I take break ups so so hard and I can't stop thinking.

Hi

From previous relationships ending and being (I think) in the dying part of a current one. I've been thinking about how I handle break ups compared to others.

Essentially, the start of a relationship is brilliant and it makes you feel fantastic. smiling like an idiot and happy and all that. we all know this. But when it comes to an end I feel SOOOO hurt and it guts me. I thought it would be something time or experience would fix. but I'm 29 and had 5 relationships and each time I get really down.

Stuff like, they really liked me, then they got to know the REAL inner me and now they don't like me... wow!?! :-( goes through my head a lot. Its the feeling of rejection I think that I seem unable to handle anywhere near as well as other people seem to. People say move on or stop thinking about her. but how do you actually do that? I feel there was a life lesson that everyone went to but I missed...

Right now I've been with someone for only like a month. But last Thursday was a brilliant night. She said things like "i crave you" "how were you single" and " are you an actor, because you know all the right things to say and do" (I know, the last one is a bit odd... but anyway).

i saw her Saturday and she was a bit distant and I've not heard from her since...

so I'm a living god on Thursday and ignorable on Mon/Tues/wed/Thurs... I can't make sense of it. I'm trying to find a logical answer for something that makes no sense. Plus, in the big picture, this isn't about her and this one time. its about me and how I react. most guys would be hurt for a day and move on... I simply don't know how to. it takes me ages, months... I don't want to spend months hurting again... anyone got a magic cure out there?!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • There is no magic wand to healing hurts and sometimes time isn't enough for every one. The grieving process is different for all people. At some point though you need to seek help if the feelings become overwhelming or last for a period of more than six months or a year (depending on the loss you are experiencing)... or even if it just seems like excessive grief to you. So long as you are alive, it's never too early or too late to seek professional help (imo).

    If previous loss occurred during a time in your life in which you were going through other stressful life changing events or even other losses, then the impact would have been that much more. Not learning how to cope with previous losses, or not having recovered from previous losses before another one occurs only compounds that loss. Eventually a cycle of ineffective coping occurs. It may be the case that if loss built on top of loss, you missed that life lesson every one else attended. If you were never given a break to learn from those losses and heal, it would only make sense.

    Try not to let your insecurities get the best of you in your current relationship. Remember those self-fulfilling prophecies? You really definitely need to hope for the best and plan for the worst. Don't expect the worse is coming, don't expect the best either. The future comes in one second increments. Take each moment as you have it.

    Put a timer on your grief. I used to mourn things for hours and hours until a whole day was gone when I was a teenager (yay angstiness)! Seriously set an egg timer on the time you will allow yourself to wallow. Remember though "What poison is to food, self-pity is to life" (Oliver C. Wilson). Nothing places more distance between you and other people than your own self-pity. What you feel, others have felt as well. So don't allow your feelings to be self-centered.

    The truth is, despite all of our human losses, we will continue to lose things in our life time... things that really were never ours to begin with. People do not belong to us. As romantic as it is to tell some one they have your heart, it isn't true. Their feelings are theirs and they are subject to change just as much as yours are. It's not about them finding the real you and then turning away from it. It is about how people change and grow (sometimes apart). We all must say goodbye in one way or another. There is no one person we are allowed to keep forever. I am married, and some day I will have to say goodbye to my husband. It is an inevitability - we will age and one of us will die. We will have to say goodbye.

    All relationships are "failed" relationships until you find the one that lasts. Relationships end for many reasons. Reflect on the good times, ways you can improve yourself, and try to seek the message of your experiences. Try to learn something from them you can teach to others. It will help you get out of your own skin and maybe teach you a thing or two in the process.

    Good luck!

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What Girls Said 2

  • First off, don't feel bad about feeling this way. Some relationships damage us, but the important thing is to know that everything happens for a reason. Those past girls weren't the right ones for you. The world is filled with wonderful women. One that will love you for who you are, and all your flaws. Don't be so hard on yourself, "it takes two, to tango". So your relationships end not only because of you.

    The secret is, you must love yourself more. I know that sounds strange but in retro spec, if you can't find that confidence in yourself to see past your own flaws, how are others suppose to see past those flaws? No one is perfect. We all have issues. The difference with some is that they know and accept themselfs for those flaws. "I am, who I am".

    It sounds like you need to do some soul searching.

    My advice to you is to realize that men have that hunter instinct in them. They are suppose to chase the woman. Once that woman chooses you, you will feel such a rewarding feeling that your hard work of chasing has paid off. Men/woman value what they work for.

    Now, when it comes to this great date you had. Your wondering why you haven't heard from her? Well, I can tell you right now, that if she meant what she said about "crave you", she is wondering the same thing as you. "why haven't I heard from him?". She needs you to chase her, this is how we feel wanted, (which will build yourself esteem, because she will want to show you how she appreciates you taking that man role) this is how the honeymoon stages of the beginning of the relationship starts and is the best part of the relationship.

    You said that this is about you. Then start understanding yourself more. Learn from your past and move forward. "everyday is another day to turn everything around". How are you to move forward if you are always looking back?

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  • I've felt exactly the same way, though I wouldn't think it's just you that's making your relationships end. What makes relationships end? Life, that's what. I wouldn't take it so personally (yeah, it's hard for me to even take my own advice on this one). It's hard not to take it personally. What I mean by life is both people make the relationship...it also takes two to end it. Unless you're doing something horribly wrong, I doubt it's all you that's bringing your relationships to it's end. Look back on it and see where the other person messed up. Or perhaps it was just simply that...it wasn't meant to be. For some reason you both didn't match up. But do yourself a favor, take a deep breath and know that some day someone will accept you exactly like you are. After all no one's perfect. :)

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What Guys Said 2

  • I think like that aswell. I wonder why it takes me so long to stop thinking and how it affects me. A girl I was seeing for 18months split up with me in July. It was a pretty nasty break up, we got back from a holiday and the day after she phoned up and dumped me, totally never saw it coming. And that week she was off sleeping with someone else and treated me horribly it was like a different person. Its been 4half months now and it stil really upsets me if I think about it. It wasn't her breaking up with me that upsets me, it was how she treated me and some of the nasty things whe said when I was the one who was dumped. Its really affected me, I don't care what anyone says it isn't normal to be still worrying about it, 4 and a half months later. No one else I know affects them the same way. It really worried me why I'm not over this. I even walked past her flat last night in the town centre where I used to stay and I felt sick thinkning about it. It worries me why I am not over her by now. She isn't worth it, was disgusting to me, tried to hurt me and dumped me over the phone, I should hate her but I never did. Never seen her since the day we got back from a holiday.

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  • Alcohol is always a good cure for a break up.

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