Help.. I slept with the man I was having an affair with again and now everything is very complicated?

I had sex with an ex boyfriend but it's a lot more complicated than that. I am married, he is going through a divorce. We were having an affair for the whole time both of us have been married and before. Our relationship has been on and off for 8 years. Last October I ended the affair because it got very serious, both of us were talking about leaving our partners for each other. The guilt of doing this became overwhelming and I ended the relationship with him. I broke his heart and he took it very hard. We cut all contact until recently when we have been speaking as friends. I genuinely believed that he had no feelings for me but I still have very strong feelings for him. I met up with his today and we couldn't keep our eyes off each other, we kissed and this led to sex. He had said repeatedly that having sex would complicate everything and he was scared of it escalating further. He wants space to figure out what he wants but I know space will end up with him cutting all ties again and I really don't want this. We go around in circles but always end up back together. I am still madly in love with him and would leave my husband for him now, not that he knows this. I have lost him once and I really don't want to lose him again. He is my soul mate. I really don't know what to do.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I really don't know what to say, it really seems that you love him a lot, and your love for him hasn't faded away even a bit, it's strong even today.

    I don't understand if you love this guy so much, if you two are soulmates then why you both didn't get married to one another?, I mean why get married to different partners whom you both don't love and then have an affair behind their backs?

    It doesn't make sense.

    However the truth is that you are married and you are not doing any justice to your husband by having an affair with this guy.

    What you can do now is, you both ( you and the guy having affair) should talk to one another and be clear as to what you want and how you see things going in future.

    It's clear that you love him and you also said that you would leave your husband to be with him, so from your end you seem to be clear, but then what about him? does he also love you the same way and does he want to be with you?

    If he also feels the same way as you and wants to be with you, then you should really take divorce, end your marriage and then do whatever you want to do. There is no point in being in an unhappy marriage and then having an affair behind his back, that only puts you in a poor light. Don't do that, come out of that marriage.

    However before you do anything, talk to the guy and make sure he also wants the same as to what you want and that he also loves you.

    That's all I can say.

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    • There was never a right time, he had just started a new relationship and didn't want to leave her and vice versa with me. Both of us carried on with our partners because that's what we thought was the right thing and repeatedly trying to end it knowing full well what we were doing was wrong. By the time we were both married we realised we had made a big mistake and should have been truthful. I called it off because of the guilt but have still been madly in love with him since then. No matter how hard I try and no matter how wrong this is I seem to not be able to let go. I hate what I'm doing but I'm also living a lie.

    • Thanks for the MHO

What Guys Said 10

  • Anon, you DO know what to do, it's just that what you have to do is painful and gut-wrenching.

    I'm talking about ending your marriage which is up there with death of a family member and imprisonment on the stress scale!

    Still, if your main worry is breaking your hubby's heart, don't worry so much about that. People get into relationships all the time when they are a mismatched pair (including me). When that happens, you either cheat or just suffer in silence (or just self medicate in some way).

    So, knowing that ending the marriage will allow your husband to find his soulmate (because it's not you, obviously), you should feel a little better in letting him go.

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  • Why did you marry guy #2? How old were you when you got married?

    Women who get married before they are about 27 have high divorce rates, and those who marry before about 21 have super high divorce rates.

    You talked about your feelings for this guy, but not for your husband. It is one thing to want to stay with your husband for what you have together, but not getting everything you need from the relationship and so have another guy. But that is not what it seems like you are saying.

    You are going to get a divorce sooner or later, so you might as well do it now.

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    • I was 23 so yes, quite young

  • Relationships, to some people its all black and white but as you have discovered it really isn't.

    You must do what you believe will make YOU happy. You cannot be responsible for the happiness or heartache of others. You have made mistakes in life because you are human.

    The future is unknown it may get worse before it gets better but you must realise that you cannot continue to live your current life.

    Good luck in seeking happiness.

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  • Hello, scumbag Ross and Rachel!

    I feel really sorry for your husband and your lover's wife. If only they knew what you two were up to... you two are disgusting cheaters and your soon-to-be ex-spouses deserve better than you two cheating losers.

    Maybe you and your crummy lover are really meant for each other. Scum for scum.

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  • You're doomed

    Shit won't work out in your marriage, and it definitely won't work out if you get together with your ex

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  • No advice for your typle at aT all. Leave your husbend so he can find a girl who truly loves him and not someone using him for a place to stay while he works hard n she ducks around

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  • It's amazing how scandalous some bitches are. What the fuck is wrong with you?

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  • You're creating and you're going to break many families by doing it.

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  • Tell your husband he deserves to know, and he needs to tell his wife for the same reason.

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  • Someone might lose their life. 8 years? 8 MF YEARS? you've killed someone even if someone doesn't literally die figuratively you and this guy have murdered 2 people. Do you have kids? Does he? if he does you've killed their father, if you do you're definitely not the same person to them after this. The two of you just murdered two families and left irreplaceable scarring for what? YOUR "SOUL MATE"? Do you have friends? how'd they let you do this? DO NOT try and cop out of this you did what you did too late to turn back. YOU killed them

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    • No children. Friends don't know about this either

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    • Yes I do, but I've found it very hard to be with him at times due to domestic violence and him being in the military

    • If he's been violent to you, this isn't a dilemma. Leave him and get moving with the man you clearly love.

What Girls Said 9

  • Sounds like it's decision time. If this guy is truly your soulmate, you owe it to your husband and yourself to be honest and tell him how you feel about this guy. While you can't help who you love, you can certainly hurt others in the process of trying to hide it. You've gotta choose! Good luck!!!

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  • Its time to tell the truth to yourself and thoes involved. You can't ignore the fact that you cheated on your husband and you love this guy who is confused. I think you should just tell your husband. NO ONE LIKES CHEATERS!

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  • Tell him. And leave your husband, your deliberately leading him on and hurting him which is making things more complicated

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  • Hmm you should have an open marriage. 3 in bed could be a bit crowded.

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  • All I can say is good luck, this sounds incredibly complicated and I hope you both have no regrets whatever you decide.

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  • Let it go.. iv learned if they will cheat with you.. they will cheat on you. its so true dont fall in this trap. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I pray you ask God for his direction.

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    • She cheated too, she's as shitty as the guy... -_-

    • @AleDeEurope its clearly a complicated relationship though!

    • im not judging you whatsoever trust me i know what you feeling with the cheating thing iv been in the situation to inbox me if u ever need to talk

  • If you're both getting divorced why not start a real relationship.

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  • tell him how much you love him. Before its too late

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    • And if he doesn't reciprocate?

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    • How long are you recommending? It's consuming my life again, I can't stop thinking about it and don't want to feel like this. He messaged me last night saying he needs space to "let the dust settle and figure it all out" but also said he didn't want to lose me.

    • Personally im taking a few days to decide how im going to approach this dead period with my boyfriend before i try to get him back which will recieve my undivided attention for some 8 months. as stressful and draining as it may be.. I feel its something worth seeing through at least. .. even if i get no response or come accross full on stocker with letters n stuff etc lol. Im personally all heart and all in when i love a man. but one thing i do do about relationships is theyre far from black and white so not giving the relationship enough time, seeing every dead end out, or not being involved.. etc can demolish the relationship for no reason. Honestly itd be ignorant for me to give you advice as i dont know Your relationship and itd be ablivious and unwise for you to take any advice. But good luck anyways hope you find what you seek in him.

  • But I know what you should do.

    You should tell your husband that you are a disgusting cheater and watch him leave you. If he doesn't leave you then you leave him. After that you tell your disgusting cheater ex boyfriend that you want him back for real now and hope he says he does too. After this you spend the rest of your life with the disgusting cheater because you two deserve each other. Don't have kids though, we don't need more disgusting cheaters in this world.

    If your disgusting cheater ex says he doesn't want you for real then you just keep on being his toy and stay far away from monogamous relationships for the rest of your life because you clearly can't handle it. Unless it's with another person who has cheated before of course, because yeah then you deserve each other too.

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    • (CHANTING) MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO MHO!!!

    • She said that her husband has been abusive in a previous comment.

    • @Jackblue every girl claims that during a rough patch of a relationship

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