My boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence but I'm still feeling sorry for him?

My boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence and strangulation. I clearly know the relationship has to be over but the transition to life without him is taking a toll, especially because we lived together. Everything reminds me of him and breaks my heart. Our really bad fights always started with him accusing me of cheating. After he got arrested I found out the reason behind it, his phone was filled with people he tried/ did cheat on me with. The thing that makes everything really sticky is that he is suicidal, there were three main incidents where he told me he was going to kill himself and cut his arm all up leaving begging him to stop. But every time he stopped I couldn't help but feel controlled and manipulated, and it proved that there couldn't be a stable future for us. I even got pregnant but he stressed me out so bad (having to talk him down and take the knives from his hand, him having to go to the psych hospital, etc...) that I believe he caused me to misscarraige. Anyways he is arrested now but I'm still heart broken and feel like i need to help, and it kills me to have to go to court and look at somebody I loved/love so much and tell the judge what happend because I know he will be locked up for a while. I'm just dreading the day I get the phone call that he killed himself because it will change my life. I just feel like I'm the only one who can help him and truly cares, even though it hasn't helped so far. I don't know how I got into this mess...


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think this is a normal reaction to your situation. Reach out to others who have experienced these things, you aren't alone in this.

    Remember--you were being abused and manipulated... his claws are still in you. Bit by bit, you'll release his hold.


Most Helpful Girl

  • He likely won't kill himself (it's a method of manipulation) but if he does, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He chose the course of action to abuse you, and subsequently is now required to suffer the repercussions of his actions. If he didn't want a negative outcome, he shouldn't have acted negatively towards you. That isn't love, that isn't compassion, that's control and manipulation. You can't help him, you feel like you can, but you can't. He doesn't want you to help him, he wants you so he can have control over you, and nothing else. You have to stop putting the responsibility of HIS ACTIONS on YOUR shoulders. I understand that this is easier said than done, so I suggest you reach out to some organizations that assist women who have been domestically abused. They'll offer various forms of free help that will get you back to a confident level where you won't be willing to tolerate abuse again in the future.

    Good luck with your court proceeding and your future. Don't go back to this shit head.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Well, I can understand this and it's okay to have that feelings even though he is arrested now but still you both were in a relationship and memories are connected to that so it's okay to feel that way at least for a while you will feel that way. In time you will be okay.


What Girls Said 1

  • In most, not all but most cases with males if he was going to kill himself he would have done it. He is using the threats as a tool to manipulate you. Has he ever made attempts when you aren't around or are they during an argument?

    Either way yo cannot be there for him, involve his parents, friends, siblings the court whatever. You aren't helping him by enabling him and he strangled you? Also he was cheating then taking the guilt out on you and beating you, he strangled you. He is a threat to YOUR LIFE. Spend some time at a parents or friends house don't be alone. You need support.

    But you also need to follow through with the charges because of he kills someone else later down the line you will hate yourself knowing you had the power to stop it. Best of luck.

    • Thank you, yeah I just spend everyday sitting at home and I basically cut all my friends off so I don't have anyone I really would like talk to, so I've resulted to this because I'm under a constant wave of emotion and not thinking straight. Thanks for your input, it helps.

    • Show All
    • Yes I can. But my mom's so fed up with him, which she should be. But I feel like she just isn't sensitive enough and ends up pissing me off by rushing everything. I've just never been through something like this and my heart literlly hurts. I think i should find a good therapist.

    • Just go home to your Mom's for a while. Don't mention him to her and if she brings it up take a breath and change the subject. This is what we have to learn to do as adults. If some man nearly killed my child I wouldn't be able to be in the same room without breaking into to tears of anger from having to restrain myself. Especially someone she loved and trusted who was causing her the emotional pain you are going through. Just be patient with your Mom and know that shelves you and will help you through this.