(Long) Girlfriend broke up with me and I want to try getting back together. Don't know the right approach?

She broke up with me in Sunday sighting reasons such as 'this relationship is not what I want', 'believe me it's not you it's me', 'I need more', 'i rushed into this' and 'I need to work on myself'.

Two-three weeks ago she almost broke up with me because she felt I wasn't getting closer to her - rather further apart. I told her I'd change and the first date after went well. Then it was a week before our next date - coffee after work. She told me she wanted to see me the next day. On the train ride home she held my arm and rested her head on my shoulder. At my stop she gave me 3 big kisses and a huge smile. She texted me after saying how handsome I looked and how great I smelled. The next day however I had to cancel our date literally last minute for a non emergency family reason. That's when she got cold. I tried asking her out a different night but she made excuses and finally ended it Sunday

To me, I truly don't think there is a lack of attraction between us. My time spent with her never ever suggested that. I apologized for everything I did wrong Sunday and she forgave but didn't want me back. I've had some time to think and it is clear as day to me what I've failed to do since our trip to the mountains together a month ago. She lost her grandma a few weeks ago, has had a lot of financial problems, roommate problems, bad job etc. I haven't been the boyfriend i was when this started. Admittedly because of fear. I care about her deeply though and think I realize how much I took her for granted and want to try this one more time. I'm fully committed to change and I know my faults. I'm ready for a legit commitment to her - no more fear.

My question I guess is how should I do this? I want so badly to message her this weekend but everything I see and read days wait at least a month. Which makes sense sort of but that length of time worries me. I want to respect her decision, give space and let her figure stuff out but I also want to fig

Updates:
.. I also want to fight for it.
I'm glad I took almost a month. I've decided to move on. I realize now she used me to fill a void. When it was filled and she was ready to move on she just discarded me. This isn't the type of person I want to associate with let alone go out with.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don’t know how long you have been dating but your relationship sounds pretty serious. As you said, she was been through a lot lately, and unfortunately, you weren’t there for her enough. She needed your help, your support, your presence, somebody she could rely on, and yet, due to your fear of commitment, you didn’t give her your all. What good is a relationship when your significant other is not there to share your pain and give you a shoulder to cry on? It’s good that you realized your mistakes and admit that you were wrong, but let me get this clear…’you care about her deeply’. You care about her, but do you love her? If you love this woman and want to have a future with her I suggest you go and tell her all that you have told us: the fact that you saw, a little bit late, what went wrong, your fear of commitment and your true feeling for her. Have a face to face, yet private talk with her and make her understand your feelings, tell her how serious you are about this relationship, and what you are willing to do to make this relationship work. A bouquet of flowers wouldn’t hurt either. But before that, think really well about what you want.

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    • Thanks for the feedback

      I don't know if I love her, I don't know what that feels like honestly. We've been dating since the end of May this year. Everything was going amazing until an incident at the end of our trip in the mountains. I became more distant for whatever reason and it just got worse until the breakup on Sunday.

      I told her everything through text - what i did wrong, what I want, my willingness to help her etc (text is how she broke up with me) and she said she forgave me and gave me all those excuses in my original post.

      I will take some time to think for sure. I want to reach out for the right reason - not because I'm emotional right now. I'm just worried the '30 day no contact rule' is too much

    • Take your time to think, about your feelings and her feelings (both are very important), about your relationship and about your possible future together. I can’t really explain what love feels like, partially because I never felt it myself, but mostly because I think each person has his/her own way of feeling love. When you come up will all the answers you need and you are absolutely sure of your final decision confront her. That is if you still want to be with her. And do not let your judgment be clouded by the fear of loneliness. You are welcome.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I don't think what you did warranted breaking up with you. It sounds like you had some family stuff to take care of and couldn't make the date (understandable, things happen). Even cancelling a date last minute isn't a reason to break up with someone (unless it's a constant thing).

    However, I would be interested to know what your history with her is like. It sounds like there must be something else that has her doubting the relationship.

    However, if you just get busy sometimes and she is overreacting to it, then maybe you need to reconsider why you want her in your life.

    Sometimes people just aren't worth the trouble if they make you jump through many hoops.

    It sounds like you have put her on a pedestal. This might be your problem. Really take some time away to think about why you want her in your life. Is this a person you really want to be with. Does she make you happy? Is the relationship giving you any happiness? This is important to think about.

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    • Thank you for the input

      We meet on an online dating site in May. Dated for a solid month but declared it official at the end of June. She was in a bad 2 year relationship before this and before that never had one. She kept saying how I'm not like the other guys, she's having fun whatever we decide to do. She genuinely liked me. We went to the mountains together at the beginning of August for 5 days and there was an incident at the end that offended her.

      When we were back I became more distant for whatever reason. She called me out on it saying she's feeling we are moving apart, not getting closer. I wasn't there for her when she lost her grandma. She said she did not want this to be a 'hang out only one or twice a week' thing and threatened a breakup. I said id change because I want the same thing.

      We went out again; had a good time. Another week in between days followed though - this time it was coffee. We then agreed to meet...

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    • You don't have to wait a month. Maybe give it a week or so. Figure out how you really feel and then go back to her and message her telling her what you feel and that you want things to work out. She can't really be mad at you when she also cancelled. And honestly if you were hurt and upset about her cancelling, that's totally valid too. She can't expect it to only be okay when she cancels. Relationships are give and take, both people need to be held accountable for their actions and if something in is bothering them then they need to speak up. It's understandable that she would be upset after her grandma died. Did you talk to her at all afterwards? Did you reach out in any way? If not, you need to apologize. However, not everyone handles grief the same way and I can understand if you weren't comfortable. But you need to let her know what was going through your head when you were not there for her. That way she has a chance to understand.

    • I did apologize for not being there when she was going through a tough time over her grandma. I acknowledged it and told her what i was thinking and she accepted my apology. But I think it's something she never really did forget and doesn't actually forgive me. That was just one of many things I think I failed to do the last month and it just added up

      Maybe she actually doesn't want to be with me anymore like she kind of said. But I just have a hard time believing that with how we were when with each other - even at the end on the last dates - it still felt genuine

      I'll have to think about contacting her this week. I want to make sure she has time alone and I respect that. I also need to take a week or two to think

  • She wants you to make a fuss of her and spend more time together and then you have sacked her off last minute making her feel unimportant... I think you need to tell her you really like her and will make more effort

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    • Thanks for the response. I've apologized and told her how much i care on Sunday but she still just refused. I know her, when she's been wronged she shuts the other out completely. I know I want to talk to her again after some time passes and am worried 1 month is too long

    • i think you need to let her be. Send her some flowers maybe?

  • Oh the drama. Relationships shouldn't be so much work.
    She sounds like she is in need of extra attention. Trust me you could find someone without having all the drama if she is like this now just imagine how exhausting emotionally your relationship will be! She also sounds like she might be trying to make it work but doesn't feel like it is right anymore

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    • Thank you for the response. To be fair I haven't put in much effort recently. I have thought a lot about what happened this entire week - putting myself in her position and seeing it from her perspective. I didn't put effort due to fear of commitment and progressing. Now I feel like I'm ready to be the guy she felt like she was getting when it started in May. I want this to work, I want to get her back or at least try, I'm just worried about timing and how long I should wait before reaching out. I know no contact phase is really important but 1 month seems too long

    • Okay then if you really want to try. Wait about a week and then you can send her a text for example. " I know I didn't give you what you deserved but I want you to know I'm hoping to show you how much you do mean to me." I'm here if you ever want to talk" Or something along those lines that opens the communication on your end. After that though it's in her court if she doesn't reply then you know how she feels either way don't contact her again until she contacts you

    • Thank yout for your input!

What Guys Said 1

  • I think you should wait it out for the next month. Sounds like you've got some issues that need ironing out. You're acting weak. Saying sorry for something that you felt was important at the time. Stand up for yourself. What if she done the same thing? Truthfully how would have you reacted if she dealt with a family problem? Would you have dumped her? Would you have been supportive? She is testing your strength as a man. Best negotiating position is turning around, walking away and mean it. If she contacts you again just make a date. If she says no tell her to call you when she changes her mind. Then hang up.

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    • Thank you for your input. The thing is I think my family commitment was just the straw that broke the camels back. There were times before this I canceled and I wasn't really asking her out much. When he grandmother died, there was a day when she asked me out for coffee. I agreed but then she canceled. This upset me and later that day she asked me to go to a movie to help take her mind off things. I made up a weak excuse not to go because I was upset she canceled coffee and this hurt her. She just last someone very close to her and I was not there at all. No anything from me. I think you're right though, I need to wait it out

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