I lost my soulmate. We dated for a year and 3 months. She was the missing piece of my life. How do I get her back?

The girl I was with was my soulmate, we both believed it. We were perfect together. Played video games, played sports, watched movies, took each others virginities, loved each other's families and friends. She smoked weed before we dated and stopped when we began. We broke up after taking a 'break'. She said she needed to find herself. She later told me she wasn't happy for awhile and said I made 'comments' that hurt her but never gave an example. I know I wasn't perfect, but she never once mentioned this before. She always told me in person and text how in love she was and how happy she was. We've hung out a few times since we split. She kept telling me it was too soon to get back together. We ended up hanging out a few weeks ago and had sex. Thought we were trying to work it out. She told me the next day she doesn't want a relationship right now, not for awhile as she has personal issues she has to sort out. She said she doesn't love me the same way anymore, but still loves me and my family very much. I bought her flowers that day and gave them to her the next weekend as she had lost her cousin recently and was down. I brought a friend of mine with me (a girl she knew I wasn't interested in) since we were heading to the beach. She texted me later telling me she loved the flowers but made her day worse. She told me she needs to be left alone and wants me to move on as it is too stressful for her. She said it'd be awhile before shed be ready to talk to me as she's not on the same page right now. I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks besides telling her 'happy bday' a few days ago.
she's 19 in her 2nd year of college. I'm 23 and out of college. She told me that for the last 9 months of dating she was smoking weed every day and snorting her prescribed adderall and lied to me about it. She hasn't been with any other guys since and isn't interested in anything besides herself right now

I love this girl more than anything and she is the one for me. How do I get her back?
Updates:
Thought I'd add a couple things that I forgot. We've been broken up for 6 months now. She comes from a broken family. Her parents split when she was young and she started smoking when she was 15 and tried to overdose on pills. Her brother smokes and does harder drugs and her cousin does the same. I also want to assure that I am neither desperate nor needy, I just know what I want.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • She's doing drugs and is abusing substances. She has internal unhappiness and other possibly dark and depressive thoughts and feelings otherwise why would she be doing drugs? Weed is still drugs, and if she's smoking every day that's an addiction. An addiction occurs when there is something really wrong going on inside someone, they really aren't fully happy with themselves thus they aren't exactly really happy with someone else either despite they may seem that way on the outside and appear to be "happy". The odds of getting her back is slim since she is having an addiction problem, and unless she is willing to work with you and fight her addiction and any other underlying problems within her that's causing her addictions there's really nothing more you can do, as you can not control her and make her want you and want to be with you again. SHE has to make that choice and decision if she really WANTS to be with you again or not.

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    • @JudgmentDay I agree. My first thought is to try to help her, but like you said it had to be initiated by her. Is my only option to let her go and not contact her unless she reaches out first? Being in a dark place with dark thoughts seems like something that can be cleared up by the person if they so choose. She's also young and in college like I said. So my opinion would be that she is in that 'I want to experience everything' phase. And once she matures a bit and realizes that the world is not all rainbows and butterflies, she'll realize the good that she had. Thoughts?

    • You can wait, but again, if she doesn't really want to change and kick the addiction and sober up and fight her addiction and seek professional help or something then it doesn't really make sense to wait for her.

      It's ultimately her choice, if she really cares about you and herself and her own health, she'd actually reach out eventually and do something about it rather than continuously dwell on whatever underlying problem or unhappiness she is experiencing and having. Change can't be forced, she has to want it, and same goes for you. She can't expect you to change and you should not expect her to change.

      If the breakup really is official then it's time to take a break instead of jumping right back into dating. Time to do more self-discovery on what it is you want to do with your own life, what your aspirations or goals in life are, what your priorities are, etc.

    • Thanks for MHO!

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What Girls Said 2

  • That wasn't a good idea in the first place. You two had sex and that was a major problem. You bonded yourself to a woman you weren't married to, and now your dealing with the emotional and psychological consequences of it. That's number 1. Number 2, I don't think this is wise of you to get her back. When you said: "She hasn't been with any other guys since and isn't interested in anything besides herself right now" That means its done. She is not interested in going back with you or dating again. This changed her very badly.

    When she said: "She told me she needs to be left alone and wants me to move on as it is too stressful for her." In other words leave her be. You have to move on now. Cut all contact, drop the number and block it. If you try to get into her life again, it will get worse and she will grow to dislike you even more. She is in a very bad state of depression and oppression. You have to do this. You have to move on. If you rebel against that reasoning, you will regret it and see may end up hating you for trying to.

    I know its hard. But you have to let go. You need to tie yourself down to that. You can't help her or change her if she doesn't want your help or want to be changed. Its a tough pill to swallow.

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    • don't need to tie yourself*

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    • @Asker The chances are extremely low. When a person already says to move on, it means exactly that: move on. And if its not now, it may be a whole lot of years from now. But by that time it is far too late if your with somebody else.

    • @Asker Its time to start a new chapter and stop trying to reread the last one because you can't let go. She made the choice to walk out, and your in no obligation to stop her. You have to think logically here and not allow your feelings to be in the middle of your better judgement.

  • Give her the space she needs

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    • I am. As much as I don't understand why the space is being requested, I love and respect her so I'm honoring her request. Do you believe space could be what she needs to get herself together and potentially come back?

    • Well Yeh. She feels suffocated and not herself in the relationship. So you give her space to be herself, she'll respect it, realise what she had and come back hopefully

    • @selmo93 yeah I see that now. I knew I could either fight for her or let her go , but I chose fight instead. So hopefully by giving her the time she needs she'll realize what I brought to the table. She had a rough past and life, but there's a heart of gold inside of her that drew me in

What Guys Said 2

  • I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know the solution but I did have a friend who's personality completely changed when he started smoking weed and taking adderall or vivance.

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    • Yeah man. She gave it up and was a wonderful person to be around. She was so emotional and showed so much happiness. When she started smoking again she definitely lost all of that. She didn't really care anymore. When we broke up she told me she was smoking everyday to avoid taking adderall.

  • Tell her how you feel and try to remind her of the good times.

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    • I have man. She responded very well to it. She laughed all the time when I'd bring things up. She told me how much she missed me and my family. It almost feels like a timing issue. She was supposed to move in with me this summer and life was falling into place. But she told me she realized how big the world was and how many people there are. So it sounds to me like she wants to have experiences and the ability to be free before settling. The guy she dated before me used her and they were off and on for 3 years

    • I guess you gotta let her just do what she does

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