Both have been CHEATED on. How to deal?

This guy that I have been dating was cheated on in his last relationship...I was also cheated on in my last relationship. We text all the time, hang out when ever this is a free moment and tell each other everything that we are doing, whether its staying late at work, going to a relatives house, down the street or to a friends, who all is at the friends house and if it there are men or women there. I feel like I should tell every detail what I'm doing and at times I feel like he is telling me everything he is doing because we want each other to know what we are doing, due to us both being cheated on. He went to his usual hang out after work, 3 days in a row and texted me when he got there, told me who all was there and so on. Well, the 2nd of the the 3rd time that he was there he texted me and asked if I was mad that he was there. I told him, no, why would I be mad. And he was like because this is where I go when I get off of work, but your still busy, so I was waiting for you to become available...Does this relationship seem healthy, so far? What do I or we need to do to keep an even balance? Oh, and the place he goes is not a strip club or a bar;...its like a bar/grill type of setting.

Updates:
I guess my question is: How do two people that have been cheated on have a healthy relationship without worrying that the other is doing something if they aren't always around each other. I want to have some space, but at the same time,
i feel like if I do go out with my friends, then he may think that I'm doing something "bad". And I don't want to break his trust. How can I suggest that we have some "me" time and not feel bad about it?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Seems average enough to me- though from my perception of what hasn't worked for myself:

    Divulging the facts of your daily life upfront- usually makes the relationship less interesting. There is no drama or mystery in the air to create an alternate atmosphere. What that drama and mystery does- it makes couples argue.

    - The arguements that take place because of those reasons are usually a foundation development cycle that creates a backbone to the relationship. Both parties start to understand each other and develope a meaningful bond because they are interacting at a "real" level. There is no sugar coating to a given situation.

    The backbone described above is a reassurance tool that when something critical happens- neither the man or the woman would run for the hills. if they don't know how to handle a simple argument (or jealousy) that all couples have, then they are trying to prevent something that is a natural human trait.

    I will admit it myself- when I see my girlfriend with another guy, it bothers me. Just like if I were with another girl- it would bother her.

    The appropriate way to go about the situation is how you have done so PRIMARILY (asking if it's okay); however, afterwards when it has been approved as "okay" it would be respectful not to keep asking about being over there. You don't need permission in a real relationship- you need understanding.

    - So instead of him requiring you to approve him being over there, you should naturally assume that he isn't doing anything wrong (aka you should trust him) and vice-versa for yourself.

    Either way, to each their own- if this works for you and it doesn't bother you- why would you be asking about it here? It's my assumption that you want to improve upon this- am I wrong?

    ~ ArtistBBoy

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    • You are correct. I do want to improve this realtionship, but don't want to feel like we are smoothering each other with data and our personal space all of the time.

    • Talk with him and say: "Hey- I'm starting to trust you more and I don't require as much approval of what you are doing. I appreciate you bearing with me in these hard times. I'm growing rather fond of being with you and I really enjoy your patience"

    • Thank you....I will give it a shot!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You two should have thought about this before engaging in a relationship. The fact that you two are insecure about what happened in the past with different people means you guys have not moved on. Everyone starts with a clean slate. You can't put the blame of others on other people and have them carry it. That's just down right selfish.

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    • I trust him that he's not doing anything. However, he still questions everything I do. If he texts me after I have went to sleep and thenI text him if I wake up in the middle of the night, he asks "um, why are you up?" and says..."hmm, seems odd that your up at such and such AM"...I asked him if he wanted me to setup a camera in my house and hook it up to the internet so he could see everything that I was doing. Have not heard from him sincde I told him that.

    • Show All
    • Other than counseling...how else can this realtionship be "fixed"? I want him to trust me but I don't want to feel like I have to explain everything that I do. I know trust is built, but how can it be built if he is always questioning everything I do? I don't get it. I texted him and told him that I was upset this morning because it seems I always have to explain myself and he said he was sorry. He seems short today.

    • Ask him "what have I done or am doing that makes you unable to trust me"? If he still feels like he is unable to trust you or your lifestyle, then invite him to join you or hang out with you some more. I hate to say this to you, but it sounds like you two feel bad for each other and are in this relationship because of one thing: you guys can relate to being the victim. I hope this isn't the case.

What Girls Said 5

  • well whatever you guys decide on, as long as it's ok with you two then it's fine.

    i mean if he went to a bar/grill setting, honestly it's more family oriented or buddy oriented. I wouldn't be ok with my guy going to a strip club but other females may be ok

    point is, what's ok is subjective. in each relationship its going to be different. likewise you guys agreed this was ok, to tell each other where you're at, it's like you're giving each other some comfort how things are going to be. so I would say it's healthy so far...and eventually you guys will just trust each other.

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    • Thanks..If he told me he was at a strip club or hanging out with a bunch of women, then I may have been mad for him being there for 3 days in a row. I trust him, and I know that he wouldn't do anything intentional to hurt me. Complete trust is build over time, I know...and hope that we can continue to build a solid foundation. :)



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    Update: I guess my question is: How do two people that have been cheated on have a healthy relationship without worrying that the other is doing something if they aren't always around each other. I want to have some space, but at the same time, 18 minutes ago

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    Update: I feel like if I do go out with my friends, then he may think that I'm doing something "bad". And I don't want to break his trust. How can I suggest that we have some "me" time and not feel bad about it? 16 minutes ago

    I would suggest he meet your friends, if he hasn't already. Or you both (with your friends) all go out in a group setting for drinks/dinner. That way it'll make him connect faces with names you mention and make him feel a bit more at ease when you express you want to hang out with your friends. Suggest this idea to him. Is he asking to come along with you whenever you go out? or are you assuming he wants to come along?

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    • I have met a few of his friends, but he has never met my friends, yet. He usually is working when my friends have time to go out. So, how would I work around that?

    • Maybe try finding out when he has off or can take a vacation day OR maybe try getting together during a federal holiday weekend (ie: Fourth of July, Labor day)

  • Awww I feel for both of you guys. First BREATHE! LOL ok. I think both of you are trying extra hard to be cautious of each others feelings and be honest about whereabouts to develop a sense of trust. Sounds a bit extreme notifying each other of every move so I think first thing you should both do is sit down together face to face and ask each other "In this relationship, what do you expect? What do you expect from your s/o? "Cover all topics or topics you feel comfortable asking about. Ask and listen. That way you are both on the same page and can proceed confidently. He may just say " call me when you leave work and let me know when you get home" that may be all he needs to feel fine. You don't know until you ask. So both clarify for each other what your expectations are so you both can build solid trust in your relationship. It'll work out. Good luck to you both.

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    • Thank you! :) I will talk to him this weekend and find out what his expectations are and vice versa. We are so happy together and I don't want us to spend too much time trying to prove our points all of the time. But, beings we have both been cheated on, its a breath of fresh air that he/i acually take the time out to be open about everything...

    • Great good luck! I'm sure things will turn out better than you think. :)

  • Both of you need to let go your pasts in order to have a healthy relationship with each other because that is what's keeping you both from trusting each other.You need to sit down and talk to each other and ask what's the other persons views on relationships and what expectations do you/he have on current or future relationships.You both need to reassure each other that the past is the past and you are not going to cheat.Also keep in mind both of you were the victims not the cheaters so its more than likely that neither of you will cheat but your fears is what will ruin the potential relationship.Hope that helped.

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  • Your going to get annoyed soon, just take time & but he seems like the type of guy that is like where and you every 10 minutes & VERY clingy & will get mad at you for something wrong you did or if you didn't pick up his calls or text. Get back at me as in how your relationship is going : )

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