Should I go to a family Christmas dinner where my ex will be?

We're both in our late 20's. My ex-boyfriend ended our relationship aboout 2 weeks ago for the following reasons: (1) his financial situation sucks (really sucks) and he's overwhelmed now because he can't provide for me or basically do anything for himself. He said that he wants to get himself together financially before he can be in a relationship again. (2) He feels like he needs to "redefine" his identify as a man. Meaning, he's been in a relationship for so long; he was with his ex for 3 years and then we started talking basically right away. So basically, it seems like he needs to "find himself". I didn't agree with him of course, but I learned to accept his decision. He says that he knows he wants to marry me, but he needs to set himself up first and he's okay with me dating other guys in the meantime. In my opinion, it just seems like he didn't live the single life long enough. I was dumb in this situation because i still hung out with him since I love him very much. This situation really really hurts. So now he's using Tinder and flirting with girls on there, but still calling me. It hurts. I just blocked his number yesterday so i don't see his calls. Yesterday i was on the phone with him and I told him that either he can try to focus on us or keep talking to girls on Tinder. He chose Tinder. He said that he can't give me a relationship right now because of where he's at in his life. So he's still using Tinder everyday. He's now setting up dates with girls on Tinder. He also wants me to let him know when I do go on a date and he would the same. Now, his sister is married to my cousin and they're having a Christmas dinner in a few weeks. She invited me, and of course him, his family and a few my family members (since she is married to my cousin). I'm thinking about not going cause I know it's going to be hard to see him, but at the same time my family will be there. Thoughts?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You're being played. No, you should not spend the holidays together. He is not using this time to 'find himself', and that once he does he will return to normal and marry you. He is using this time to play the field. If he finds another girl, and falls in love with her, he isn't going to turn around and tell her 'Sorry, I know we've been dating for a year now, and that we love each other, but I'm supposed to marry somebody else. Hope you don't mind...'

    He is using you as a fall-back plan in case things don't work out. He knows you have feelings, and that those feelings are going to make it hard for you to move on. So it gives him a lot of time to experiment and see who else he can sleep with before he has to start having more difficult conversations. He is 'redefining himself as a man' by saying he wants to fuck other women, basically. That does not show any sort of monogamous commitment to you as a person.

    IF he was actually into you, and actually behind the idea of marrying you, he would be able to stay monogamous while figuring out his financial shit and spending some time away from a relationship. He isn't. Look at his actions, not at his words. The actions will tell you what he is really thinking. And his actions are saying he wants to sleep around. Those are not the actions of someone that has found their future spouse.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • How can I put this gently? Ok here you go. FUCK NO! telling him when you're going on dates, talking with him while he's hitting up chicks on tinder Get your head out of your ass. Let him "find himself" or whatever but don't sit at home in the hopes of his return and definitely do not spend the holidays together. It's like he gets the best of both worlds. Show some self respect and cut ties. get your own life going and don't fill him in on at of it. He's just trying to keep you close in the event something better doesn't show up. STOP giving him that option.

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What Guys Said 4

  • this old black and white movie it's like ( I wanna marry me but not now OR I brokup with u but I still love u, we need space... etc). don't you feel bored?
    spend holidays with those who appreciate your presence in their lives, not who you have to impress

    Good luck...

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  • First he's an ass. Second if you can be adult and civil I'd go

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  • bad idea. I think part of being in a serious relationship is being there for ther other person and supporting them. if you like this guy then try to convince him that you support him and are there for him and want to make the relationship work.

    however it sounds like he might just want to use his situation as an out because he wants to break up with you. If he was really just going to focuss on fixing himself and his situation he wouldn't be on tinder

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  • I don't see why you two can't keep the relationship mutually monogamous. To me it seems like he's using that as an excuse to see other women. Technically, it would cost him more money to go on dates with other girls rather that staying with you and going on no dates. He definitely doesn't want to be mutually exclusive so I don't see why you should be with him unless he promises not to see others.

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What Girls Said 4

  • My ex said the same thing. but he has been single ever since we broke up which was almost a year ago. He only had one night stand 6 months ago, and that was basically girl throwing herself on him. He had many other opportunities but he rejected it. He keeps saying he wants to be single, and I do believe him. And that's the only reason I can still maintain a contact with him. No pressure, all cool. But I know for sure that I would cut him off if he was "exploring". In the meantime, I live my life and I am surely not sitting around waiting for him. I do love him and I am willing to make it work, but I'm also fine with meeting someone new. I'm focusing on my career and my hobbies right now, I'm not gonna move a finger for a guy anymore. :D

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  • No way. Just... no. Make a clean break.

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  • Realllllly horrible effing idea. Disaster. :/

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  • Nope nope!!! He is using excuses to not be with you! If he really wanted to be with you you guys would work together to fix his issues but the not living the single life is bullshit! I would send him a text and say I'm bringing a date to Christmas dinner. Just wanted to let you know. He just wants to sleep and date other girls. You need to remind him he can't have best of all worlds.

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