Why can't I just decide whether or not I wanna let my ex go?

My ex and I have been an on and off couple since January of last year. Since then, we've broken up three times, and every time, he broke up with me. Most recently we broke up at the end of this January. He was my first EVERYTHING, including first love. The other two times we broke up, we were able to stay friends, but I know it wasn't easy for me. Every girl he talks to, it hurts me even more, and it's painful to think of him being with others girls.

I told him a few days before we broke up this last time {cause I was expecting it} that if we did break up, I was going to stop talking to him cause it would be too hard to be his friend, but that never happened. Since then, we've had arguments, all because of how hurt I am, and each time I told him that it's not a good idea for us to be friends at this time. But every time I tell him that, he manages to pull me back in saying how he'd rather have me in his life, than to never speak to me again, and I honestly think that would hurt him.

But it's hurting me as well to see him moving on, when I'm still hurt.

My head feels that dropping contact would be the smart thing to do, but my heart absolutely won't let me. And in some way, I don't want to let go.

I'm absolutely torn between this situation and heartbroken.

What should I do?
Why can't I just decide whether or not I wanna let my ex go?
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