I Don't Think My Fiance Likes The Fact That My Ex Is Going To Be At Our Wedding?

My fiance hasn't said anything, but I can just tell. My ex's husband is going to be one of my groomsmen; so, this is kind of a problem. What can I do to ease the tension ?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Ouch. This is a toughie - I have the same situation, but from the other side, so I can see both perspectives on this one.

    The feelings your fiancee has will be mixed. On the one hand, she probably feels a bit insecure, and a bit jealous. On the other, the fact that she hasn't spoken out suggests that she loves you, she wants you to be happy, and that she knows that, at some level, her feelings may be a little irrational. That's a complex set of emotions, and she's probably wrestling a bit with them.

    There are two things that I think you need to do.

    Firstly, open up a space to discuss this when you're both calm and can take some time out to talk. Broach the subject by saying that you're concerned about her - that you sense her feelings on this issue aren't entirely positive - and that you want to reassure her. Stress - repeatedly and forcefully- that you love her and only want to be with her. Be careful not to equivocate or hesitate - one moment's pause (even if unintentional) will be remembered much longer than all the reassurance you can give. If you can come up with a few stories to explain why your ex was absolutely definitely not the woman for you, that will help tremendously! You may be surprised at how upset she is - give her time to vent if she needs it. Also, be prepared to make a trade. Clearly, your ex has to come to the wedding. Is there a favour you can grant your wife on the special day in return?

    Secondly, this is a situation that will require long-term management. It is always strange to hang out with someone who has been in a longterm relationship with your partner. The problem can persist for years. Even though I'm sure you're sensitive to her feelings (the fact that you've picked up on her discomfort suggests you're a pretty caring guy overall), there will be intimacies there that are difficult for her. The less you stress these when in her company (or that of your groomsman) the better. This may mean policing your language a bit. For instance 'we' statements that exclude your new girl for your old one (e.g. 'Remember when we went on holiday to the States five years ago') raise unnecessary questions in the mind of your partner. And avoid - like the plague - any comparisons between old and new girlfriends that work to the detriment of the latter.

    Also to be avoided is any suggestion that you are weighing your ex's feelings, or opinions, as more important than your fiancees, particularly if (as your message suggests) your current girlfriend is patient and wrestles with her feelings, while your ex is feisty. It's easy - and natural - in human interactions for the moodiest or the most forceful person to get their way, sometimes overriding the feelings of people who are more sensitive, but quieter. If your fiancee is that way, it's quite important that she feels that you are attentive to the small signs she will give.

    I'm sure that you can work your way through this. Good luck.

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    • I've known my fiance all my life, literally we grew up together. The problem is my fiancee knows to much about my life, I've dated a lot of girls, but this ex comming to my wedding was one of only two "I love you's;" the other "I love you" went to my ex-wife. So, this is not just some old ex. My fiancee also knows that she (my fiance) is THE GIRL; she knows there is no one I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. There are reasons she knows. I think she would feel silly talking about it.

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    • As for the barb thing - just make it clear to your partner that this is behaviour that you don't like or enjoy. Tell her exactly what you just told me about your ex's verbal diarrhea, and then tell her how much better life is with her, not having to deal with that all the time. She'll be prepared for Sara's behaviour when it happens, and she'll know what's going on in your mind.

    • The one question I don't want to ask is: "Are you ok with this?" That will make her defensive; I know it will. She knows she's the center of my world. I'd rather say "Todd and Sara are going skiing this weekend and they invited us to go do you feel like going?" She loves to ski so I can't see her saying no to that. What do you think? I hate to lie, and if she found out I lied, that I set the whole thing up. I pretty sure she'd be p*ssed. I don't really trust Sara's big mouth not to let it slip

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What Girls Said 1

  • let me get this straight, your groomsman's wife, happens to be your ex is going to be at the wedding?

    If I were you and I had to invite an ex, I would talk to my husband and asure him that he should be worried and I won't get any flashback moments when I see him

    and if it makes him feel any better ,than perhaps I should ask my ex to disappear in the wedding lol like barely even there!

    i don't know, I honestly think that your ex shouldnt go without You telling her not to..

    you can't tell her not to come and look rude.. at the same time its YOUR DAY and ofcourse the bride's day you shouldnt be worried about what's gunna happen or what might upset your wife to be!

    because we will act crazy about pretty much anything and this isn't a tiny little thing... some people mess up weddings and she shouldnt be insecured on that day! even if she trusts you and whatever... she need to be relaxed!

    you should talk to your Freind the groomsman!

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