Crying over my ex, need advice?

Ok so my ex and I broke up a few months ago after 11 years. And not to mention we have kids together. I fell in love with another man while we were still together (bad I know) but he was also distant and has cheated on me, our relationship wasn't the best but we loved each other and still do. Anyways even tho I'm in love with my new man I still find myself getting upset and crying over my ex sometimes. Especially after I found out he's doing all kinds of stuff with a new girl that he never put in time and effort to spend with me. Am I crazy for feeling this way, is it guilt, is cuz I obviously wasn't important enough to him anymore to spend time with, I honestly don't know but I don't wanna feel this way. I know im not in love with him at all obviously and dont want to get back together, it just wouldn't work out.
So please any advice will be helpful just hold up on the mean negative comments, I know I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for another guy but it didn't get physical till after. And sometimes things just happen.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Details nitty gritty... From what i read this is a sticky predicament... Shit happens in life, (like you said) but he cheated and then you found someone else to love. Do you think it could be jealousy thats driving the tears? What else happened during the span of your relationship?

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    • Our relationship has never been a great love story.. but we were once in love. But as time went on and on we just grew apart. The last 2 years of our relationship were the worst. Constantly fighting, arguing, putting each other down. Never went out or cuddled, no good time spent together. Grew very distant. Learned that he was chatting with girls, cheated on me a few times, went out drinking with buddies and didn't want to come home. When he did he didn't want to be there, he would just drink, sleep, ignore me. Like out our kids and I wasn't important to him... that pretty much covers it.

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    • I think its only natural to cry at what was and what could've been, all the sacrifices and the pain, 11 years is a LONG ass time. A lot of memories can be had in 1 year of dating i can't imagine 11 lol. Oh please tell them to kiss your ass and stay out of your business you tried he didn't he was messing around and didn't care enough for the kids to even COMMUNICATE? I've seen this same situation before a couple of times there's this DIRT BAG at work who's been having trouble with his wife because of his cheating (has 2 kids also). Always bragging about how he's smashing other chicks on the side... Makes me sick. Thats why his dumb ass go kicked out and was on drugs... came to work high as fuck could barely open his eyes...

    • Your right. It is to be expected to grieve what I once thought was great and expected it to last forever. And yes a hella long time lol so many good and bad memories.
      I'll do that, it's mainly his side of the family and friends of his now his new girlfriend that blame me. But he's probably filled their heads with everything I did wrong and not taking blame. Go figure.
      Wow. Well hopefully she kicked him out for good and don't take him back. I should have with my ex a while back ago instead of dragging it out as long as I did. But what's done is done, can't really blame me since I had good reason. But it's not always worth it. And since he's a druggie if I was her I wouldn't anyways just for that. Then bragging bout cheating... nope. sounds like an "ugly"person

Most Helpful Girl

  • 11 years is A LOT, and I think it's normal to still miss him because you guys went through a lot together and even formed a family. and I think it's also normal to feel jealous about the new woman in his life because you still care about him. What I think is useless is to try to understand why he's doing certain things with his new partner. Your relationship was unique and you both built it that way. Don't try to compare yourself to the new girl, it's pointless.
    In time you'll build a stronger bond with the new guy you're with, or with anotherone, and you'll move on completely. Just give give yourself some more time :)

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    • Thanks so much for your comment. Makes so much sense, I should have realized that but sometimes I guess you just have to hear it from another individual for it to sink in. What we had is unique and will always be special. I just need to quit dwelling on it. And at times I do miss him, it was comfortable with him so maybe that's where these feelings are coming from. Just an 11 yr relationship takes a toll on someone. But like you said a little more time and it'll all be good. Time heals all, eventually.
      Should I tell my new guy bout these feelings or would it put my relationship with him on hold? I know I don't want to get back with my ex and I don't want him to jump to that conclusion.

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    • Good point. That's the last thing I want to do. I don't want to give him any unnecessary doubts or reason to worry. Thanks again your opinion on my situation defiantly helped. 😊😊

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What Guys Said 2

  • First, there is a sense of contradiction in your post, which is symbolic of your confused feelings towards your ex and current boyfriend. You said "…we loved each other and still do". Then you said, "I know I'm not in love with him at all obviously ".

    I also smell jealousy as evident here: "I'm in love with my new man I still find myself getting upset and crying over my ex sometimes. Especially after I found out he's doing all kinds of stuff with a new girl that he never put in time and effort to spend with me".

    A decipher could tell you have a lingering wish of reuniting with your ex, which is perfectly normal. Sometimes, such wish may not be due to genuine love but jealousy, lack, or contrast. Speaking of contrast, you're unconsciously contrasting the behaviour of your current boyfriend and ex boyfriend towards you against the latter's behaviour towards his current girlfriend. That could be inflaming your feelings for your ex.

    I'm not privy of all what has transpired between you and your ex and current boyfriend. The fact is, you're the problem based on your post. The fact your ex cheated or was "distant" towards you does not legitimise your cheating. Your cheating and jealousy make your current boyfriend and kids the real victims in all of this.

    It seems you need time off dating to figure out your priorities, and to detox your emotions. Your ex appears to have moved on, and is with a happy girl.

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  • First of all you said that you were with your ex for 11 years and that you loved him and you still him, but you also say that during this time you fell in love with another man? Hence you fall in love with someone else and still you say that you love your ex, so back then you were in love with 2 men at the same time!

    Really strange and honestly that is not possible also because if you loved your ex, then there is no chance that some other man can enter your life and if someone else has already come into the picture and you say you love that person then you already fell out of love with your ex and that's how you fell for the other guy.

    Another thing, you said you fell in love with another man and your ex who was your boyfriend he cheated on you, what is this? I mean you both do this to each other and still say that you loved each other.

    if two people loved each other they will never do these things to one another. Both of you whatever you did to one another was wrong.

    In the end of your post you mentioned

    "I know I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for another guy but it didn't get physical till after. And sometimes things just happen."

    To tell you honestly nothing ever happens just like that, you knew that you were falling for some other guy and you knew that it was wrong and that it shouldn't have happened. If something is happening meaning you have always played a role in that, somewhere or the other and directly or indirectly you must have taken some effort that led to that thing happening.

    What I can say from all this is you need to get a hold of your emotions, feelings and I would now that he is your ex, just put the past behind you and move on. Yes of course it won't be easy because you were with your ex for 11 years!, so yes lot of emotions and feelings would be involved.

    Give yourself some time and you will move on eventually.

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