What should I do about my selfish girlfriend?

Me and my girlfriend has been dating for 2 1/2 years, living together for 2. She is the only child and I have two brothers. She has a tendency of invalidating my opinion. Growing up, my family never taught me how to make my own decisions and grew up a timid child. As I got into my relationship, I've made it very clear that all I wanted is her respect and to let me have an opinion. For example, I like to weigh the pros/cons when we have to make a big decision. I'll decide and she's turn around and choose opposite of what I chose. I'll get very upset about it and she wants to have a pity party when I get in her ass about it. Even when choosing going out to eat, she wants me to pick. I'll pick a place and she tells me anywhere else but there, she does this more than once. It's obvious that she is spoiled. Not only does she do this to me, she does this to her mother also. Her mother told me to stand up for myself and don't take her shit. I've done that after she did the same shit about making a decision and I chewed her ass out about it in public. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past few days because I'm tired of getting ran over. She asks me what she should do after I clearly pointed out what was wrong. This is something she needs to fix on her own, she needs a reality check because it could be worse. What should I do? Stay and work it out? Leave?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It all depends on whether or not she's willing to work on things. If you have an open discussion about your issues and she makes no effort to change leave. If she tries and makes an effort be patient. You can't expect someone to become aware and sensitive to your needs over night, but if they try and get better with time it shows they respect you and want the relationship to work.

    She does sound spoiled. This can be tricky because she's probably used to getting her way, and may not see how her actions effect you. Or worse: she may not care. She needs to learn that no one is so entitled to treat others this way, and that having standards and opinions are one thing, but trampling your significant other is something else entirely. You two don't sound balanced in the least. You're a people pleaser and she's one that always expects to be pleased. These relationships never end well. Really talk to her, and if you don't see any effort on her end in a weeks time you may have to cut her loose. There are plenty of women out there who would do anything for a nice guy. Keep telling yourself that.. Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • After reading your question, I'm not sure "she" is the problem.

    As a non-sexual non-M/F example, I'll run you through the story of me and my father. My father "retired" when he was 42. While every other family was helping their children out with higher education, starting a business, buying a home, etc., my father was "fishing," "enjoying life," and "taking it easy, not like all those other idiot workaholics." As he reached age 55, he started having health problems, and reached the point where he would make excuses for the medical care he couldn't afford. I could have helped him financially, and I could have been there for him emotionally. Instead, I gave him tough love. I cut off all contact. He wasn't even invited to my wedding, and I flat-out told him it was because I was "ashamed" of him and of the idea of proudly presenting him to the world as my father. He tried to "guilt-trip," and all those other tools of the trade for people who have a "need" to develop those tools in order to "survive." But they didn't work, not because he wasn't good, but because I was too strong for that crap. He needed a teacher, he didn't need a son at that point in his life. When he realized that his guilt-trips couldn't extract money from me, his "survival strategy" (he realized) was failing to give him the sense of security he had hoped for. So, he "needed" to find a new survival strategy, which involved finding a job and going back to work.

    Harsh? Who cares? The point is, it was effective and made him into a better human being, and now I have a healthy relationship with my father - and I can actually feel proud of my father. That's all I wanted, and I did what I had to do in order to get what I wanted. That's what men do, and they can sleep easy at night no matter how "harsh" or "impolite" the means, because at their core, their motives are not malicious or selfish.

    The ONLY person that's to blame here... is you. You are not a person. You are basically looking to her for direction, and she is looking to you for direction. When she doesn't find direction from you, the "gets angry" and "acts out." She challenges you and intentionally emasculates you, out of anger towards you, and when you let it happen, she gets even more angry at you. Why angry? Because you don't make her feel safe and secure, she to fill that void, she has to get her fix of validation about her social/manipulative power by taking your balls.

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    • As an analogy, think of a man dating a woman who acts like a man. She doesn't shave her legs, she doesn't take care of herself, she basically just waits for him to be in the mood and spontaneously initiate sex just because her vagina exists and he's a man, and miraculously somehow this man isn't feeling satisfied. He feels like he's lacking a "female" partner in this relationship. There are a number of ways he can "communicate" this to her, to try and help her "get the point" so that she can "change her behavior" so that "he can get what he needs as a man" from their relationship.

      One of those ways is to "act out." One way to think about "acting out" is the old, "How does it feel when the same or analogous thing is done to you? Don't like it much yourself now do you?" The man might gain weight, lose interest in sex, start flirting or having sex with other women... all to "communicate" to her how unsatisfied with her he is.

    • Show All
    • "Someone who is crazy needs someone who is twice a crazy." - Serbian proverb.

      What do the Serbians mean by that? When people "act" crazy, it's because they're trying to avoid being held accountable and responsible for their actions and behaviors. Acting "crazy" means that they are taking advantage of the fact that others will generally be honest and subscribe to "social norms" and scripts of "acceptable behavior." So, by "cheating" and departing from those things, the "crazy" person is able to "get away" with things that other people would not normally get away with. For that reason, if you want to pin down someone who is "acting crazy," the best way to do it is to "act twice as crazy."

      Every time you think to yourself, "I can't possibly be that way with her. It would be so rude and disrespectful and inconsiderate," stop and ask yourself whether those same thoughts go through her head, and if they do, why she nevertheless behaves the way that she does.

    • She needs someone who is firm, stern, and strong. She needs a rock of a man that she can try to shake and move, but get nowhere with, unless he wants to independently of her wiles and attempts to manipulate him.

      She needs someone to tell her "no," and someone to ignore her saying, "no." I'm not advocating "rape" here. I'm advocating assertiveness. If her answer is still "no" with respect to something, then you should "ignore her" and either move on entirely from her, or just temporarily for that moment. I'm not saying to "force" her to do anything she doesn't want to. All I'm saying is to not let her be in control. This clearly sounds like a girl that doesn't want to be in control, and wants a man to be a man and drive the car as she rests her feet outside the window on the passenger seat as she enjoys the way the wind feels on her toes.

      The problem, again, however, is not her - it's you. The problem is that you don't sound like a man who is comfortable with being in control.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • There's nothing much to elaborate with this. Leave. I don't think you intended on dating a 7-year-old. Goodness, this makes me want to never let my boyfriend go even more (which I didn't think possible). He is the complete opposite of your girlfriend!

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  • I would leave in a flash, you dont deserve this !! If you really love her I would stand up for yourself and tell her how it is, if she won't treat you with respect you will leave her! You can so way better

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  • Well... Don't tolerate her behavior and tell her to fuck off

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What Guys Said 3

  • Well, it really depends on you. You should trust your instincts on this one, do you think she is willing to work on herself? if you really think so then you can give it a chance to see how things go if you don't have that confidence then you should immediately leave this relationship.

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  • do the same to her.

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  • Leave, but before you do; fill her handbag with dog poop.

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