Guys and Girls - she's told me twice it was over, but she keeps texting me. What's she doing?

I've been dating a girl for a couple of months. We had a fight and she's told me twice that it was over, not out of anger, just out of her not being ready for a relationship. And yet, she still texts me, telling me she's sad, she missed hearing from me, asking about my day, basically like nothing happened.

We did not know each other before we started dating, and we are not likely to see each other very often at all if we break up. I *told* her I was really hurt, but have not been acting like it's affected me. Is she not quite sure of her decision? Is she trying to make me fight for her? Is she testing me? Or is she checking up to see whether I'm okay (she would be justified in not caring whether I'm okay)?


Most Helpful Girl

  • In my opinion she likes you, but doesn't love you. She is keeping you around because she is emotionally damaged or unstable and you are her source of feel good feelings. You care and attention are something she needs, so that is why she will continue texting you. She wants YOU to still like her and make her feel good about herself.

    • She actually told me she loves me the other night. She was drunk and upset, but she said it about 10 times and she also said it in other ways ("falling for you," etc).

      She is very damaged. She was married to a guy for 9 years who ran around behind her back for most of the marriage. She's even told me how scared she was that she was falling for me. I've found that when I tell her what I think she's feeling she responds. When I tell her what I'm feeling, she recoils just a bit. She fluctuates between being weirdly honest about her fear and insecurities to putting up walls and literally telling me she doesn't have feelings, to which I usually calmly reply that she's just saying that to put up walls and she never refutes it. Sometimes I feel like her psychologist.

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    • Well you hit the nail on the head about a dozen times there in your assessment of her.

      We've slept together probably 20-25 times and I haven't mentioned it in weeks and really don't intend to. And I have, for the most part, ignored my pain and played along like nothing happened. And I planned on being her psychologist, and have told her the way she feels is perfectly natural and I understand.

      Thanks for confirming I was on the right track.

    • And speaking objectively, you're probably right that I shouldn't get involved. That thought has crossed my mind several times, which is why I gave serious consideration to blocking her number a few hours ago.

      But I do understand what she's going through and I do care. And I've suggested that maybe she should see someone about her repressed feelings about her failed marriage but stressed that I wasn't calling her crazy and that anyone in her situation would have a tough time dealing with what she went through. I actually think, given what I know of her, that she's very strong and I've told her that and told her I admire her for it.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I didn't read your summary but I would just ignore her or question her

    • I don't want to ignore her because I want her back. And I understand ignoring her could make her try to get me back, but in this situation that's not necessarily going to work. Plus I'm concerned about her hooking up with someone else in the meantime. Not that she's promiscuous or not to be trusted, but she isn't currently obligated not to do that and she's in a tough place emotionally so she may do it as a confidence booster or for comfort.

      It's not the kind of thing I can question at this point. We've talked about it and she's adamant that breaking up with me is not what she wants (and I'm inclined to believe her considering the texting), but she's scared of a committment (which I also believe given her recent history)

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