He broke up with me saying that he never really loved me?

We've been together for 4 years. We hit it off pretty fast and for me, the relationship seemed perfect for the entire time. He seemed very in love with me from the start. He was so good and secure and I let him in. He made damn sure I fully give myself in (even with huge trust issues due to past failed relationships). So I did. I loved him. He was never the most romantic guy in thw world, but he said himself that that's just his nature and that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. He would tell me every day how he loves me. And then after 4 years, one day he just shocks me with the breakup, saying that he never really loved me or was in love. That he thinks he incapable of that feeling towards anyone. That he never loved anyone, that he cares about things more then he cares about people. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He apolagized that he wasn't honest from the start and that it took him this long to realize he is not made for love and relationship. I am torn apart. It was so hard for me to get rid of trust issue, and now I'm at square 1. It was all a lie. Why do people do this? How am I ever gonna trust again? How do I get through this? Please help!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Please don't take this as a derogatory comment, but have you considered counseling?
    When it comes to love and relationships, there is no guarantee, I know because I've found out the hard way many different times.
    At 41 years old I've come to the conclusion that if you want to have a relationship, you have to give every new person a chance as if though it was your first... if they betray you you have to just kind of realize that they are the fucked-up ones not you... the get out of your head that everyone is the same because it's just not true.
    The reason I keep keeping on is because I'm not done living... I love to love and be loved.
    If I just kept myself in a little protective bubble I wouldn't truly be experiencing life now would I?
    Relationships come and relationships go... The key is enjoying it while it lasts... And perhaps one day you will find someone in which will last for the rest of your life... But until then don't worry about them or what you fear they may or may not do, all you have to do is worry about yourself.
    I understand your sentiments, I truly do as I have had them myself... But it's some point you have to realize that in order to be free you have to let yourself go of fear.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I have been in your place 3 times. My first boyfriend told me he loved me, convinced me so i fell in love with him, but he later admitted he never loved me and I was just something to pass the time. My second ex said he loved me, but one day he got crazy jealous that I was making friends with another guy even he was like, 50 and i was 17 he broke up with me and I never heard from him again. My third ex said he did love me but not like, "in love with me" just a different kind. I try to remain positive that maybe one day i can trust and find a guy who loves me and actually means it. My heart has been broken too many times. I'm fucking sick of it. The only advice i can give you, is just to stay positive and hope for the best, not all guys are bad but it's really hard trying to find the good ones. That's what I'm doing. Shitty advice I know.

    • No it's not shitty, you are right. The thing is that guys will say anything and act anyhow just to get what is convenient for them. If they say they don't love you or don't feel the same, they know you're gonna dump them and then they won't have free sex anymore. They lie a lot.

    • Well, I didn't have sex with them. I'm a virgin. But not all men are liars, well I try telling myself that. I want to believe it's not true. But remember, it's better to remain positive than bitter.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • # Step 1
    The first thing I do is embracing I cannot switch off my feelings for her like a switch light. Recognising my inability to effect a desirable change is itself relieving.

    # Step 2
    I feel the hurtful feelings of breaking up rather than diverting attention from them. It doesn't matter if it takes a day, week or month. Diverting focus from the hurtful feelings only decelerate the recovery process.

    # Step 3
    I accept she is no longer with me, instead of nursing hope and fighting for her to come back. This is the biggest mistake I made in my first breakup. It only heightens the pain and prolongs the recovery process.

    # Step 4
    I focus on the good memories she brought to my life, and on things I would have loved to experience with her. This shifts my mind from hurtful to positive emotions. The mistake I made with my first breakup is I focused on her frailties to convince myself she wasn't beautiful enough. I was merely lying to myself because if she wasn't good enough I won't have been with her in the first place.

    # Step 5
    I remove items (e. g. clothes, cosmetics, pictures, etc.) that I associate with her. I also block and delete all her phone number, email address and other forms of communication like whatsapp, etc., including the contacts of some of her friends.

    # Step 6
    While carrying out the above five steps I engage quite a lot in activities, such as meditation, running, gym and strolling in the woods and park. I set important activities to do daily, and focus on completing them.

    # Step 7
    I draw inspiration from my first breakup. I flash my mind back and challenge my behaviours and thoughts. My world didn't crumble. I dated beautiful girls after that. I then flash my mind back to current breakup. It then suddenly changes my perspective, confidence and mood. It's like telling myself I have been through this before, and came out stronger 6 to 12 months after the breakup.


What Girls Said 4

  • I once dated a guy who broke up with me because he wanted to go fight in Syria against terrorists. They all have their excuses. But I'll give you my opinion on this guy's.
    He is obviously troubled, broken. I bet he warned you he was, didn't he? He told you he was a worn out soul who has a hard time trusting other people because they always hurt him. And now he's hurt you.
    What he has done is established a "it's not you, it's me" excuse to make it easier for you to deal with the pain that he just slapped all over you. He is taking the blame to ease your feelings. At least he's done that much for you! So I don't buy it. He says he cares more about things than people? Naw. Cause if he did he wouldn't have put himself on the line to take the blame in the first place. "Look, I'm the asshole. I never loved you." That's bullshit. You don't waste four years on someone you don't love. But his love is irrelevant. He wanted away from the relationship for some reason or another, and he's beating himself up over it. It truly seems to me that he's having just as tough a time dealing with the fact that he's breaking up with you as you are.
    Have compassion for both of you. You for the time to come. I know, I'm dealing with a shock of a break up that I didn't see coming, but mine's a divorce. Just because we don't want a break up doesn't mean we don't need it. Because if you guys were supposed to be together, you would be together. Period. Move on. Be kind to yourself, he won't. Love yourself, he has refused to. And feel sorry for the guy. Kind of reminds me of a guy I saw on tv who has sex with his car. I don't know.

  • he was probably detached from his parents... im the same way except i wouldn't be with someone i don't love to begin with... its the reason why i'm single... i only loved once and that was the last time i ever loved

  • Love never comes with a guarantee. No one can guarantee they will love you forever and never hurt you. Love can come with a great price, it's a risk everyone takes. You just have to decide who is worth that risk and who isn't.

    He probably did love you , but sometimes when people grow as a person they change, their feelings change so they just grow apart from you. No one can "fake" loving someone for 4 years. You would have sensed he didn't really love you, and his actions would have proven he didn't really love you. So the feelings he did have would have been REAL at the time. It seems that gradually over time he fell out of love with you.

    Four years is a long time to love someone , so it won't be easy getting through the pain of your break-up. You will just have to be patient with your heart, because sometimes your head accepts things , but your heart still holds on. It seems he is indecisive about what he wants and feels right now.

  • Doesn't sound like it had anything to do with you as a person. He kind of sounds like my boyfriend. He's told me several times he has never loved anyone and never wants to get married. He values money a lot, even though he never spends it on anything. The only difference is my boyfriend told me this at the start of our relationship last year, not 4 years into it. I'm sure he cares about you on some level but he's just not ready for a relationship. It sucks and it hurts and the tears that fall from your eyes will feel never ending but you should be glad you know now. At least you didn't marry this guy. You shouldn't be overly mad at him, but I understand the disappointment and heartbreak. He cares about you though because if he didn't, he'd never tell you and definitely would not have apologized.


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