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    • Sorry to hear that, but now you know whether or not it'd work out between you and you'll be able to find someone that loves you enough to stick with you past the pushing and it'll make your relationship that much more special, intimate and meaningful. There's nothing wrong in having tried and failed instead of never having tried and always wondering.

What Girls Said 14

  • The holidays are a particularly difficult time for a person who is going through a romantic loss...so part of what you are feeling may very well be the fear of going it alone for these family oriented days. Another part is it is not unusual after the initial split for people to start remembering the relationship with more of a rose tinted bias and for them to forget all the reasons you broke up to begin with. As long as you are aware these are emotional times to begin with - I'd say calling to discuss your feelings with him is the safest and best you can do while still saving face. Letters, presents and such - not so appropriate at this time. But one phone call after 3 years...may be just what you both need because you've had some time to be reflective and now can talk to one another without so much hurt and anger and can really discuss your relationship in a mature way.

    So good luck with all of this - you may call and ask him to have a chat after the new year when you both have had a longer period of time to think as well...

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  • If he still wants you in his life, just break your ego and contact him. Yes it will hurt, but at least you can get your relief and who knows what he will say? Maybe he is waiting for you to contact him because he knows you were the one who needed time out from him, so he is respecting your wishes.

    I don't think you should give him something for Christmas other than a card. Giving a present to an ex that you recently (2 months is still recent for a 3 year relationship) broke up with is kind of showing 'desperate' which may push him away a little bit (scare him that you thought that much to do that... even though it's a nice gesture from a long time ex). Me and my own ex have not been together but we always come back. I've done the no contact rule for a month and he came back. If you feel that you might lose him, give him a text, call him up, or email him. Then if things seem cool, talk to him again and be friends... That's what my ex did because he told me that he felt like he will lose me and he doesn't want that to happen. People might say the whole cake thing but if you think it's love and you really don't want to lose the person, someone has to break the silence. But if he really is not going to please you (as in you don't want to be 'just friends' if that's what you want), then you might as well move on.

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  • If he teared up, it probably mean he still has some wonderful feeling for you too. I think it is a GREAT thing. Get him the gift...Write the card.

    I don't if it is the right thing.

    But, it is what I want to do...

    My man of 5 years left me in June and I have had no contact with him since July.

    I also, "want to fight to the death for our relationship",...But I am a wimp and too scared to be hurt again.

    I guess I figure if he wants to come back he will come to me, I made my feeling very clear when it ended. And he has not come yet.

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  • plan it out. I think you guys have a really strong connection so if you want to seriously get back together, do it asap but think of what you're gonna say, how you're going to solve the issues that arose before.

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  • I'm sorry to hear that - I wouldn't all it 100% over but I would definitely try to move on a bit. I hope it works out for you.

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  • wow

    well girls I know how you feel

    and I don't know y you pushed him away but when that happens to me I push people that I love away bczu I'm scared that I could end up gettin hurt if I love them deeply and then they leave me

    tats why I push em away

    but that's jus me

    and well since the letter didn't work don't worry it might not have worked then

    but who knows if you guys are meant for each other he'll come back to you

    just give him some time to cool off and think bout things

    good luck and keep us updated ;)

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  • :( I know what you're feeling. my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me recently aswell, and I wrote him a letter too. I haven't given it to him yet though, I don't know if I should or not. Honestly, if he isn't chasing after you, then I think you should try to move on. You never know what can happen down the road, sometimes time apart helps people realize you need eachother.

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  • If he was your true love, he wouldn't break your heart like that. I think you should be like "oh.. he broke up with me. he hurt me. I don't know if I should love him..." and just act like you don't love him any more.

    Girl, no contact is at least 4 months. My ex texted me he was sorry after 4 months of no contact. 2 months for guys is nothing.

    And if you keep going back like that, he will never come back to you on his own because he thinks you will come back to him no matter what he does to you. He needs to feel the pain if you want him to come back.

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  • girl, fight for it. all my friends always tell me not to, but I end up texting him and calling him because I just miss him so much. but look, if he doesn't respond or reply or wanting to go back out with you, then you are going to be more depressed. it sucks being rejected that happened to me tonite. and I feel horrible.

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  • try the no contact thing again buut this time go out have fun and meet new people belive a day out will be good for you :)

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  • I am so sorry. I want to cry just reading that. Keep your chin up though. Nothing is more attractive than a happy and confident girl. I wish you the best!

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  • obviously he still cares for you, hopefully in a more intimate way than just friends.. if I were you I would do what you're suggesting about the xmas present and card, you have nothing to lose, it's not like you're doing all this for someone you just met or just had a fling with and let you go, you guys have been 3yrs together, he'll totally understand why you're doing that and will accept it, after that, it will be his call to decide whether he wants to give you a response or not.. I hope things work out in the best way for you, I can totally relate to you..

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  • (WELL ALRIGHT FIRST THING You MESSED UP ON IS DAT WEN You WAS PUSHIN HIM AWAY N You DNT KNO Y N THEN HE BROKE UP WIT You DAT WAS GONNA B HIS MOVE CUZZ You KEPT ON PUSHIN N You DID RIGHT WEN You TRYD DAH TALK TO HIM N GET N CONTACT N STUFF N DEN A PRESENT FOR CHRISTAMS STANDS FOR You MISS HIM N LOVE HIM N WUD N DID NOT WANT TO BREAK UP (SO YEA I THINK You SHUD WRITE HIM A LETTER N TELLL HIOOM HOW You FEEL ABOUT IHM N HE MIGHT FEEL THE SAME...))

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  • I'm in the same sistuation you are, only it was 2 years, and have no contact. I wanted to get him something for christmas, but I won't now.

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