My boyfriend of 9 years didn't come home tonight?

So I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years. He moved into my place the beginning of last year although he's successful and could afford his own rent. Anyways... we recently went to Boston and upon coming back he's been a total jerk. He comes home at late hours even though he's off at 10pm. He expects me not to question where he's been... but to just go with it. I know most of the time he's out with co-workers and such but he's just been super distant. He's also an alcoholic. I stay because I love him so very much... we got together when I was 17 and he was 18. Everything was going good until recently... This evening he didn't come home. I'm bummed... He won't even return my texts. Should I just ask him to find a place of his own? We have so many things and a trip to Mexico coming up but who wants to be there when you're just feeling used?

Updates:
He just showed up at 4am. I'm furious but I'll keep calm. So upset guys! This I'm done with this.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If your fella fails to inform you that he's going to be late, then there's issues in the relationship, but if he fails to tell you that he won't be home that night and there's not a valid excuse for it, then there's really bad issues in your relationship. I would suggest you do suggest that he gets his own place, that way he can come home as he pleases and you don't have to worry about it, and suggest he obviously doesn't want the things you want so he might want to get a maid who is willing to put up with his attitude and disrespectful approach to a relationship, because no girl will tolerate it unless she's an employee of his.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I've been in a relationship for nine years. I had a lot of growing up to do while I got into it. I had moments where all I wanted to do was party and be about myself. My guy was never like that. I guess that's because we shared almost a decade of a age difference.
    You and your guy have been together since you both were really young.
    He missed out on a phase in life and is going backwards.
    He may come to the point where he screws this all up.
    There's nothing you can do to stop this.
    I think you need to give him a choice either he a- leaves you or b - stops his behavior.
    What he is doing his rude and disrespectful.
    Don't be shocked when he chooses a and then wants to be back with you years later.
    You have to move on and not put your life on hold

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • 1. If you are dealing with an alcoholic, you must avoid being his enabler. That is bad for him so, ultimately, that is bad for you.

    2. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. It also takes trust and respect. At the present, he is disrespecting you and you have no reason to trust him.

    3. I rarely recommend ultimatums but I know you won't give up on him easily and you need to be convinced that you have tried to do everything that you could possibly do before you walk away from him.

    4. You need to tell yourself that, if you walk away from him, it is permanent. If you simply walk away until he sobers up, you will be getting on a merry-go-round that is not very merry.

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    • Great advice... I've been on this merry go round too long 👎🏽

  • "He expects me not to question where he's been"

    Red flag right there. All right, constantly nagging your SO on where they were, what did they do is suffocating, yes. But both parties should inform each other of where they were during the day. It's not that hard unless you have something to hide.

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    • I don't nag him... that's the thing I don't even question him. I just go about my life when he tells me he's going outZ then at 2-3am he will call me asking me to take he and his friends (some of which are damn near 30) home because they've all been drinking. I have no problem with that... however now this fools just not coming home. I'll just assume he does t want to be here and I've learned my lesson about living together before marriage or even the idea of it. Lesson learned!

  • It does indeed sound like you are being used. It does not mean he uses you deliberately though. I wouldn't be surprised if that's just a matter of routine, he kinda came to accept that you are always there for him. I don't think he fully realizes how bad of a behavior he has. You might want to give him a chance to sober up and get his act together, depending on how much you really care for him. It's difficult to change a person, and he has to want it himself first and foremost.

    It sounds more like he has some personal issues honestly, a depression because his career isn't moving anywhere? A financial issue? Insecurities because you make more than him and on top of it he has to live in your apartment? I don't know. It does sound like he has some kind of mental problem and needs help. Either way, you should talk about it, and find out whether you are willing to help him or rather find someone else.

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    • He makes more than I do... he has a great career. He has low self esteem and the instant a girl gives him attention he's all over it.

  • Ask him if he's still happy to be in relationship with you. If not, then it's time to cut your losses and move on.

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    • He told me he wants to move into a place of his own, but still remain in a relationship. I feel like we would be going backwards and I don't want to do this. Maybe I should gather his belongings and send him off to his moms.

    • Just go with gut feeling and show him the door.

  • i would say, it is best to get him to come clean about what he's doing, or if he still doesn't want to talk, then kick his ass out and look to move on, as bad as it sounds no one should be used in a relationship

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    • I agree. I've been nothing short of great to the guy. I cook him breakfast and dinner, wash his clothes... I'm really sweet I do all of this and work and go to school. I give him my attention and listening ear. When I've had a bad day or there is a problem he never will listen so I almost feel as though I have no one to talk to. When he has a problem I'm supposed to be all ears. It sucks.

    • yeah you shouldn't have to deal with things like that in a relationship, if he was a good guy he would be there for you as you are for him, you need to move on from him and find someone more deserving of you

  • I guess your boyfriend has gone insane. Sorry. That's what happens when you drink too much alcohol. He clearly killed off some of his brain cells.

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  • Either I don't understand your question or there's too many. What is your primary question?

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    • She just wants to be comforted, told that everything is going to be alright, that's all any girl in here wants

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    • Then either give him an ultimatum or dump him. There's no reason for a guy to be a continuous jerk like that.

    • I agree

  • Maybe something ba happened

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What Girls Said 11

  • ... He's an alcoholic...
    Before jumping the gun, although I know yu most likely want to set him in the saddle and scream for him to ride away as fast as his horse can take him, tail and all, Wait to make sure He is Okay, @Honeygolditly and tha the isn't Hurt or Even.. Worse right now.
    If you find that he has stayed out all night because of other reasons of the seasons, sit him down and tell him he either has to get help for the bottle because some of this is causing a problem pattern in your relationship, which other dominoes are following, or if he dead Refuses... Ask him to find a place of his own and it will be right this minute that you should get him packing, lock, stock and bad boy barrel, to some other Co-worker's' place.
    You would then have the smoking gun you would need to give him his walking papers and tell him not to let the door hit him in His... Bummed bum.
    Good luck. xx

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  • Maybe jumping into the whole moving into together thing wasn't a good idea. It really cuts off the ability to have privacy and alone time (chill time). I think his going out late because that is his "me time" . Things he does, when he wants to, however he wants to. And he doesn't want you to ask because its like "why are you asking me about my me time for?"

    There seems to be a loss of communication between the two of you. Hence why he wants to find his own place. I wouldn't say it's going backwards, but it just seems you guys started to live together and it was just all too much for him.

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    • That makes a lot of sense to meZ you would just think after being together for long that after 8 years living together would be ok. When I go out, if I'm out past 11/12 he texts me asking where I'm at or what I'm doing. I don't hesitate to respond because it's not in my personality to ignore someone...

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    • I think you're right and I would have done this in the beginning had he gotten a place of his own and I wasn't so eager to allow him to move in. At this point I'm over it though... I want to be with someone who really loves me through actions... now just saying it but never showing it.

    • I agree. I want to be in someones life as they are in mine. It sounds like you have come to a conclusion. Good luck :)

  • If he never ever reacts to anything? Seriously, forget him and move on. Of all, revealing him no attention and doing your own thing will offer off a much better message than sending him a long, mad text explaining why he's a dirt bag.

    Second of all, if he's not going to respect you enough to answer you, he's unworthy your time at all. Cut your losses and proceed now.

    Good luck.

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  • I'm all for not being controlling and such, but he isn't returning your texts or coming home? This isn't right my dear, it isn't right at all. There is something very amiss here and you really need to get to the bottom of this. If he is an alcoholic then he needs to accept this and do something about it, otherwise I would advise you leave now before any more time, money and love is invested into someone who doesn't have respect enough for you to let you know they are safe.

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    • You're right

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    • Have tried helping him with alcoholism but you can only lead a horse to water you can't make it drink. Learned that lesson AND I mean if this person is treating me this way then it's better to cut my losses as sad as it might be for me. My life is on the up and up and this is the only thing that stresses me the heck out!

    • It sounds like you're ready to move on to me. It's a big decision. A huge change but with it comes the opportunity for... well... the possibilities are endless! I think you already know what your decision is... be strong, it may be the best thing for you both.

  • I don't think your relationship will work out. He's an alcoholic, he refuses to tell you about his whereabouts, he refuses to communicate and discuss his issues. Something is wrong with him and I doubt it will get better.

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  • sorry but sounds like the relationship is not alive anymore... he became an alcoholic and doesn't even want to tell you where he is... something is wrong.. if he isn't willing to discuss about it with you then i think that you should better move on

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  • Ask him if he is serious about the relationship. If not, then confront him about moving on. Kick his ass out if he is using you for a place to stay and food.

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  • he might be drinking again. they usually get more distant and start lying when that happens

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    • and him wanting to move out is a clear indicator that something is wrong. He clearly has something to hide

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    • started I'd like to say the second week of September when we came back from Boston. Boston was amazing he was so loving and caring... we come back home and he's just a total dickwad... however this behavior is on and off with him through the years as well.

    • well i think that is the problem. he seems to get a free pass whenever that behaviour happens

      Is this time any different from the others that he has behaved like a jerk? Meaning is it worse?

  • Did something happen in Boston?

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    • No... In Boston we had an amazing time and he was professing his undying love to me.

    • This doesn't make sense at all.. he should get his own appartment to sort his feelings out.

    • I agree! It makes no sense and it's confusing the hell out of me!

  • I think you should do what you think is best for yourself. Maybe you should tell him to find a place of his own. You don't know what he was doing that night. He could have been in someone else's bed with the lights turned off and red wine!

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  • You are allowing yourself to get hurt. You know he is an alcoholic yet you still decided to stay knowing that being an alcoholic comes With problems. I mean what are you waiting for him to do after 9 years when he's still doing the same thing? If he didn't change then what makes you think he will change now?

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    • I agree... Wasted efforts and I'm only getting older 👎🏽

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