How can you love someone so much and let them go? Feeling like it's personal?

My now ex boyfriend has moderate/severe depression with some days being worse than others.
Some days he just wants to "shut the world out" (as he calls it) and can't deal with anything.
On top of it, he's an introvert and likes a lot of alone time anyway.
We had been fighting a lot the past couple months and finally broke up 5 nights ago. Usually we fix things after fighting, but this time was different.

He told me that he's unhappy with himself, where he is with his life (his career isn't going as planned and he has multiple classes to take soon) his depression is affecting things, etc. He said he can't be happy with someone else til he's happy with himself. He says he just wants to be alone and doesn't want a relationship right now no matter who it's with.
He's saying he needs to take at least a year to get himself sorted and stuff.
He told his friend that if we'd met at a different time in his life that he thinks we'd have been a long term relationship (we were only together 4 or 5 months).

This guy friend of mine knew we had broken up and called me last night and asked me on a date.
My ex freaked out and got super, super angry. He said, "What just happened should show you how much you going out with someone else bothers and upsets me and how much I still love you." and says he still loves me and cares about me.
How can you love someone so much and let them go?
Also, he doesn't seem very upset and his life seems to carry on as normal (although he says he is. He says he's good at hiding and ignoring his emotions)

When he said that he was going to wait at least a year before dating again, I mentioned that I wouldn't wait that long (I didn't mean waiting for him; I meant it wouldn't be a year before I dated again) but he thought I meant waiting for him and he said, "You weren't expecting me to come back were you?"

Updates:
Maybe I'm being sensitive, but it seems like if I was such a great girlfriend (he takes full responsibility and blame for the breakup) then maybe he'd want to see how things would go with me in a year when he's more together.
I'm not saying I'd want to wait around but I'm already upset about the breakup and it feels really personal even though he swears it's not.

I'm 21 and he's 26 by the way.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • some of you need a lesson in brevity. srsly.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • okay... let me tell you this... his story reminds me a lot of mine... so i really understand him.

    the thing is that when you're depressed... you just can't heal from it until you try to fix yourself by yourself.
    i made a mistake years back by thinking that my boyfriend should help me become happy, but it just made me miserable because i saw how he was struggling because of me... he just felt unhappy and didn't think he was a good boyfriend because he couldn't make me happy... so your 'ex' by breaking up with you is like saying 'i dont want to see her hurt because of me' so basically he is caring for you...

    & also he'll never be able to treat you right cause depressions comes and goes... it isn't predictable... also he's really stressed out so he has even more problems... so for a depressed person it takes a lot of toll on us when we're stressed out... and plus there's you that he has to think about... triple heavy stone on his shoulders...

    if you love him, you should wait for him because basically what he's doing right now is taking care of you (it might not make sense to you as of now you're confused, but you'll eventually understand).
    but if you dont love him... you can always start dating your friend...

    I don't know if i was clear enough... but if you have more questions dont hesitate

    just understand that he's doing it for you, for him and for you both.

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    • No that really helped. That's actually something that he's said before. There have been different times where I was upset because of his depression and he'd say that now he felt even worse because he was upsetting me
      So seriously, thank you :)

    • yes thats basically it... even if he has depression, he still wants to make you feel good, but he just can't cause of that goddamn depression... so yep.
      i really hope he'll be able to heal... it takes time, but he can pull through it if he really wants to (it still took me from 1 to 2 years to be healed from it... not completely, but much much better than before... now i'm def ready to date someone ^^)
      good luck to you both ^^!

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • Honestly, when you love someone, you are willing to let them go in order to ensure their happiness. He isn't healthy enough to be in a strong, prosperous relationship, so in all honesty he did the 100% right thing in breaking up with you. I am sure he still loves you very much but knows that he doesn't have it in him to have a good relationship with you. He's being actually very considerate.

    However, he can't exactly have the expectation that you're going to wait on him either. It is up to you and your discretion if you want to move on or not. That is your choice, ultimately.

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    • Thank you :) I know he did the right thing; I'm just sad and sensitive right now.

    • I understand and you have every right to be.

  • Do not take the blame for it. It sounds like he does struggle. Maybe once you moved out he will really see what it means to loose you. Introverts can sometimes be stressed by the burden of a relationship. He probably feels like he can't even get his life right how could he get yours right.

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