After no contact for nealy a month, we ended up talking as I wanted to see how he was. He feeling pretty down and looks like he's in a dark place. He said that he had no motivation to do anything. I asked him to get a job, and to find something he enjoys doing, or go back to his plans of being an apprentice, and do what he wants. But he said that he wants me.
I am worried about him, as I feel that if he doesn't start doing something soon, his future would be difficult and not very bright. He is 4 years older than I am, he's turning 24 this month and for that reason, my parents tried to convince me to find someone else, as he 'doesn't have ambition and is lazy or only does what he wants', and that he doesn't suit me. Our life style is really different I am still a student and working, we live pretty far from each other, and he hasn't had a job for a while. A lot of places won't hire him as he 'doesn't have experience or isn't qualified'.
I feel bad for hurting him, I still care about him. I didn't mean to lead him on, I really did like him at the time, but after seeing some things and getting advice, I thought that maybe I shouldn't be with him. Sometimes communication was also hard, and we had a lot of fights. My mum told me that fights are normal, but each time it just hurt a lot. A number of times we nearly broke up, but I tried to hold onto it. He did too. We didn't want it to end, but deep down, we probably both knew that it wouldn't work.
There are a lot of times when I want to message him and hear his voice, but it would probably make things worse and hurt us both. What should I do? I want him to be happy and to have a good future.
I think we're both hurt quite a lot, but I think he's in a worse condition and he really thought that I was the one for him, and still does. But he's doing this and holding back for my sake.
Most Helpful Guy
This is a crappy situation and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it.
But, you are going to have to let him go. You being there, showing him support is only going to give him a glimmer of hope that will likely keep his head buried beneath the surface of life. You being there will rekindle that glimmer, then it will be re-extinguished when you reiterate that you do not want to be with him.
You cannot allow his situation to affect your life. You didn't do this to him - he's currently doing it to himself. At some point, a man has to be a man, suck it up, accept the facts of life, and get past it.
But it sounds to me as if he won't be able to handle you "being there." Now, after he comes out of his dark hole, you might be able to be his friend, but not really until then. He has to accept that you're gone. He won't do that if you're still available to him emotionally. He will cling to you. He will try to bring your emotions into his life to make him feel better, but this will only drag you down with him.
Once he accepts this situation, he will begin to find the 'man' in himself and come out of it and he will be better for it.
Sometimes you have to just cut ties with people, because your compassion is going to either lengthen this process for him or it's going to cause you sadness throughout the day when you have school and work to focus on.
I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but from what you've written, this is going to be your best course of action. Cut ties, leave it be, and only when he's completely over the relationship can you be his friend again.
I know that will be hard for you, but it has to be that way. Anything else will just prolong the agony for both of you.
I hope this helps.
Most Helpful Girl
You mention in the first paragraph that the pattern would repeat itself, and then you contact him to see how he's doing? Did you contact him to get confirmation from him that he still wanted you?
I agree with the other posters that you just need to leave him to get on with life and to figure out where he is going. He can't put all his eggs in one basket (your relationship) because he no motivation to change. He had no motivation to find a job when you were together and he is still in the same boat. It appears some sort of pattern is already in place.
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