Could these theories be right?

I was/am? best friends with a woman for months, eventually we started dating. Then she asked to go back to friends as a sort of break. 2 months later she tells me it is completely over and she is now in a relationship with someone she just met.

I am heartbroken and know we can't ever go back to how we were.

She thinks we can still be great friends.

But interestingly I have 2 friends (1 also hers) insisting it is almost certain she will come back to me.

Here are their theories why:

* You 2 are just obviously perfect for each other, anyone can see that

* By telling you its over ASAP, she tried her hardest to spare your feelings = she does care about you. The fact she still wants you as a best friend is a sign she really likes you

* The fact she kept telling you she's confused and needs time means that she had doubts/fears about you (perhaps knowing you could be a future husband, you 2 are that perfect) and so she's taking the other road to try clearing out any doubts/fears she has about herself/relationships/other men (get it out of her system). This way she will realise it was you that made her happier than any other guy can. It will take a really long time (dont wait for her), but she will be back

* she's possibily filling in time until you lose the weight you promised to (which I am) and then she will come back as you're now the complete package (even if subconscienously, this seems to be cruel and a sign she's a bitch at heart)

* She doesn't 'love' him. Love takes a long time to develop, not just a few weeks. she's fooling herself into thinking she loves him to be with him. Its a lie. Also, she's already saying how he has flaws she's living with.. after only 2 weeks? These flaws will grow and more found and she will leave him

* she's only 25 (Im 31) and still very unsure of what love is. She has said herself she is only a naive 18yo when it comes to love

So, any of these theories true? My friends insist they aren't just consoling me but I really dont see any of this happening.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Hi Nichtweiss,

    First of all, only the relationship between you and your ex knows if you are perfect for one another. So don't hold on to any feelings if that's all you have.

    However, on the other hand her being confused is not a bad thing. Would you rather be with a woman that has her personal emotions sorted out? Or invest a few years into the relationship to find out the both of you have some emotions to figure out. Which my friend, will be much harder to cope with.

    Give her the space and autonomy to be the person she wants to be and you do the same. You may even find a better person during that time period. Most importantly allow her to find herself. If you are bombarding her questions and phone calls you are only going to push her away. You'look be asking her to give you answers she's not prepared to give.

    I don't believe she's shallow enough to wait until you lose a few pounds. She just may be relating to her finding happiness and you finding yours.

    Keep your head up and continue being that awesome guy she first saw you as. Other people deserve to see it to.

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    • I thought we were almost perfect together. She said the same. But obviously not perfect enough for her.
      I rather have her sort things out while with me of course :p but get that this might be for the best.
      I've been giving her space since the initial break (and she's been unwilling to do too much while figuring out whats going on). We are now slowly re-connecting our friendship but Im aware it must be at a distance now (but she's saying getting close again is fine).
      Its more than just a few pounds unfortunately. she's very fit and it was an issue I wasnt- more to the point, it appeared I didn't care I was overweight- i did and changed diet/ going to gym for her.
      Doing my best to stay positive and funny as I normally am but it will take time to not be miserable about this.

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    • Hey pal, any updates? Hope you're doing well

    • Still miss her but trying to move on. Been more social and tried talking/hanging out with other women. No real interest in any of them but its a start. I think there's one friend kinda interested in me but knows I haven't moved on completely and refuses to be 2nd choice/rebound. Im not interested in a relationship with her- we would be a terrible couple- but if she was just up for some fun..
      Ex was messaging me every few days with pointless messages which I assume was just to stay in touch. I ignored her last pointless message and she hasn't sent any messages since (just over a week now).
      I've been watching a lot of 'expert' advice on youtube which says 1) DONT be friends and cut contact; 2) she will text for a while to test your resolve and reduce the hurt to her (I initially failed 1 and 2); 3) IF she ever wants you, she will message you again in a few months. Arrange a time to get together. If she's not keen then say 'when you are, call me. Bye'. I like the theory, but it won't happen

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • i think so.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I think your friends are trying to let you down slowly, but I don't agree with them.

    1. "You 2 are just obviously perfect for each other, anyone can see that." The woman who is "perfect" for you would never do this to you. You describe yourself as "heartbroken," and I'm sure you are, but that is no the result of meeting "the perfect woman."

    2. "By telling you its over ASAP, she tried her hardest to spare your feelings = she does care about you. The fact she still wants you as a best friend is a sign she really likes you." She told you ASAP because she was moving in with the new Mr. Wonderful. She says that she wants you as a friend because she feels guilty (she should) but no on really believes that you two can remain friends under these circumstances.

    3. "The fact she kept telling you she's confused and needs time means that she had doubts/fears about you." No, she is merely trying to make you feel better about the breakup because she feels guilty.

    4. "She's possibly filling in time until you lose the weight you promised to." Filling in time? No, she's getting boned every night by another guy; she's not sitting around doing cross stitch.

    5. "She doesn't 'love' him. Love takes a long time to develop." She didn't love you, either. She's chasing after lust, not love.

    6. "She's only 25 (I'm 31) and still very unsure of what love is." She's not chasing after love; she just wants a hot poke every night.

    Why would you want to be friends with her and why would you ever think about taking her back. She probably was cheating on you before she broke up with you. Are you THAT desperate for a woman?

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    • I appreciate your view and agree with some of it.
      My friends insist its not treating me fragilely; in fact these 2 are usually the most brutally honest which is why Im so surprised.
      1. Obviously she's not perfect and neither was the relationship but I believed we were pretty close to it which anyone around us agreed with.. they still do.
      2. She told me she does feel guilty and regrets all the pain she's caused. I talked to her about the future of our friendship and said it won't work now. she's convinced we can go back to how we were. I dont see it.
      3. possibly
      4. To my knowledge they meet romantically once a week. But I agree with your disagreement.
      5. She didn't love me, true. We werent together long enough either. I agree its a physical attraction she's gone for but not lust (cant say why here but thats not her)
      6. She was chasing love, she says she's found it. I think its something else too. But not lust.
      She did almost everything above board. We were great friends prior to relationship

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    • I think you should refuse her suggestion of being friends. That just prolongs things for you. She also needs to understand that you want her in your life as a girlfriend, or not at all.

    • Its a bit hard to refuse her outright. For one, I just dont want to. I still think she's amazing. Its why I can't be angry at her either. I know I should be, but I just can't do it. I see her and any building anger just washes away. One look of her smile and.. you get the picture.
      Secondly, we are in the same course at Uni and in nearly all the same classes. These classes are normally only 10-20 people and often involves group work. We need to find a way to be friendly and work together at least.
      she's well aware how I feel; that I want her. She knows how hard I've taken the news. She never wanted to hurt me but knew it was inevitable. I dont think her wanting to stay close is guilt though (maybe a little). She says she's often confused about her feelings (esp. for me) and I wonder if its more about having her cake and eating it too. She gets me psychologically (day) and him physically (night)
      Regardless, Im keeping my distance- as hard as it is to do. Maybe she will feel the hole, maybe not

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