Ex taking our 5yr daughter to new girlfriend house to spend the night?

My ex got back together with his previous baby momma immediately after we broke up a month ago. I'm fine with it for the most part except for one thing: he wants to take our 5 year old over to his girlfriends house, leave her for the night and entire next day with her older half sister who is 17. He is barely starting to get to know her so leaving our daughter w her without any adult supervision is completely wrong in my opinion. He refuses to even give me a phone number or address in case of emergency bc he says I could call her and start trouble. That's a load... I've been the one encouraging him to reach out to her for over 5 years so why would I mess that up? What should I do? He won't listen to my concerns at all and does what he wants. I'm sick over this. Help!!

Updates:
Just to clarify/ I have talked to my ex about what I feel is inappropriate regarding our daughter and his new relationship. He ignores everything I say and tells me I'm overreacting or something similar.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Your not overrating if i was in your shoes i wouldn't let it happen
    that girl taking care of her is age 17 , sure she's half sister, but
    that teen girl can be texting, on the computer and your daughter
    can get into anything or what happens she gets scared
    I think he is wrong for not wanting you to have contact
    heck anything can go on, just how good can that teen babysit
    i see so many red flags with him and really you need to think
    this one over for sure my mind wouldn't be at ease if i was
    in your shoes ,

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    • @VegasNewFallout What you doing being a register sex offender
      that committing crimes on this website yes you should tell people
      the truth?

Most Helpful Girl

  • He sounds like an asshole trying to be the good guy "oh look I reached out to my 17yr old on my own good whim." Why has it taken him till she's 17? But that's not the point. Anyway you're trying to be a lenient mother. Don't give him your daughter if he won't be there at all times and give you any emergency contacts and tell whoever to contact you just in case tell him to go fuck himself till he grows a pair.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 21

  • he sounds like a real caring sort of guy ( noooooooot!! ) there is no way on earth or from the pit of hell I would let this D BAG take my little girl and trust a kid to be responsible enough to provide her care , shit at her age its all she can do to care for herself

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  • Well look at it this way, if he messes up/something goes wrong over there it will only entitle you to having your daughter more than him. I think you need to just sit back and let things play out.

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  • I'm sorry to say this but too bad. You don't control his life, and should stop trying. There is no possible emergency where your child is at that house and you need to make the call to over there. The call would be made in the opposite direction. Leaving a 5 year old with a 17 year old sibling or with another adult he trusts is perfectly responsible unless you know something specific about those people that would support some real concern.

    From your description your concerns are unfounded and reek of you wanting total control of your child which you can't possibly have without sole custody.

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    • And yes you are absolutely overreacting. With you being this irrational I wouldn't give you her phone number either under any circumstances. You have no valid reason to ever call over there. If you are needed you will receive the call, not the other way around. No, you don't have some kind of right to check up on the child whenever you want, which is disruptive to their lives.

    • A mother has every right to know the person that is watching her daughter. Even if she has met her that doesn't mean she knows the 17 year old. She should always have a number to anywhere her child is. Just because she shares the child with an ex doesn't mean she loses all rights when their child is with the father. And vise versa. For your child you stay respectful and keep the best of terms with your ex. If my husband and I split I would try to make it as civil as possible for my daughter. This is an issue that he shouldn't be such a dick over.

    • @Biss-taylor the mother obviously knows the 17 year old since it is her own child's sibling, and she hasn't said anything to lead anyone to believe the 17 year old is unusually irresponsible compared to other 17 year old babysitters. She has the number for her ex. There is no valid reason to need the number of the 17 year old or the girlfriend. There is simply no emergency where the mom would need to make contact faster than calling the ex and then relaying the message would take. Genuine emergencies would have the calls coming the other direction. The courts will be of this opinion. You apparently have never dealt with them or you would know better.

  • Is there a court involved in your case? If so, custody orders generally require that parents keep each other informed of whereabouts, contact phone numbers, etc.

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    • No. There's no court order. Neither one of us can afford to file or pay for an attorney so we are trying to handle it ourselves. Obviously it's not working. He uses our daughter to get to me bc he can't any other way. If I flat out did something involving our daughter that disapproved of he would FLIP OUT and make my life hell but he does it to me all the time. I know I need to take him to court but can't afford to. I'm stuck

    • Have you tried contacting legal aid or the local bar association? There are attorney's who will occasionally handle cases for no fee.

  • Do you have a legal custody agreement or is this all just informal? If there's no legal agreement then you have control and it's up to you to protect her. If there's a legal custody arrangement then you will have to go to the court to have his visitation modified.

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  • As long as u can reach the father, and the father can contact the woman that is watching your daughter... that should be fine.

    I understand not wanting the girlfriend and the baby mama to talk directly to each other. Just go through him!

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  • Do y'all have a court order stating he HAS to be with him? If you can prove he's not the responsible parent here, maybe record some conversations and save some texts or emails or whatever, you can get an attorney and get someone involved there. Shouldn't be leaving a young child with someone he himself barely knows if the new girlfriend is in fact NEW. Incredibly irresponsible.

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  • I would think 17-year-old baby sitters are plenty capable of watching over a 5-year-old as long as they know basic first aid and all that. I personally think under 15 would be iffy. And the whole emergency contact thing is fine because your ex is the emergency contact, and you have to trust him as an independent legal guardian. Talk with a lawyer if you think there's a serious issue. No use in trying to persuade him since he probably has the final decision on that kind of thing.

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  • I'm 18 and amazing with kids and baby sat since 15, but than again I've been around children my how life i was an uncle before I was born and first changed a diaper at six, it really depends on the person and if you don't know their background I think it's normal to be concerned about that but saying someone who's 17 can't take care of a kid just because they're 17 is incorrect , I think care of a 9month old and did when I was 17 and she was just a week old too, but I'm not the one baby sitting so I think you being worried is completely fair its your job to be , your the mother

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  • Maybe... You shouldn't have had sex/kid/relationship with an immature boy...

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  • This sounds like an incredibly complicated situation between you and your ex. From what I read on your post he doesn't seem too interested in your 5 year old daughter if he's leaving her with the 17 year old half sister for well over a day. In addition to that he really has a duty of care to your child which he's neglecting as well. Shame you're unable to take him to court for sole custody!

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  • you don't have to let hi take her if he's not going to be there spending time with her what's the point of him having her there in the first place?

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  • no you're not overreacting. I completely agree with you. yes I do think that this is something that should be encouraged in the future... but not this early into his 'new' relationship and certainly not without any contact details.

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  • you need to cut him out.

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  • If you know where your daughter is go and get her.

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    • They obviously have joint custody. Doing things like that when girl is in his custody could eventually result in him getting sole custody unless mom can describe a specific immediate threat beyond the babysitter is of typical babysitter age and she wants her ex boyfriend to give her his new girlfriend's phone number.

    • She didn't say any of that in her post.

  • What can you do about it

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  • sounds dodgy, i wouldn't

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  • Let me ask you this, how often do you read books on communication?

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    • I'm bot sure I follow you... are you implying that i haven't communicated with him regarding this subject? I have. I also thought I made that clear in my question but maybe not. Help I need. Jusgemebtal comments I don't

    • I know you said that but how you talked to him about it obviously didn't work. Good communication practices dictate that you must give people the benefit of the doubt. You said you think your boyfriend is ignoring you. That is not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think you haven't communicated properly.

      Maybe this is because of a fight you may have had before or because he has some bitterness toward you? What do you think it might be? Have you had any previous fights?

  • No that little daring of yours going... Flip the tables and he would not like

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  • Your time with the kid is yours to do as you please. His time with her is his to do as he pleases. Stop being ridiculous.

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  • He's leaving his 5yr old daughter with her 17 yr old sister... I don't know either girl but unless the 5 yr old's got a list of medical conditions or the 17 yr old has a list of arrests I think your daughter will be fine. At 5 I'm certain she's pretty capable with things like using the restroom and telling people when she's hungry. At 17 I'm certain she knows the importance of paying attention to a child's safety and when to call the police. Had either girl been younger I might be worried but unless either girl is really incompetent 17 sounds fine for watching a 5 yr old for a day. On the note of him giving you contact information. I agree that you having the address and phone number is very important however at the same time although you say you'd never bother her I don't believe that as much as he probably doesn't either. You stating that he started dating her a week after you broke up tells me you find some type of issue with that time period otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. You could say all day that you don't care and that it's fine but that doesn't mean you are. So I understand your worries about your child but it's hard to separate them from your possible worries about his relationship. It's one day with her sister although plenty could go wrong chances are nothing will and even if they did she can call her dad and WILL call her dad before calling you. So at this point if something is happening to her and her dad at the exact same time either they're having a coincidentally but unrelated super rare bad day or something tragic is happening that you probably wouldn't be able to help with any way. In this case ask him to give his daughter your information. If she needs it she'll use it. I guess what I'm saying is your concerns are right. Having information just in case is a good thing for a mother but in these specific circumstances maybe you should trust them and let it go for a little while. Chances are nothing bad will happen. Maybe just try to relax for these two days simply as a kind act towards your ex and more importantly your daughter's sister. If you stay seperated he will (and you will too) take and sometimes leave your daughter plenty of places without telling the other. There will come many days were you will not know exactly what your child is doing or where she is. You have to learn to trust your child's father and if you can't do that you should sue and easily win full child custody.

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What Girls Said 18

  • This guy is being a jerk. It's perfectly understandable why you don't want your daughter there. You don't know her and he probably barely knows her and she will be spending the night there.

    I think most parents would completely understand. I wouldn't want my kid (if I was a mom) to spend the night at someone's home who I barely knew. Especially when she is so young. And also, he's refusing to give you a number in case of emergency. That's not right. I understand he's worried you are going to start something. But if your daughter is there, you should at least know and have a way to contact her.

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  • Usually the Court has something to say about rights under custody or partial custody. You write as if he has full custody = you have no power over this, only an opinion to share with Sheriff/Judge... which is that he has arranged a booty night, complete with free babysitter under a boyfriend guise. If they listen to you, then you'll get phone numbers, addresses, et al. or hold HIM in contempt of court.

    The real trouble comes when he wants to vacation her out of the USA... some don't come back.

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  • I think a five year old is probably okay under the supervision of a 17 year old, provided she is responsible. I would insist that he give her his cell phone, or a disposable phone, to use while she is there. That way she could call you anytime she wants. If he is a decent human being, he wouldn't leave his baby girl in a situation he thought wasn't totally safe. You should probably take a deep breath, and trust his judgement. (Unless he is a complete scumbag, in which case you should follow what your gut tells you).

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  • No, no, no! I have no children, so I don't think that my option holds much weight. But you are leaving a five year old ( overnights) with a 17 year old. An underage girl is going to be your daughter guardian for the night, while you ex goes off and has a nookie? What if this 17 year old decides this is a great time to have a party? Bad, bad idea! I would be not sending my daughter over. He can see her another time.

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  • You're not overreacting. She is your daughter, and you have a right to know that she's safe, and to be able to contact whoever is caring for her.

    Your ex sounds incredibly irresponsible, selfish, and manipulative. Is there any way you can legally prevent him doing this? I don't know what the laws are there, but here, you could claim he is irresponsible and sue for full custody of the child.

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  • I would say if he's not listening to your concerns as a mother (which are completely reasonable) then I'd say, you have to get the courts involved. If he's not going to listen to you on the merits of you being the mother of that child, you need to get the law involved some how, whether it's a custody battle or court mandated things such as, him always giving you numbers of the people he's leaving the child with. I'd also talk to the courts about custody. I don't know the current custody situation you have, but it seems that he is irresponsible to some extent (I'm only speaking from my experience, since when my parents divorced, my father never left me with anyone, especially people I didn't know)

    So, that may also be a factor. Just flat out tell him, "If you're not going to give me the contact information of the people who are with my child, then I will have the courts force you to." Sometimes you have to force people's arms in order to get anything.

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  • That's completely irresponsible of him. Does he have mandated visitation?

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  • Don't you want your daughter to bound with her older half sister?

    I don't understand what the issue exactly is?

    A 17 year old can take good care of a 5 year old. I was babysitting actual babies at the age of 12.

    You're making a big deal out of nothing. So I totally agree with your ex about you overreacting.

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  • If he's not going to listen to what you say and give you the information u need don't let your daughter go.

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  • That's not appropriate. He needs to take your daughter's feelings into consideration. She barely knows these people. She's going to be scared and nervous and uncomfortable.

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  • What?
    That sounds weird.

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  • I wouldn't trust a situation where you can't contact your daughter. There's no reason for that. He needs to set aside his emotions and be responsible.

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    • Also his new girlfriend needs to get over herself, your daughter should be the priority here, jeez.

  • Well the child is also urs remember and n matter how well their relationship is going the saftey of you child comes first. If you dont trust the woman then dont let her go, regardless. If he can't respect your worries for her saftey then thats on him.

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  • As far as having the daughter around the ex's girlfriend, that's unavoidable unfortunately. However I think it is your right as a parent to have an address and phone number in case of an emergency. As a mother you also need to know where your daughter is and who will be watching her. And your daughter should never be left with no one watching her. If he is a decent father he will make sure she is safe. If he doesn't then you need to take him back to court for custody. He should never ignore how u feel about the child. And if he does then he doesn't need to be around the child. My advice to you is look up information on "what are your rights as the other parent" and what you can, and cannot do. There are usually lawyers who will give free half hour legal advice. But if you don't wanna take him back to court and this behavior keeps happening then I don't know what to tell u really, but for u to find out and know what u can and cannot do when he has the child. Good luck.

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  • No, no, no! Just wrong! Back to court...

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  • Honestly I wouldn't let my child go period my ex doesn't see his daughter because he wouldn't go buy my terms and he dropped her off two hours later and he told me he would bring her back when he wanted to and that he didn't even have to. do that anyway long story that's the last time he saw her because I was uncomfortable with it so if u feel uncomfortable and until u have a court order unless u was married to this man u don't have to let your daughter go

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  • If I can't have an address for the place my child is staying then he/she is not going! I don't need him one knowing the address, I have a right to know where my child is. by the way, even if I knew the address I wouldn't send her anyway. You carried her inside of you and gave birth to her. Decline the offer if your gut and mother's intuition is telling you too! When he comes by don't answer the door or move. I'm sorry but he sounds a bit off to me. All of my nieces (except one, she's almost two) are around 5 and I encourage them to always tell me, their parents or anyone if someone made them upset or did anything to them they didn't like and to stop be afraid to tell! If you haven't already please instil that in your daughter to ALWAYS speak up. You would be amazed to know how many sick teens and adults there are out there. I may be overprotective but it's always for the best interest of a child.

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  • she shouldn't be going through this... you dont want that girl hopping from guy to guy because she saw her father do that...
    and i wouldn't trust my kid with a 17 year old and stranger woman

    you are her mother and you have a say in this

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