Is he cruel or just clueless?

So after several months of dating, my guy started having reservations about us and wasn't sure if he wanted to continue seeing me. Well, I figure since he was unsure about us so soon, that the best thing was to end it (to avoid getting hurt later). He asked if we would ever see one another again and I asked what was the point and that it wasn't realistic. Since then, he has been emailing me. How does he expect me to turn off my feelings and not be hurt and be all the sudden platonic friends?! It hurts so bad and I just don't understand how he doesn't think his actions are hurting me. Does he feel bad/guilty for breaking things off? I've never had this happen before. Usually when relationships end, I don't hear from them - it's a clean break. Why does he want to hang on when there's no future? Some people think it's because he's looking for friendship + benefits. If that is the case, that angers me. He knows I loved him and knows what I'm looking for - what makes him think that I would settle for less?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I can completely empathize with you. It's rough. The whole mess leaves you absolutely puzzled and it's kinda' disturbing in a way. Quite clearly he feels inadequate about himself which thus comes out in the "I don't think we are compatible" crap. ( Bust out the DSM4 and look up anxiety disorders.)

    Reason why he hangs on is because he does have some feelings for you although they may be mixed. He feels like he cannot give you what you want in life. More than likely he also may feel that if he does give you something, say an emotion or two, that it won't be good enough. He's clearly been traumatized by a past relationship and carries it out into the relationship you share with him.

    I wouldn't say he's cruel or clueless... he thinks too much and worries about the bad things that could happen. But that's a part of growing and learning with someone. You get to know them... their faults, their merits and things that p*ss 'em off :-D However, he kind of wants to live in a fantasy world where there is this "perfect" relationship. Do ballerinas with fins exist? Nope.

    What this comes down to, and I have to agree with KK, is that you need to cut ties with him and move aggressively forward to save yourself from potential psychological damage. He has his and let him work it out himself. You don't need him to drag you down thinking about this very sort of thing. That's why we are here =)

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What Guys Said 1

  • First off, there is a lot of missing information here. Why did he start having relationship reservations? How do you just break up with a guy because he was unsure? There is a lot more to this story. How would you feel if you were unsure of something, so the guy just dumps you? How would you feel if you felt there just might be something there, but when you try to talk to the guy, he just complains about you hurting his feelings? Wouldn’t you think there is something he’s not telling you? Not trying to be mean, but I think you should grow up and realize that they’re more people in a relationship than one. He is probably just looking for closure and is most likely not even thinking about what you’ll settle for at all. Do him a favor and just don’t answer his e-mails, but if you feel like you really have to and drag this out, just tell him you left him for another man. Being left for another man is easier to swallow than being left for having reservations.

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    • The last month we were seeing one another, he was acting hot & cold. So I finally confronted him about it and he said that he had been thinking about our relationship & thought that we were not compatible enough to go long term. So, I ended it, because, what's the point of continuing if he has doubts this soon? He wants to remain friends, but it's too hard. I fell in love with him and he knows that.

What Girls Said 1

  • When a guy goes out for FWB, he always thinks HIS arrangement is far better, more humane, and more romantic than the regular FWB relationships you see out there. But the truth is, when there is no romance, only sex, it is a sexual relationship. Period.

    Don't return his emails/ calls/ texts/ what not. If he can't PROMISE to see you seriously, than drop him. Maybe in your previous cases, the guys had sense enough to have clean breaks. Apparently, he doesn't. SO you'll going to have to do it.

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    • 'we were not FWB situation. We were dating and both agreed to see one another exclusively and both discussed wanting something long term until he told me that he didn't think we were compatible enough to make it long term. So you honestly believe the reason he wants to stay "friends" is because he's looking for that (FWB)? That's just insulting.

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