How do you know you should break up with someone? Confused on whether I am doing right or wrong? Need advice PLEASE HELP ME ASAP?

We will be together now for 9 months already. I've meet his mom and sis. His dad came to visit so i met him. We've had great times and have gotten into arguments that have resulted in not talking for days. I am not perfect but i know I've given it my all. Cooked gor his family, never used him for sexual pleasure, we've never had sex, and most of all I've placed him as my top priority. Stop making plans with friends etc. But he puts his friends first. I've asked him for favors such as picking me up from someplace but he couldnt because his mom nags him. I asked him to pick me up from this place and a night before he was like i want to go running with my friends so i can't. Too early and too much of you to ask. He can't do a favor for me but he had been hanging with his friends for 2 days straight. I told him how he has disappointed me and we fought over the phone. We haven't talked for 4 days. Im tired. I know i need to break up with him. But it hurts because i care for him. Weve had problems and i talked about breaking up. He said he would change but regarding a different matter. I know i am worth so much and deserve someone who is there for me and puts me as their priority. How can i deal with this. When do i know enough is enough? How to cope


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Most Helpful Guy

  • 1. Why are you dating? Not "why are you dating this person," just "why are you dating?" Are you dating because you are looking for a partner to settle down with in a long term relationship/marriage? Are you dating just because you don't want to be alone on Friday and Saturday nights? Are you dating because you need a sexual partner? If you are not looking for a long term relationship, changing partners will not be as traumatic and you don't have the emotional investment of someone looking for a spouse. For this Take, I will assume that you are looking to find the other half of the future Mr. and Mrs. You.

    2. How long have you been dating? If you have only been dating for three weeks and you are already asking this question, the answer seems rather obvious. When you find someone with whom you are compatible, the honeymoon phase will invariably end. . . but not after three weeks. This is not The One for you. If you have been dating for at least three or four months, you have an investment in this person and you should not be so quick to discard this opportunity.

    When Is It Time To Break Up?

    3. Have you identified the specific problems? If she orders the most expensive thing on the menu but doesn't eat half of it, what's really bothering you? Is it the $22.95 that you spent for the lobster thermidor of something else? Do you think she is using you, spending your money for entertainment purposes? Do you think she is being insensitive to the fact that you only earn $400/week and she tries to get you to spend $200 on a date? Of course, if he blew his nose while you were eating, that's a disgusting thing to do, but. . . has he ever been taught that it is a rude thing to do, is he simply doing whatever is most convenient without any regard for others, does he frequently embarrass you in public? Do you really care if she buys another pair of shoes or do you resent the fact that she seems to waste your time? Does his interest in football get you upset because you want to do other things on Saturday or does it remind you of your high school boyfriend, the star quarterback who you caught doing it doggy style with your best friend?

    You need to be honest with yourself about what the real problems are. There is no sense in spending time addressing issues if your best efforts still won't resolve the real issues.

    CONTINUED

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    • 4. Are these the kind of problems which can be resolved? Not all problems are susceptible to intervention and change. Not all differences can be tolerated.

      I am a man with a professional degree. I don't think that makes me a better person than a girl with a high school diploma, but it does make us different. She may be very intelligent but uneducated but perhaps she is just normal intelligence and will always feel uncomfortable being around my professional friends. My ex-wife had a 2 year degree from a local community college. She was embarrassed when she went to social functions with me and was asked where she went to college. I wasn't embarrassed about her, but she felt self-conscious and eventually stopped attending events with me. That didn't break our marriage. . . but it was one more conflict that we had to face. And it was a conflict that could not readily be resolved. (I encouraged her to return to school and get her bachelor's degree. She did so but dropped out after 4 weeks

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    • I will take your word. My mom says my dad never changed. He's not with us... Thanks for your advice

    • This is a difficult lesson to learn. Good luck!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Weigh your options, and try to take a step back and view the situation from another person's perspective. Right now emotion is clouding your judgement, and decisions are best made based on facts, not feelings.

    Some things are worth fighting over, and some aren't. A ride... not worth breaking up over someone. But not feeling valued or like you are a priority? That is a bigger issue. Does he know why you are really upset--that it's not just about you getting a ride or making time for you? Have you told him what you told us?

    Image your mom, your sister, or your best friend were in your exact place. Knowing what you know about your boyfriend, what advice would you give them?

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    • Id tell her not to depend on a man. Maybe, that he isn't what she needs. If a guy isn't there for you and prioritizes you then you deserve a man who does

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Sounds like you could use a diversion. These situations are always emotionally charged. As another recommended, Step away from the matter to gain some clarity. You already know your worth, So I will spare you that speech.

    It's all a matter of what you are willing to deal with. Is this something that you would be willing to deal with years down the road from now? If the answer is no, Then you know what must be done.

    After that, Go back to doing other things that you enjoy, Like pick up where you left off with an old hobby, or anything really. Just something to refresh your mind.

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    • I dont want to deal with this later on... Im just afraid. My first relationship and i dont know how to break it to him. He hasn't even contacted me at all...

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    • He always says he is going to change regardless of issue and falls back into it

    • If you already see a pattern, and if you are fairly sure that he is going to fall back into this same pattern as you have seen it before, Then yeah, It's time to bail on the situation.

  • So wait you two haven't had sex or stopped having it?

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    • We've never had sex. I've given him handjobs and basically dryhumping. Showering together. But no sex

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    • I know. I am very resented. But tbh hurts like hell knowing i have to break up with someone i love. Its a shame when someone doesn't value you as a person.

    • Your heart knows where to go.

What Girls Said 1

  • My ex did the same thing: took me for granted. When I 1st approached him about feeling taken for granted he was genuinely scared that I would leave, nothing changed when I reassured him I wouldn't leave. The 2nd time I talked to him about that issue, that turned into a full blown argument. I saw there was no future as I knew if there were any bigger issues in our life together, what in the heck would happen? Never let anyone take you for granted, if he ditches you now for friends he will ditch you in the future when you re married/live together/have a family. If someone really cares about their bf/gf they will go out of their way to care for them and they will listen to their partner and try to figure things out together.

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    • You are right. I just feel bad because he's been there with me. Like when we have full arguments and i am at fault. He's always been there. Says compared to others he overlooks my faults. Something he doesn't do for his friends. But he isn't there when i need him. Which hurts. I've cried 3x because of him

    • Utter BS about not seeing your faults. My ex told me something very similar, when I approached him about not having any future goals (a problem I was having w/him for months, I need a man who can support me, he had no interests and goals). He told me he doesn't hold my flaws against me (he refused to tell me my flaws). If he didn't hold those "flaws" against me they would not be flaws and there would be absolutely no need to bring that up. I know I'm not perfect, but I am willing to work on those flaws that I have so that I can be a better person. Your boyfriend is manipulating you into thinking he is such a great guy, but at the same time making you feel bad. My ex also blamed me for the issues we were having, as he was perfectly "content" in the relationship. Run girl as fast as you can, not saying this is easy. I'm still picking up the pieces, but I know in time I will find a guy who does accept my flaws as I will accept his and will go out of his way for me, as I am willing to do for him.

    • This quite empowering. Thank you! I know i will attract what i want. Someone who treats me right

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