Broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and bad for him. How can/should I help him?

My boyfriend and I broke up, we both still really like each other, he initaiated it first because he knew that I wasn't happy with how things were going. Later her called me to say that he regretted it and asked me for another chance, but I decided not to as I felt that all the problems would repeat itself and I would get hurt.

After no contact for nealy a month, we ended up talking as I wanted to see how he was. He feeling pretty down and looks like he's in a dark place. He said that he had no motivation to do anything. I asked him to get a job, and to find something he enjoys doing, or go back to his plans of being an apprentice, and do what he wants. But he said that he wants me.

I am worried about him, as I feel that if he doesn't start doing something soon, his future would be difficult and not very bright. He is 4 years older than I am, he's turning 24 this month and for that reason, my parents tried to convince me to find someone else, as he 'doesn't have ambition and is lazy or only does what he wants', and that he doesn't suit me. Our life style is really different I am still a student and working, we live pretty far from each other, and he hasn't had a job for a while. A lot of places won't hire him as he 'doesn't have experience or isn't qualified'.

I feel bad for hurting him, I still care about him. I didn't mean to lead him on, I really did like him at the time, but after seeing some things and getting advice, I thought that maybe I shouldn't be with him. Sometimes communication was also hard, and we had a lot of fights. My mum told me that fights are normal, but each time it just hurt a lot. A number of times we nearly broke up, but I tried to hold onto it. He did too. We didn't want it to end, but deep down, we probably both knew that it wouldn't work.

There are a lot of times when I want to message him and hear his voice, but it would probably make things worse and hurt us both. What should I do? I want him to be happy and to have a good future.

Updates:
We had been together for almost 1.5 years, but from this year, things haven't been going well for us. He's kinda superstitious and as his fortune for this year's pretty bad, he's trying to accept it, saying that he doesn't want to believe it, but this isn't his year...
I think we're both hurt quite a lot, but I think he's in a worse condition and he really thought that I was the one for him, and still does. But he's doing this and holding back for my sake.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You cannot make someone else happy. It sounds as if he was unhappy before he became involved with you. This means that you have no responsibility for his unhappiness and you also have no capacity to fix him.

    Experience will teach you that you leave relationships because of your partners problems (and some will leave you because of your problems) and you must simply leave your partner in their state of "disrepair" and trust that they will take care of themselves. If they don't, that is your choice. If you choose to return to help them,

    1. you won't be able to change them,

    2. you will get sucked back into the same relationship that didn't work the first time around, and

    3. you will begin to stagnate. You can't pull them up. . . but they can pull you down.

    This is a sad realization to make but it reflects a true understanding of human nature, Your ex may choose to never do anything to make himself a better person. That's sad, but you can't change it; all you can do is move on and take care of yourself.

    Good luck!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You mention in the first paragraph that the pattern would repeat itself, and then you contact him to see how he's doing? Did you contact him to get confirmation from him that he still wanted you?

    I agree with the other posters that you just need to leave him to get on with life and to figure out where he is going. He can't put all his eggs in one basket (your relationship) because he no motivation to change. He had no motivation to find a job when you were together and he is still in the same boat. It appears some sort of pattern is already in place.

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    • The pattern of his actions hurting me, and the pattern of me feeling disappointed and upset. I contacted him as I wanted to see if he was feeling better, or if he found a job and if anything had changed. Part of the reasons why we had arguments were due to him hanging out with other girls, saying that he 'needed to look after them', when we hadn't seen each other in a long time and he sees then more than he sees me. I felt like he had broken his promise and word to me, and would give excuses like he can't just leave them or that he had promised them, to confirm that he was doing the right thing. He expected me to understand his reasons, as he wants to be a good person. I didn't like how he was acting like a guardian to them, when it wasn't really necessary.

      I think that he is a nice and kind person, but then sometimes he had an attitude like he expected people to be kind back to him or to repay him, and he got jealous easily of my friend, and they both don't really like each other..

    • Show All
    • It's not that I don't trust him, but I felt like he was making the situation worse for himself. He told me that he can't hang out with me much. I told him that I was fine with not hanging out with me as often, I was okay with just skyping as long as it meant that he was saving up for himself, and if it helped him. But then he would talk about how he drove others around, used to buy meals for them, buy $100 gifts for them... I felt like he would buy on impulse and expect me to compliment him. He would tell me, how he wanted to do things with me like travel yet he won't save. Even before all these things happened, I started to get concerned. When he did have a job, I asked if he saved, and having another bank account would help. He said that it won't work, and he lives in the moment. It's not that I'm trying to be money-minded, but nowadays, we need to have at least emergency money or cash saved up just incase something happens. And I believe it's better to save up earlier.

    • When I started talking about money and getting a job and trying to save, he said that it sounds like I'm a gold digger. I think he was feeling frustrated, by me since I have a comfortable life and don't have to worry about the same things he needs to, but I do worry about the future too, and I do have a job and trying to save up too. It wasn't like I was just going to rely all on a guy, I do want to be independent and be able to do my own things. But I felt like I couldn't rely on him in the way that I should be able to.
      I was happy at first, we had common interests and were able to talk about our hobbies. I felt like he really cared about me, like he made sure I got home okay by taking me home. But later I wasn't sure if he actually cared about my feelings, or if he was only doing things cause it was right. I guess you're right that I wanted to see if he had changed. If he would be motivated to try do things differently, to think about himself more rather than doing 'the right thing'

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • This is a crappy situation and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it.

    But, you are going to have to let him go. You being there, showing him support is only going to give him a glimmer of hope that will likely keep his head buried beneath the surface of life. You being there will rekindle that glimmer, then it will be re-extinguished when you reiterate that you do not want to be with him.

    You cannot allow his situation to affect your life. You didn't do this to him - he's currently doing it to himself. At some point, a man has to be a man, suck it up, accept the facts of life, and get past it.

    But it sounds to me as if he won't be able to handle you "being there." Now, after he comes out of his dark hole, you might be able to be his friend, but not really until then. He has to accept that you're gone. He won't do that if you're still available to him emotionally. He will cling to you. He will try to bring your emotions into his life to make him feel better, but this will only drag you down with him.

    Once he accepts this situation, he will begin to find the 'man' in himself and come out of it and he will be better for it.

    Sometimes you have to just cut ties with people, because your compassion is going to either lengthen this process for him or it's going to cause you sadness throughout the day when you have school and work to focus on.

    I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but from what you've written, this is going to be your best course of action. Cut ties, leave it be, and only when he's completely over the relationship can you be his friend again.

    I know that will be hard for you, but it has to be that way. Anything else will just prolong the agony for both of you.

    I hope this helps.

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  • Actually you should give him a chance if he is still single. And not over the phone face to face is better.

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  • You can best help him by keeping out of his way, allowing him to move on with his life.

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    • Okay, thanks for your advice

What Girls Said 1

  • Don't contact him any further... he has to move on in life... he has to learn it the hard way.

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    • Thank you for your opinion.

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