What's the best way to break up with a girl without getting hit by the backblast?

There's a bit in Sex and the City where Carrie gets broken up with on a post-it note.

Harsh, but as long as he doesn't see her again EVER he managed to avoid all the emotional ickiness that goes along with breaking up.

How else can you give someone the big E(lbow) without having to face unpleasantness?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well this is coming from a girl's point of view so I'm guessing I might be a little different here...

    I think that's really cowardly of you. If you're going to get into a relationship, you ought to realise that it comes with the responsibility of accepting a breakup honourably should she decide she doesn't want you anymore, and also of conducting a breakup honourably if you decide you don't want her anymore. To try to break up with someone without 'having to face the emotional ickiness' is childish. Obviously you don't care about how she would feel - which says you're not ready to be in a relationship in the first place.

    Also consider the fact that any decent girl would respect you more for having done it the proper way, and is therefore much less likely to 'backblast' you than if you did something immature like breaking up via post-it notes. Do that and you're likely to be faced with a girl so angry at you for not even respecting her enough to do it face to face, that she'll get you back. Do it properly and you'll have given her the closure she needs and shown yourself to be firm in your decision and she may just leave you alone like you want.

    Offer to meet up at her place and allow an hour. You don't need to tell her that necessarily but don't be too enthusiastic about it either. Just say you'd like to come over if that's okay. Then you can sit her down, explain that you're just not feeling it for her anymore and it's not working. It'd be mean to draw it out any longer or string her along so you've decided to end it. Don't offer to be friends if you don't want to, just leave it at that. Say you're sorry it's had to come to this but that's the decision you've made and you can't try to convince yourself otherwise. Be calm and firm, give her a moment, don't give her any 'reasons' for why you've broken up because she's likely to give you ways that she can fix them (for example, 'you never let me watch the football' is likely to be met with 'I'll let you watch it from now on' etc) just keep it at 'it's not working.' Don't kiss her, don't hug her, put a hand on her shoulder at most or just keep your distance. If she's not asking you any more questions, say you hope she can find someone better suited to her, say goodbye and leave. If she gets angry at you then repeat that it's the decision you've made and you're going to stick with it, say you hope she can find someone better suited to her, say goodbye and leave.

    She's then in her own home and able to do what she needs to get over it, and you're free to do what you want. This way you've dealt with the emotional ickiness but it hasn't taken much time. It's an hour of your life compared with a lot of trouble you'd have had to go to in trying to avoid her later if you'd done it another way, plus you may even get a bad reputation among girls who know her as opposed to doing it respectfully.

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    • Thanks for your thoughts. You've obviously considered this and written sincerely and from the heart. I shall remember it and follow your advice if/when the occasion arises in the future.

      Now let me add that I'm not actually seeing anyone at the moment and that if I was I certainly wouldn't dream of breaking up with them by post-it note (alright - I might think about it but I wouldn't actually do it).

      And for the record, that episode of Sex and the City is absolutely hilarious.

    • Ha yeah I saw your comment below, I know you're single. But really, I think most girls would respect you more and probably hit back less if you did it properly. Just my thoughts =]

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What Girls Said 7

  • my thinking is to at least be upfront with the person and have the balls to tell them its not working anymore. I was broken up with once by the guy just not taking my phone calls anymore and he stopped calling me...just poofed off the face of the earth. This was a 1 year relationship, too, it wasn't like we just started dating. I'd have rather had him tell me than take the cowards way out.

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  • I don't know man. Be too nice and you'll be entrapped. Be too mean and you're an a**hole... disappear and you're a coward... Well you should know what works best knowing the "victim". I just want to point out that no-one here mentioned a "progressive breakup", that would be slowly spacing visits, etc...

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  • My ex brokeup with me by text after a year together. It was out of the blue too. Its an absolute joke to do that to someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you? If you do it, be prepared to face the consequences.

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  • There is no such thing. One way or another, break-ups are messy because someone is feeling rejected. But, guess what, done right, it should only last a half an hour or less. I say that because I do not believe in apologizing or justifying myself. I do believe in having compassion for someone and telling them gently but firmly. I also am fine with giving an explanation of sorts, but my explanation will run across the lines of "We are not a good match. You are a great person, but this is not working for me.". I realize the other person will probably be shocked, ask what went wrong, what to know if they can change to keep you together, etc., but if you stay calm and compassionate and tell them, no, this is not working for you, there isn't much for them to continue to say. Let them cry a bit and have a say, but at some point you need to give them a hug and let them know it is time for you to go.

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  • Theres a few options:

    Either be completely honest and tell her that you cared but you just want to be single.

    or

    Lie and tell her your gay or something ridiculous then leave right after.

    or

    go on vacation with her, purposely start a fight, then say "I'm Done" give her a ticket and you both go home and live seperate lives.

    or

    do it over the phone.

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  • Just don't break up with someone like my boyfriend broke up with me. It was completely random and he held me and cried during the break up. it's been a week and he still tells me he misses me and that it's nice to see me (he's my manager at work) and a bunch of other stuff. That's the worse when a guy keeps the girl hanging on a string and not know what he wants.

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  • Man up.

    If you can date someone, you can at least give them the proper respect and break up with them in person. Unless someone is abusive and you fear for your safety there is no valid reason not to break up face to face unless you are a coward.

    Breaking up isn't pretty but it comes with the territory of being in a relationship.

    It may not be pleasant for you, but think about how that other person feels when they are dumped in such a cold way.

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What Guys Said 9

  • People will disagree, but I see nothing wrong with sending someone an e mail message. It depends of course on how long the realtionship was...certainly if you were formally engaged, you can't do that!

    But for most 'casual' relationships, why insist on an emotional personal confrontation? What good does that do? A message sent through a friend, or a brief handwritten note, is better imao.

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  • There is none. You man up and take it.

    There's a term for men who avoid emotional ickiness: cowards.

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  • just be up front is my vote. before you tell her (and she'll probably get concerned when you start talking to her) but just explain that you want to be as civil about it as possible, but that you think you two should split. *BE SURE* that if she starts getting irate to maintain your composure. no need to be immature about it all, just keep your bearing and calmly explain your reasons (if she asks for them, if not then no need). If you know that you did everything you could to be peaceful about it, then you won't feel bad at all knowing that she went all emotional on you.

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  • Looks like you don't want her anymore though we wanted her in the past. What happened? You still seem to have feelings for her. Then why do you want to break up?

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    • Hehehe at the "we wanted her in the past" - I didn't know you were there.

      Anyway, this is a hypthetical question. I'm just wondering is all. I'm single.

    • Well I am the invisible man! :-)

      You will figure out when you need it. Or, you can ask when there is a specific situation.

  • Well! First, you get a riotshield, or well preferably a blash shield too. Then - oh I thought you said how to defuse a bomb! :P nah I'm joking.

    I think you should sit down with her some time, and just talk to her. Don't just slap it in her face that it's over. Kind of let her off slowly. Or if you really want to be a gentleman, kind of hint that it isn't working out and let her dump you.

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  • Leave town, break up in a text, block the number immediately after? Break up via IM, block immediately after? Break up via friend or coworker, esp. an enemy of the previous partner. Just leave.

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    • You're an advocate of the scorched earth policy, huh? I guess it makes sense, but what if you bump into her a couple of weeks later?

    • I'm inclined to hope you're being sarcastic Blackkid....

    • That is pretty passive aggressive - not to mention cowardly & cruel.... Guys are 30 % more often found to use passive aggressive behavior as woman - You're upping the statistics ^

      Perhaps you are being facetious - but just incase OTHER people take it as a good idea :-)

  • That sex and the city bit is Fucked up. Even if it hurts, people should do it face to face.

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  • Well, I guess I'm in the same boat hypothetically speaking. I have already sent my girlfriend an e-mail about where I stand in the relationship. I explained that I am not in love with her yet and I didn't get that spark when we first met. She said it was a bit of a shock and it was out of the blue. Sure, nothing prompt me saying it but I'm thinking after a few months... there really isn't much to our relationship.

    She is the type of girl (scorpio) that will take it as an insult and we probably won't remain friends. She is a bit vindictive and I'm just glad I'm moving and probably starting a new job this year just in case the backlash comes. I am a good catch and I can see why she wants to keep me around and even get crazy if I leave. Some people claim they want an honest guy but can't handle the truth.

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  • Start being mean to her, treat her horribly, ignor her, stop contacting her, don't reply to emails texts, and just make her break up with you. You get out as the bad guy and you go and get someone else to do it all over again. Or better still try the open relationship or FWB have your cake and eat it to...some fall for this sigh...

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