Do I forgive him?

My boyfriend of 2 years told me he slept with his ex wife on three separate occasions within our two months of dating. He said he stopped it all when "he knew it was serious with me". He wanted to come clean now because he wants to be honest, since "he wants to spend the rest of his life with me" do I forgive him


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Most Helpful Girl

  • This, I think, is a particularly fuzzy situation. Like others have said, this happened two years ago. He didn't have to tell you, but he did. I mean... if he had never told you, things between you would be exactly the same. I think that the fact he did tell you is impressive and says something about his level of commitment to you. Obviously he was feeling guilty about his actions of two years ago, and despite the fact that you two were happy, he felt guilty enough that he needed to tell you, even if it meant an unhappy time in your relationship.

    I'm not sure how I would feel were I in your shoes. Your boyfriend is probably/possibly a very different person than what he was two years ago. Only you know what he is really like, I can only guess, but I would say that this is not something that should ruin your relationship!

    An ex-wife is a different situation from an ex-girlfriend I think. Two people vowing to spend the rest of their lives together, share the same name, etc... and I'm sure that divorce, even if both parties were unhappy with the other, is extremely hard and emotional. Even if you no longer love the person, they've still been a huge part of your life for many years. I'm not saying it's right, but I think that his actions are somewhat understandable. If you two were casual for those first few months... obviously cheating is wrong, but very situation is different!

    It's really up to you to decide what to do, but personally I don't think you should let something that happened 2 years ago dictate how you live your life now. I don't think you need to do things to "make him prove himself" especially if he only did it during those first two months. Discuss it, forgive, and move past it. It does NO good to linger in the past because we can do nothing to change it, no matter how hard we may want to!

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What Guys Said 6

  • If his honesty was unprovoked, then I think it's sincere. If he just came out and told you about his ex-wife encounters without any questions from you, then I think it's legit. If it did happen early in your relationship and now later on he's telling you all the secrets, chances are he wants to develop complete trust with you. I applaud him for coming clean if that is in fact the whole truth.

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  • So you have been dating for 24 months, and he hasn't done this in the past 22 months? I think that one of the people responding didn't get the timeline right...

    I guess only you know what the relationship was like for the two of you in those first two months.

    It doesn't sound that unusual to me, if he was just ending the relationship with her, and the relationship with you started off casually. I'm not saying it was right for him to act like he did, but it sounds like the type of thing that can be forgiven.

    I think it is more important that he hasn't done anything like that in the last 22 months, and that he felt it was good to be honest with you about what happened previously.

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    • I AGREE.... It would be VERY different, if I were in the RECENT two months.. & Not that I promote it, but sex is sex is sex- does not mean much in itself... He recognized the value in your relationship... They say it is GOOD for people to admit it,cause it mans they really don't want to do t again.

      I don't know your situation, but I would most likely be like " Ok, but if there IS a next time, that will be OUR last- & I'm not going to be mad, no debate, no argument I'll just leave. :-)

  • yes of course at least at starting you have to trust on him. But how long it totally depends on u. becoz girls are very emotional. so tell him ur concern. and make yourself very strong it happend now it can happen next time. and always make him feel that next time if it happens he would hv to pay for that. be strong start new life take him on love. I wish ur life would be full happiness.

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  • I'd definitely say forgive him if it never progressed past that point, cheating is wrong, but him fixing it early in your relationship and noticing that what he has with you is really what he wants then I'd say he turned out pretty damn well. I'd forgive him, but keep an eye out for a little while.

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    • My question is (and I need a man's perspective on this), why tell me, he could have kept it from me. I am glad now that he can be honest, but I guess I am over anaylzing things. Thanks for your your comment.

    • He told you because he wanted a full blown truthful and faithful marriage, plus, it was probably eating away at him. I know it did me....i just kissed a girl though and it was in first month of dating.

  • I say work it out...at least he's being honest BEFORE you get married. My girl never told me and lied about it and had to find out myself right after the wedding days later. He's being honest and it may hurt to know what happened, but he's comin clean with you so don't beat him up to bad over it.

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  • He did it early on. I think you should forgive him. he's been a good boy for 22 months ha

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What Girls Said 12

  • how serious can he be if he's sleeping with other women? honestly that's a question to ask yourself.

    if you guys had decided it was serious from the start, then no way is this acceptable behavior.

    even though I am a serious person in regards to relationships, if I were theoretically casual at the beginning, I'd still be p*ssed he lied to me about this.

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  • the first 2 months don't count. how often did you even see each other in those 2 months?

    just because you've had 4-5 dates with someone, does that mean you're exclusive and turning dates down from other people?

    besides, it was his ex-wife, not some random chick. they were obviously sleeping together still before you and him went out at all. he didn't know the two of you would last. and I don't think the two of you even had sex in those first couple of months. she was just someone he knew and could get sex with. well, obviously a bit more than that, but all in all.

    there is nothing to forgive. if he'd done it midway through your relationship at a point at which it was serious, or if he hadn't stopped doing it, then it would be a very different situation.

    he clearly loves you, wants to be with you, and is completely serious about you. I don't believe the always honest approach is best, but on the other hand imagine the 2 of you marry and you hear off someone else, especially from the ex-wife, about those first couple of months. better from him.

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  • The pieces that concern me are that he slept with his ex more than once and his lame excuse. First of all, he is involved with you and has been for 2 years. Unless it was understood that you two were "dating" during this 2 year period and were not exclusive. However, I would think that after dating for 2 years that the relationship would be deemed exclusive already. Moreover, his excuse is a pure cop out in my opinion. I think he was afraid he would get caught or he developed a guilty conscience and told you.

    It's one thing to make a mistake, regret it, be remorseful and NEVER do it again. He did it 3 times. Personally, when someone violates my trust then it's over. I will never trust him/her again and it cannot be earned back. To me, cheating is the worst form of betrayal next to lying. I would terminate the relationship is he was my bf.

    I cannot tell you what to do because this has to be your decision alone. Good luck.

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  • Don't forgive him. It wasn't just a one time mistake, you said he confessed about three seperate occasionsall with the same woman(ex-wife). I can see him making one mistake, which is forgiveable in some circumstances, but he has fully broken the trust. It also isn't just another woman he is cheating on you with, he's cheating on you with his ex-wiffe, which means that they still have feelings towards each other either physically or emotionally, or which I think...both. You need to be with someone who is faithful to you. You deserve that repsect. To cheat on someone you love is despicable and to me, unforgiveable. I wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right choice! There are so many other people out there that could treat you well.

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  • i have a problem with this. first of all, there are some things we just don't need to know that no good can come of (exes should stay in the past both in action and words). second, if he thought it was ok at the time to be sleeping with other women while sleeping with you, then why does he need to come clean? why? because he knew it was wrong when he was doing it.

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  • No. Move on. You're lucky to find out that he's like this before you got too involved. He did you a favor. Take it and move on.

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  • Personally, I would appreciate his honesty. It was within the first 2 months of dating...and that was almost 2 years ago! He didn't need to tell you, and he did. Frankly, I'm impressed...and I do have high standards.

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  • yes... forgive him..

    that was a marriage, it was obviously going to be very hard for him?

    no it doesn't make it right.

    and the fact that he has come clean now shows that if it does happen again in the future you can trust him enough to tell you?maybe?

    only you can decide whether your love is strong enough to get past it

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  • If he does it once he'll do it again, believe me. Also, if his ex-wife agreed to have sex with him, obviously she still has feelings for him. You don't want the crazy ex wife sneaking around wanting him.

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  • hunni, once a cheater always a cheater. obviously he still has feelings wiht his ex-wife. and he isn't doing what he needs to be doing in order to be with you. I mean once shame on him, move on. but three times is completely outrageous!

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  • well...i don't know if you can be totally sure that he won't ever sleep with someone else again while he's with you..

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  • um idk. I can't make that decision for you but I do know if you choose to forgive him you cannot let it be easy for him. break up with him and get back together at a later date if you dont. trust me, if you forgive a guy very easily he won't learn from it. all he'll learn is that you are either desperate to keep him or you have a huge tolerable heart. there will be no consequence for him NOT to do it again if he is ever in that situation.

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