Is it my fault, or was he insecure?

After a relationship, I like to reflect and think about what i can improve.

here's some backstory: my ex was REALLY insecure. he admit it, too. he even admit that he didn't think it'd change. (how stupid of me to not dump him then and there!)

I have a few guy friends who have been close to me for a long time. When I was dating my ex, I didn't go out and hang out with my guy friends or text them like I used to. Yet my ex was still nervous about them, and would give me the cold shoulder if he noticed one of them texted me. (The text would usually say "do you and (my ex) wanna do something". I tried to be reassuring but he wouldn't listen, The later we got in the relationship, the more controlling he got.

We were hanging out once with my guy friends and him at a party but the whole time my ex was acting anti social and saying I didn't give him enough attention, when I was just trying to have fun, and if my ex wanted to be a party pooper then that's on him. And he yelled at me after. And the one time I told him I didn't like how he talked to one of his girl friends, he said I was just bitching at him. Is it my fault for having good guy friends? (I have social anxiety around girls because of past bullying-im trying to work on it, but I don't want it to be a NECESSITY for dating). Help me out?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There is a minority, both male and female, who believe that it is impossible to be "just friends" with the opposite sex and that, if you have an opposite sex friend, the must be wanting a romance with you.

    You are right in now assuming that you could not change this behavior and you should have recognized that sooner. However, everyone must learn his lesson the hard way.

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    • Thank you-I definitely don't believe that, I have had many guy friends who haven't had romantic interest in me and vice versa. just for some reason he didn't see that, and he even accused his own friends of hitting on me when they weren't. I dunno, he just seemed to have no trust in even his friends, let alone his own girl.

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    • thank you so much for your opinion and for sharing your experience! It makes me feel less like I'm some sort of bad girlfriend. Sure I made mistakes but I never thought it'd be so hard to just keep someone's trust whenever I never did anything to lose it in the first place. hopefully there are more confident people out there!

    • There are. I have moved on and found an amazing woman. I had no intentions of falling in love. . . but I did. I recently write a myTake about discovering and recognizing love:

      www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a11413-do-you-know-what-love-is

      When you move on and discover someone else, it will be like the sun breaking through from behind dark clouds!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Well I can understand why he has issues with you having good male friends, everyone nowadays is scared of being cheated on, and being insecure made it worst, but you did make changes for him. I understand why you have male friends over females as females can be catty and hard to get along with (I have always gotten along better with males too). I think when you find a guy that is much more secure you won't have to worry too hard about justifying why you have good guy friends, however, a problem may arise if these male friends seem like best friends. As long as you put your next boyfriend first above the friends and he is secure in knowing where he stands there she be a low chance of problems. Just make sure that your next guy knows he is number one to you and if you can avoid the insecure guys that would save you a headache.

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    • I did try all of that. I do have girl friends too who I am very close with, just good guy friends too. I made almost all changes possible and he still got controlling-I dunno, I felt like I did my part and he didn't do his.

    • Yeah you cannot really do anything about someone that is insecure like that and you should not feel bad or like you did anything wrong, as you did try.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • No, it's not your fault it's very hard to deal with controlling partners, and controlling nature can never be justified but then there are some men who get jealous easily even if you aren't doing anything to make them jealous.

    What are you going to do now? are you going to break up with him? It wouldn't be a wrong decision if you did so.

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    • I already broke up with him. It was too hard and for some reason he made it seem like all of the things I said above were my fault, that he was totally confident yet it's my fault for making him insecure, when the source was himself. I asked this question because I want to learn from past relationships but while dating him it was a constant battle of if what I was doing would make him mad at me or not

  • Well its not your fault more like because of his insecurity, he just needed a bit a trust in you cause you stopped texting your guy friends and going out with them which I think is really good. But sometimes it's really hard to not get jealous cause it doesn't take much for a someone to leave their partner even if that someone made promises trust me I understand him. So I don't think his intentions were to control your

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What Girls Said 3

  • Totally not your fault. He doesn't love himself yet. How can you love anyone else if you font love yourself? You can't. He is so insecure... Not. Your. Fault.

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  • his insecurities were making him control your behaviour, he should never have been in a relationship without addressing them first. He would have just got more and more controlling as time went on.

    well done for leaving!

    and there is nothing at all wrong with having male friends.

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    • Thank you! at first it was kind of cute how he wasn't afraid to show he cared, but the second he said "you can call me clingy but im just protecting you" was the massive red flag. he didn't even trust that I could tell when people were flirting with me! ugh, now that i made this ask, things sure are a lot clearer. I will never let myself get wrapped up in a mess like that again!

    • Its a learning curve sweetie, just put it down to experience & set a level for your next rship on what you will and won't accept. Having these boundries is about self respect and self love... Its so important. A healthy relationship will make you feel liberated, a toxic one will make you feel suffocated x

  • No, it isn't your fault. You're entitled to be friends with whoever you choose!

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