We had some falling outs- moments I was led to believe he was chasing other chicks when he promised we would be exclusive sexually. Anyways, he begged for me to trust him. We haven't spoken for over a week but we are on normal terms and plan to see each other again.
However, it has been a few weeks since we have seen each other and now my head feels clear. I guess I caught feelings? Im trying to rationalize why I can't stop thinking of him and why he is the first guy ever I've gone so stupid for. For some reason I can't say goodbye. When I met him, I was on top of my game- a 10/10. Then he came & knocked me down. I don't find myself attractive anymore; nothing looks good. I don't believe in love anymore. I feel like a shadow of who I used to be.
When he and I met, it was the first time I felt young and free in a while. He lived in the nearby large city. I fell in love with the city, the lights at night mesmerized me. I felt on top of the world when I would drive to his apartment in the heart of the city. The ride home was glorious. After great sex, the city lights, the music blasting in my car, going 80/90 and weaving around cars. I fell in love with it all, and I associated it all with him, including myself at that moment. Now, I'm closing what I have with him, and I feel like I'm saying goodbye to those months as well, and the person I was. Why do I feel like I'm cutting out a huge chunk of myself when he and I only shared a few moments in his room? I mean, he also was with me in my thoughts when we weren't together. My fantasies of him beautified my life as well. I just want to get that high back, but the only way I see it is to go back to him. Someone point me in the right direction?