My Girlfriend hanging out with the EX?

I've been dating the woman of my dreams for a year, and recently met the ex who I knew she hung out with on occasion alone but was doing everything I could to not be the jealous type.

They'd broken up 2 years before I met her, and only talked on a few occasions over the phone after there breakup until she had been dating me for 3 months. Usually it was a "don't call me drunk" style conversation

When we finally met, it was obvious that he was going through something realizing I was a real person and he wasn't getting her back. I'd known for the longest time he still wanted to be with her - the pet names I'd hear over the phone, the texts I'd see on accident. She continually says she'd never be with him again, and leaves his place if he even makes the slightest move. Right before I demanded to meet him he used the classic "He doesn't do X thing as good as I do" line.

My Girlfriend says this is someone important to her as a friend, and that she can "see the good parts in him" now that she's out and distant of the awful overly controlling relationship they had. I don't have a fear of losing her, I don't suspect her of cheating, but It defintely bothers me that she's hanging out with someone who would jump on the slightest chance to get her back for even one night. I've expressed this to her, and basically I'm left in a situation where I can't see through the wall's of his apartment when there alone for a couple of hours and have to just go on blind faith.

My real questions are - How should I treat this guy? I know he doesn't like me, and I sure don't like him. And, Am I being to lax with with my relationship? I feel evil demanding that she can't see a specific person, but in the other hand I feel like that friendship is an affront to my relationship.

I suppose she can see, and I can't for lack of presence, the steps that she claim's he's taking that show his honest interest in just a friendship. That he is letting go. Meeting me was probably a ton of nails in that coffin. Thoughts?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Honestly, I think you're being WAY too passive about this. A relationship is based on mutual respect. Unless there are children involved, there should be no initial contacts (with the exception of friendly e-mails and Facebbok) between these two. Your girlfriend is sending him mixed signals (hanging out, and home visits). Why wouldn't he think he had a shot at a reconciliation. HELLO! Put yourself in his position. Wouldn't you? Being on amicable terms with him just to pacify your girlfriend is just plain absurd. Why be pretentious. F$^K him! His intentions are not purely genuine, so why put up a facade? Tell her that you're not comfortable with their pseudo-friendship, friends with benefits or whatever they want to call themselves.It's OK to put your foot down, especially when you're highly perceptive to his bull&*t! Tell her to cut him off...NOW! Or you will be left standing ALONE with a broken heart feeling like an @ss!

    • Thanks for letting me know I'm being too passive, most people just tell it like it is.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I commend you on being mature about the situation because most men would flip out, but as a woman I've been in your girlfriends shoes and it ain't easy, when your into the person your with but yet your past still wants you back its very hard, well first you need to know how and why thing ended, and from my experience when the Ex is still around that's not a good sign no matter what, unless they have a child together, for me I kept my ex around because I knew he was the only man who had my back 100% with no questions asked so it was a sense of comfort, but in the end feeling do arise even if it for one night, because you trust her that a good, I would never see befriend her Ex because you know his hidden agenda so lets not be fake, but just keep and open eye out, because the day you slip up he will be right the waiting.

    • Thanks for the post, really helped.

      Their relationship was about 8-9 months long and ended on such extremely harsh terms that I don't think she is going "back" to him in these visits. Supposedly the two had stopped having any "intimate" scenarios long before they broke up and that my girlfriend practically ran away and sheltered herself from the world after this guy. I'm starting to realize that it may just be a lose end in her life, and traumatic moment she wants a hold over

What Guys Said 1

  • I've kinda been in this situation before as the other dude. However, I'm a nice guy who respects another persons wishes. My friend and I used to be FWB and her boyfriend knows this. He hates the fact that she even talks to me. When her and I do hang out, there are times I just feel like pinning her up against the wall and going at it, because that's how we used to be. Old feelings come back, and she has admitted to me, that there were times that if I would have made a move she might have gave in. She hasn't physically cheated on him, and emotionally I have no idea, because I am sure she doesn't tell me everything. But remember I am a guy who will respect her relationship, I don't think this guy is. and if she goes over to hang out with him on ocassion, whether it is a few times a week, or always on a certain day. I would bet there is something going on. I know you don't want to put your foot down and not "control" her life. But in this case if she can't respect your feelings then that is some major bullsh*t. Don't demand her to quit seeing him, but tell her to put herself in your shoes. How would she feel if you were to go over to one of your exs house who is open about wanting to get back with you, and you and her were to hang out for a few hours a night just the two of you. Where cheating is easily possible. If she is okay with that, then I personally think you're woman isn't being faithful for you, and doesn't care if you do things with another girl because she is already doing things with another guy. and if she gets upset, but still expects to hang out with that same guy. then it is pretty clear she is holding you to a double standard, and a high chance of cheating on you...

    Now if she was to stop and say okay, I understand this is upsetting you and I wouldn't want you to do that to me. then alright, but still be careful...

    • Yea Man, I hear you.

      The day I posted this I did have a serious confrontation with her over it. She says she totally sees it from my perspective but its not like that at all. It's not that I don't believe her - its just after the confrontation I'm just in a "Ok, I'm still in the same spot - she just knows I haven't been happy about this, and knows what she stands to lose"

    • And yet she is still doing this? if so then she obviously doesn't care if you leave her. and if that is the case man, dump her asap. you deserve a sh*t load better than this girl

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