I had a very upsetting conversation with my ex today. I confessed that I still had feelings, and he (somewhat harshly) told me he no longer did and never would again.
How the hell do people just... no longer be in love with someone? He used to be so in love with me. I don't get how people just turn this on and off when it's so hard for me.
Most Helpful Guy
I don't think anyone consciously reaches inside of their psyche and flips a switch on their love. When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I loved her very much and I told her so. She changed her mind about whether she wanted to be married 9 times over a 7 month span. Over those 7 months, I loved her, I hated her, I wanted her, I didn't want her, I made love with her, I didn't want to touch her, I prayed for her to die a catastrophic death, I felt guilty about wanting her to die, I wanted to protect her, I wanted to be strong for her, I wanted her to come to her senses, and I thought about all of the good times we had shared. After 7 months, my feelings of love were not very strong and I wanted to get away from her so that I would stop hurting. I moved out and we got a divorce. I still care about her, I don't want her to die, I want her to have a happy life, but I don't want her to find anyone else. But I don't love her.
I don't know how it happened for your guy but I slowly realized that the woman I thought that I knew, the woman that I had fallen in love with, no longer existed. I came to realize that my love had been built upon some misperceptions about her. If I had known in 2008 what I know about her now, we would not have had a second date.
But it happened. I have moved on from her, i have tried to learn my lessons from the experience, and I have started dating. If you choose, you can step off of the carousel and be an observer of life instead of a participant, but life continues regardless of what we do. Learn your lessons and move forward.0
Most Helpful Girl
Love is forever for me, but it changes over time. I have one ex that I was very in love with, and breaking up was terrible for a few months... but in that time my love began to change. It wasn't romantic anymore. I still love him, but I love him without any romantic feelings. It's like I am happy with the memories I have with him, and how much I grew during our two years together. I love him for being a great person and for letting me go when I needed to. I love the change he was for me. I am really having a hard time explaining it!
Anyway... it's going to hurt for a while, and it's not going to be easy. Don't try to change or challenge what you feel. Be sad. Be angry. Be confused and frustrated and upset. Let the storm pass, and your skies will calm down. There's no magic trick for getting over a break up, just as there's no magic trick for falling in love. It just happens when it's ready.
People who seem to turn these feelings on and off are faking it somewhere. Either they weren't honest in their feelings during the relationship, or they are hiding their pain after it ends. There's nothing wrong with you. Being emotive is healthy and strong.
Take care of yourself, and spend some time alone and with friends if you are up to it. Don't try to force the love you feel away. It will transform into something peaceful if you give it time to rest.1