Please help. My fiance gave me an ultimatum: Either I find an internship near him, quit my job to be with him or he will break up with me?

We've been together for almost 4 years and engaged for 3. I hid the relationship from my parents for 3 years and recently introduced him 6 months ago. They are giving me a hard time because he is not Lebanese. They want me to break up with him. For the most part my fiance has been very patient and accepting... giving me my space. I told him before we got serious that this would be a problem and was very clear. He agreed to move forward anyways. My parents are very religious and part of their religion/culture is that the children listen to their parents no matter what age. I'm 31 and this still applies (yes, I know my profile says I'm a different age... I can't fix it for some reason). I live at home with them b/c another part of the culture is women don't move out of the house until married.

He met my parents 4 times within the last 6 months. My dad is trying to be accepting but is having a hard time with it. My mom has not budged once, which is suprising b/c she is half white. I knew they would give me grief but I didn't think it would be this bad. I tried telling them at the right time, when my fiance graduated medical school and had a residency lined up. I thought this would help my parents accept it more. It didn't help since they have very high standards.

We talked things over and I told him I wanted to at least give my parents until August of 2016 to accept it. If they still didn't I'd leave. I wanted to find a way to be respectful to my parents and my fiance. My fiance is working long shifts at the hospital and we don't get to see each other much. It's been once a week. He told me that he misses me a lot and he would like to see me when he gets home, even though he goes right to sleep to wake up and do it all over again.

He got really upset when I didn't look for an internship by him. He lives an hour and a half away. I currently am in grad school and work at the university under contract to pay for my school (I'm a graduate teaching assistant). So I wouldn't be able to do an internship by him unless I quit my job and moved in with him, which is what he wants me to do. I told him that the plan was to wait until I graduate with my masters degree. He gave me the ultimatum... but then when I talked to him yesterday he said he didn't want to break up... he was just putting pressure on me so I'd move in with him. However, before he said bye he also told me to have a nice life.

I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Thanks.

I wrote a letter to him but am not sure if I should send it or if it's appropriate:


Most Helpful Guy

  • That is a very unfortunate situation to be in.

    My advice would be to leave him. It is unacceptable to make an ultimatum like that, and it shows that he is clearly willing to attempt to manipulate you in order to get his own way. If he was truly in love with you as a person he would be wanting what was best for you, and manipulating you into sinking your own potential career just to make life a bit easier for him is the complete opposite of that.

    The fact that your parents dislike him so much is probably a flag, to be honest. Parents generally want what is best for their children (yes, exceptions exist), and I think that your parents would probably be quite happy if they thought you had found a good guy and that you were going to get married and move out. The fact that you had to hide it for so long probably means there was a little voice in the back of your head telling you that you knew something wasn't right. I don't think the only problem would be that he isn't Lebanese. They are most likely seeing something about him that doesn't sit right, and if they can't quite put a finger on it, they can just claim it is cultural differences that is making them uncomfortable.

    The problem, of course, is that the advice to leave him is easy to say, but incredibly hard to actually DO. There are so many signs that he would be even more manipulative once he had more control over you, even in that short description, that a marriage would be a bad idea. But you have been together for a long time, you will feel the weight of getting older and probably worry that it will be harder to find someone else, and the idea of actually leaving him over this has probably not really been a realistic thought, so it may seem extreme.

    This will not be easy for you. The right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. And that is unpleasant advice to need to give someone :(

    • It really is just the cultural difference my parents don't like. They said they like him as a person. It was an issue even before they met him. I wrote a letter to him in the updates but am not sure if I should send it.

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    • I don't want to take up more of your time but I do have one more question: What do you think would be a positive sign that my fiance isn't actually manipulative but was just having a bad day? Or is there one? Now I feel like I don't even know what is right. Maybe I did just find someone who is like my father.

    • If you want to send me a pm we could talk about this as much as you want.

      One thing to keep in mind is that no, it is not normal for the child to try and make their parents happy. It is normal for parents to try and make their children happy. The parents made the choice to have the child. The child did not make the choice to have the parents. The responsibility clearly is on the ones that make the conscious choice. That is simply emotional manipulation. And yes, it does sound like you may have found yourself another version of your father.

Most Helpful Girl

  • My advice? Leave him. Not because of what your parents think. But because he's attempting to manipulate you in a way that could easily become emotionally abusive later on. I question if he's truly husband material after what you've described. Is he truly the type of man you build your life around? Is he really the type of man you embrace endless sacrifices for considering how much disrespect and indecency he showed you? He even admitted to attempting to manipulate you to get what he wants. In the future, what other ways will he put pressure on you to get the results he desires? Major red flag.

    An hour and a half away isn't even that bad. -_- Listen. You are a young woman and it is very important to have your own career. It is crucial to make the best steps for your future career so that you can take care of yourself. There's no guarantee the marriage will last. Even if it did, realistically your husband may pass away. Then what are you supposed to do? You have to be able to provide for yourself. Interning is a major step to finding the absolute best job you can and if the best internship for you is not near him, then you shouldn't be limited due to his feelings. That was such a selfish request and it's just the tip of the iceberg.

    • That's interesting you put it this way. I posted the same question on Yik Yak in my area and most people were telling me things like I "haven't realized the level of dedication, commitment, sacrifice and respect it takes to be married to another person". Also that I should have never accepted his proposal if I knew my parents were going to be an issue... and that I need to grow up.

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    • Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it. I've been going back and forth on if I should break up. I'm going to talk to him and see if he was just having a bad day. When I confronted if he was serious about the ultimatum he said no... that he was just frustrated with not being able to see me. He said he would wait for me until I graduate but he isn't going to wait forever and doesn't see that I'm making an effort to move out of my parents house. He doesn't think I'm actually going to keep my word and move out after I graduate.

    • @Asker And I get that but he should be supporting you and trying to find a solution in a positive, open way not trying to manipulate you and pressure you to do what he wants. That's not cool. Honestly, you should consider that as a red flag. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would do that? :/

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What Guys Said 10

  • (I'm ignorant, this is the first I'm hearing Lebanese isn't white. I had a Lebanese girl in my class growing up, it was only mentioned once and I thought she was white. Like Lebanon was a white predominant Muslim country. Ignorance!)
    Honestly that sounds really screwed up. It sounded all well and good until he gets mad you won't move in with him before marriage even though he knows that's just not in line with your culture. Even though your dad is making an effort to accept him somewhat (as you said). And you've been with him 4 years. That's so messed up. If he wants something different he should be honest with you and figure something out rather than bottling this stuff up until bursting with... such a bad idea as an ultimatum.

    I'd normally say dump him on the principle he gave an ultimatum "him or blank" instead of talking like an adult. But things sound really serious between you two. However "goodbye have a nice life" is extremely finalistic. Hope he didn't just dump you that way. Have you talked to him since?

    I really don't know what to say. He sounds like a childish Doctor. Which feels like it should be some kind of oxymoron. Sorry for what problems he's causing you. Sounds very... crappy.

    • Thanks for your reply. To clarify... most people think I'm white because I look European but Lebanon is very diverse and there are people that definitely look non-white. I guess I'd be classified as "other"... I don't think most Americans would consider me white just because of my culture.

      I wanted to clarify a few things. He didn't ask me to move in with him before we got married. He would get married before we move in together... it would just have to be a quick courthouse type wedding... which I'm fine with as I don't want a wedding anyways.

      He gave me the ultimatum on Wednesday night... then he texted me right after the following:

      I love you (my name) and I'm sorry I got upset... I just want us to live together. And I know I am getting impatient... it just seems by your actions that you don't want to live with me and you're not ready to leave your parents house. Maybe I shouldn't rush it and just let things happen in time when they are ready too... but it just seems like we may not

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    • Like if apologizes and realizes he was being unreasonable is that a good sign? I feel like he said the ultimatum without thinking and didn't realky mean it

    • No idea. Seen a lot of silly jerks in the last few years. I don't think I could even hazard a guess one way or another without knowing him myself.

  • First, the easy bit. To change your age, contact admin. They will change it for you.

    The hard bit: It falls into two parts. Your family and your fiance.

    You have to plan ahead as if you were always going to be single. You need a job. The best you can get. This will only happen if you complete your studies and obtain the highest qualifications you can. However, you have a fiance, and that means there is most probably going to be a marriage. The first few years with two decent incomes will be invaluable. Preparing the way for any children that may come along. If anything should go wrong in that marriage, you still have your qualifications, and will still be able to command some sort of job, maintaining your independence.

    Lastly, there is your family. You have been, from the age of 18, an indepentent spirit. You parents cannot control you any longer, as if you were their personal possesion. I know it flies in the face of culture and custom, but there is no place for this continuing into the 21st century. You should consider their advice, but be emphatic that you have the right to chose your own destiny, even if you make some decisions that aren't so good.

    Nobody should attempt to tell you which option to chose. You know what's best for you. Remember, that knowledge is King! Get those qualifications, as high as you can go, and no one can take them away. You will always have the chance of a ecent job with a decent income.

  • Stay your coarse young Lady... I smell a rat here , and that rat is your Fiancée. You both made an agreement that you finish your education and get your masters degree ; and that's what you should do... Not for him but do this for you and your future. If he is throwing this ultimatum at you it obviously a control maneuver to scare you into bowing to his demands. Don't be allowing him to control you through intimidation , if you give in to this , it will fuel the fire of his controlling ways. I'm sure he misses you , but he can't be missing you any more than you miss him here. You are both working hard to have a future in very admirable fields to be certain , I'm sure you have been a lot of support to him over the years ; now it's his turn to support you as you were for him. The parents how ever are a different matter. I don't know any thing of your culture but if your mom is half white that tells me some where down the line someone else broke away from tradition and married outside of there own nationality.. Food for thought !!

    • Yes, I have been extremely supportive while he was in medical school. That's actually where we met but I dropped out. I helped him study for exams, always sent cards to wish him good luck... I did a lot and he knows it.

      Do you think I should break up with him? This was sort of out of character for him. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was really tired and working long hours.

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    • I should probably note that he has been acting a bit different lately. That is probably because he has pretty bad ADHD and recently went off his medication. He said that it made him slower when seeing patients and he wasn't as efficient. I know about ADHD... and I'm pretty sure this is why he is acting this way.

    • He was put on that med to keep him at an even keel and just because he is now a Dr in training doesn't give him the right to dictate his own med needs. This could adversely affect his rational decisions making abilities for his patients and his decisions with you

  • no man that says he loves would ever give an ultimatum and to go against his woman's family. If you go and leave behind your life as it is now against your family's views, you could destroy the strongest connection you have (FAMILY) . An especially with a controlling man that is pressuring you to against them.

    Bad news you are not with anybody who LOVES you. No man would do that to his woman.

    • I should clarify here. I don't really have a strong connection with my family because of belief differences. They are Muslim and I pretend to be b/c my dad said he will disown me if he ever found out I wasn't Muslim. My parents are giving me a hard time about my fiance. They like him as a person but cannot get over the fact that he is not Lebanese. They told me I am being selfish for wanting to be with somone non-Lebanese. They don't want me to see him unless he comes over the house so I have to sneak out to see him amd pretend I'm doing something like studying.

      I talked to my fiance about the ultimatum and he said he didn't mean it... but he loves me and wants us to live together. He said either one of us could die tomorrow and life is short so he doesn't want to spend any more time not living together. He is a medical resident who works the whole day and he said one of the only things that gives him some sort of happiness is knowing I'm in his life.

  • It would be really foolish on your part if u moved in with him, yr parents will probably disown u considering how they reacted to u just dating
    Why don't u guys get married and then yr parents won't really have much choice
    As for internship well look for it and see if u can find some
    Don't quit until u have a job

  • Regarding that you've been with him so long, I'd have expected him to be more supportive. Two things come to my mind.
    One, never leave your parents for any guy, ANY GUY.
    Two, its your life. I mean its your decision to spend with him. But honestly, there is so much more to do.
    And I strongly feel that the guy won't break up with you.
    Tell him you need him, but this is important to you and you need him to support you. Heck, if that doesn't work. We'll see.

  • Actually, if he is willing to support you then it is quite gentle of him and you should quite your job to be with him. Otherwise no it is not a good idea.

    • I'd be living in his place... which he would pay for but he never directly told me he would support me otherwise. My work pays for my school so if I stop working I'd have to pay about $5,000 more to finish my degree. He told me I could take out more student loans and that I already have money saved in the bank. He told me he thought the money I saved was for us to live together.

    • To be honest, this situation is helpless. You need to confront him. Tell him that you want to study and if he can pay for it then you are okay with moving in together with him.

  • Salam habibi, you always need to respect your parents. If he really loves you he will understand this and not pressure you

  • He's frustrated, I get that with how long you guys have been together. ... but if it's that easy for him to let you go instead of continuing to support you. ... you may just have to let him go. I say give him the letter, talk it out one last time since communication is key in every relationship and go on from there. You should talk to your parents, you need love and support from both fiancé and parents, not just you doing all the hard work trying to support your religion and your fiancé career. It's a big weight on your shoulder. So communicate to both of them about how you feel.

    • Yeah... the thing is Indon't really have support from my parents with the relationship. They would be happy if I broke up.

      He said he didn't want to break up with me that he was just putting pressure so I'd move in. He said he loves me and he just wants us to live together.

  • He sounds like a manipulator.


What Girls Said 4

  • Dude, you need to drop your parents and focus on your man. Your parents will love you not matter what but you are a grown woman!! Step up and find that internship near your future husband! If you're parents can accept your lover then that's their loss. It's the 21st century and they need to understand that we are living in a highly globalized world. You need to start living your own life and not theirs.

    • Yeah I know but I wanted to be respectful to my parents and give them a year to accept it. If not I planned to move on. It is very difficult in Arab culture because I am looked at as an extension of my parents. All major decisions I make need to get approved by them... I'm not independent even though I'm 31. I am going to see my fiance today... and of course I have to sneak to see him b/c my parents don't want me to see him unless he comes over our house. I don't know what to say to him. I wrote a letter but dont know if i should read it him

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    • My mom told me she needs time to accept it. That's why I think it may change in a year. But she also told me ahe may never be able to accept it. But I at least wanted to be respectful and give them a reasonable amount of time. A year seemed good to me and my fiance since thats when i graduate.

    • And I don't think my parents will love me. I'm secretly an ex-muslim. My dad recently told me if he ever finds out i'm not muslim he will disown me

  • If he is seriously trying to pressure you into quitting your job (which in turn means you lose your college which is what YOU busted your ass for) then he is far from worth it. Plain and simple. I can understand him wanting you down there and all but that is no reason to tell you that you HAVE to do as he says and uproot your entire life and what you have worked hard for, for him! Tell him he is being selfish in that sense. The whole parents thing though, they need to get over themselves. Religion or not. High standards or not. I hate when parents do this. You are 31. Time to cut the cord.

    • I talked to him the next day and he said he wasn't serious... he said it because he was worn down from work and didn't have a filter. If I quit my job I could still go to college. He doesn't want me to quit college... he wants me to finish my masters degree... he just wants me to finish it while living with him... which I could do if I lived with him since I can get an internship anywhere. My job is just nice b/c it pays for my school. He said he will wait for me to finish my degree but he isn't going to wait forever. I understand that he can't wait forever.

    • That is more understandable, definitely!

    • So I'm going to see him today and see what he wants. If he can't wait I will leave and let him find what he wants. I dont want to hold him back. Its been so hard and stressful for me dealing with my parents. It just hurt when he told me I wasn't putting in effort

  • I am afraid to tell you what to do in public. I will gladly open up splay my feelings if you message me and want it. I will say one thing now you are an emotional mess so is he.
    Neither of you are adults one can see themselves as a child and adult or parent you want to skip adult and become a parent. I don't mean have a child will be pregnant I mean psychologically. I will say nothing else unless we talk privately. I am afraid that you will be offended by what I say and the general audience around will agree that I'm rude or an asshole or just being too hard on you message me if you want real advice

  • So you were actually a Muslim but no longer now, why? because of him!

    • I you are not going to answer the question please don't comment. Not being a Muslim anymore has nothing to do with it. I left Islam years before I met my fiance. I used to pray 5 times a day from the age of 9 to 26. I read the entire quran. After going to college and learning basic critical thinking skills I read the quran again and realized it's ridiculous. It is not a religion of peace as the P. C. media likes to claim. It is very misogynistic and goes against today's standards of human and woman's rights. I could no longer believe in something clearly made up by some guy that has questionable morals and heard an angel speak to him in a cave claiming he was saying the word of god. Really? How crazy does that sound? If someone said that in today's world they would be put in a mental hospital.

    • First of all, I'm not even close to judging, I was simply asking the question, to know if he has a big sort of effect on you, that was it, I don't care if you're a Muslim or you even worship Satan, it's not my problem, period.
      According to your story, it's so complicated for you now to move and live with him, you should talk, like seriously, it's been 4 years and now, he just can't wait one damn year, while he's already almost all the time working in his shifts !!! sounds messed up enough to me
      It's a tough time you should choose whether you want to work it out or not, tho it looks absolutely fucked up, you already lost your family, you're just delaying the scene, what if you decide to get married you and him? your parents sooner or later are gonna find out you're not a Muslim, which is obviously a deal breaker for them, because you're actually scared enough to stand for what you think is right! because you know you'll lose your family then.

    • you just have to understand that sort of situation you're into, you can't win it all here, it's whether this or that, deal with it, make your choice, sounds like you don't have a stronger attachment to your family than to your boyfriend, so it's to me more like you've already made up your mind, you're just delaying the disaster or why would I call it that, should be pretty regular for you, I wouldn't know.

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