We've been together for almost 4 years and engaged for 3. I hid the relationship from my parents for 3 years and recently introduced him 6 months ago. They are giving me a hard time because he is not Lebanese. They want me to break up with him. For the most part my fiance has been very patient and accepting... giving me my space. I told him before we got serious that this would be a problem and was very clear. He agreed to move forward anyways. My parents are very religious and part of their religion/culture is that the children listen to their parents no matter what age. I'm 31 and this still applies (yes, I know my profile says I'm a different age... I can't fix it for some reason). I live at home with them b/c another part of the culture is women don't move out of the house until married.
He met my parents 4 times within the last 6 months. My dad is trying to be accepting but is having a hard time with it. My mom has not budged once, which is suprising b/c she is half white. I knew they would give me grief but I didn't think it would be this bad. I tried telling them at the right time, when my fiance graduated medical school and had a residency lined up. I thought this would help my parents accept it more. It didn't help since they have very high standards.
We talked things over and I told him I wanted to at least give my parents until August of 2016 to accept it. If they still didn't I'd leave. I wanted to find a way to be respectful to my parents and my fiance. My fiance is working long shifts at the hospital and we don't get to see each other much. It's been once a week. He told me that he misses me a lot and he would like to see me when he gets home, even though he goes right to sleep to wake up and do it all over again.
He got really upset when I didn't look for an internship by him. He lives an hour and a half away. I currently am in grad school and work at the university under contract to pay for my school (I'm a graduate teaching assistant). So I wouldn't be able to do an internship by him unless I quit my job and moved in with him, which is what he wants me to do. I told him that the plan was to wait until I graduate with my masters degree. He gave me the ultimatum... but then when I talked to him yesterday he said he didn't want to break up... he was just putting pressure on me so I'd move in with him. However, before he said bye he also told me to have a nice life.
I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Thanks.
Most Helpful Guy
That is a very unfortunate situation to be in.
My advice would be to leave him. It is unacceptable to make an ultimatum like that, and it shows that he is clearly willing to attempt to manipulate you in order to get his own way. If he was truly in love with you as a person he would be wanting what was best for you, and manipulating you into sinking your own potential career just to make life a bit easier for him is the complete opposite of that.
The fact that your parents dislike him so much is probably a flag, to be honest. Parents generally want what is best for their children (yes, exceptions exist), and I think that your parents would probably be quite happy if they thought you had found a good guy and that you were going to get married and move out. The fact that you had to hide it for so long probably means there was a little voice in the back of your head telling you that you knew something wasn't right. I don't think the only problem would be that he isn't Lebanese. They are most likely seeing something about him that doesn't sit right, and if they can't quite put a finger on it, they can just claim it is cultural differences that is making them uncomfortable.
The problem, of course, is that the advice to leave him is easy to say, but incredibly hard to actually DO. There are so many signs that he would be even more manipulative once he had more control over you, even in that short description, that a marriage would be a bad idea. But you have been together for a long time, you will feel the weight of getting older and probably worry that it will be harder to find someone else, and the idea of actually leaving him over this has probably not really been a realistic thought, so it may seem extreme.
This will not be easy for you. The right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. And that is unpleasant advice to need to give someone :(0THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
- Show AllShow Less
Most Helpful Girl
My advice? Leave him. Not because of what your parents think. But because he's attempting to manipulate you in a way that could easily become emotionally abusive later on. I question if he's truly husband material after what you've described. Is he truly the type of man you build your life around? Is he really the type of man you embrace endless sacrifices for considering how much disrespect and indecency he showed you? He even admitted to attempting to manipulate you to get what he wants. In the future, what other ways will he put pressure on you to get the results he desires? Major red flag.
An hour and a half away isn't even that bad. -_- Listen. You are a young woman and it is very important to have your own career. It is crucial to make the best steps for your future career so that you can take care of yourself. There's no guarantee the marriage will last. Even if it did, realistically your husband may pass away. Then what are you supposed to do? You have to be able to provide for yourself. Interning is a major step to finding the absolute best job you can and if the best internship for you is not near him, then you shouldn't be limited due to his feelings. That was such a selfish request and it's just the tip of the iceberg.0THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
- Show AllShow Less