23 years old, about to be divorced and depressed... help?

I am a 23 year old girl who got married rather early. When we met my soon to be ex-husband 4 years ago I was skeptical about marriage, since my parents were divorced, my father married 3 times and all of my older female friends were divorced. However, he had grown up in a united family and somehow convinced me that marriage was a great option.

However, after marriage (and I mean 5 months after, not even 1 year), he changed. He constantly told me not to make plans counting on him, he felt I was overly attached and felt disturbed by me saying "I love you". He told me without hesitating that he would take a job in another city regardless of whether I would join him or not. He also started getting into this extreme hippie mood, always talking about smoking weed, meeting new people literally everyday (inclusively had breakfast out with another girl), obsessed with his own well being. Anything I would say or do felt like I was restraining him. This week, he just told me that he is 100% sure he wants divorce.

I am destroyed. The thought of being divorced as I had feared so much is corroding me. Because of this sudden change of heart he had, I am uncapable of trusting people. I have had 4 men this week telling me I'm beautiful, that they want to date me, make me happy and whatever else, and I feel like it's total bullshit. I feel like a piece of me just died. I cannot stand looking at anything wedding-related, children-related, etc. I cannot bear the thought of him touching/kissing a girl who will make him happier than me. That "if you love him let him go" bullshit I'm tired of telling myself just doesn't work. I'm afraid this feeling won't pass and years later I will still be crying over him and wishing we were married, holding on to his objects, his memories... I am so afraid to tell everybody the news, so afraid that this won't pass, that I will grow old watching him happy with someone else... help please! I'm in pain!


Most Helpful Guy

  • I got divorced too. I was about 10 years older than you, but it devastated me, just like it does you, at the time. She totally pulled the rug out from under me when she told me (in a letter after I left for a business trip).

    Like you, I felt a big chunk of my heart was ripped from me. Not cut out, not stabbed, but literally like a piece of meat being ripped in half leaving ragged edges bleeding. I never thought after 15+ years of marriage she and I would split, but that happened, and now I'm a part of that "club" of divorced people.

    For the first 3 months, I felt that falling feeling in my stomach. Like you, I couldn't look at anything wedding related, didn't want to see people holding hands, or kissing. Eventually that falling feeling stopped. I felt like I slipped down a very steep slope into a deep cave. Something in me was able to grab onto life and dig in, stopping the fall.

    But I was still living my life, facing backwards. I wanted what I didn't have anymore. It was never coming back. At least not with her. After a few months, I was able to turn around and face forward and go forward in my life.

    After a couple years and dating again, I met the woman who is now my 2nd wife. I can assure you, I chose MUCH wiser this time. We just crossed 18 years of marriage this past May.

    It takes time, but don't give up. Like others suggest, work on yourself. You can't change your soon-to-be-ex, but you CAN change you. You don't seem like a quitter to me. This is a very difficult time for you. Don't close in on yourself.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting... I feel your pain and totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 23 also my relationship broke down too after 2 years but I knew him for 5 years I thought he was the one and he will always be there for me, he was my first boyfriend and first guy for everything. I am not 100% confident and happy and secure my parents aren't together my dad left when I was 8 and u never see him. That impacts me a lot I'm scared to trust now to meet someone else falling in love again... I don't see myself as being good enough after he left me he said I offered nothing good it was such a bad and horrible breakup!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm struggling to move on also I understand it's more difficult for you as you guys got married, all I can say it that we are still young... Life isn't perfect we aren't perfect we can't control certain things and how they happen. I'm trying to focus on loving myself even though it's so hard since I'm heart broken I can't stand the thought of my ex meeting someone else someone better it's killing me. Try and focus on you be strong open up quickly to friends and family members you trust be smart about your decisions now when going through this divorce!! Watch how you react... Go to people who you really trust and care about you ask them for support!!! It will help so much. Don't keep it all inside... I kept it all inside I opened up to a few people some have been there for me but some haven't noticed that some of my closest friends distanced themselves from me I'm distraught as I was always there for them. Life is hard the older you get trust people trying to understand how you can love someone make memories with them and they just decide to leave... be smart about your choices right now though just so you don't make it more difficult for yourself... Make yourself priority and be strong ( I know it's hard) I'm just saying cause I made bad decisions when we broke up and it took me ages to move on. see other people it will help!!! But don't go back to your ex I did that I met someone I had a great time with him took my mind of things after we just spoke every once in a while ( we met on holiday he stayes in another city ) but when I came back home I was begging my ex to see me. So bad and embarrassing he put me down so much and made me feel horrible about myself. We can't control our emotions and people don't understand it. When you love someone you don't want to lose them

    • Foucs on yourself... You need to love yourself and be 100% stable with yourself, go to people who you trust and care about you for support, be strong and tell your ex that you deserve better don't be bitter be strong direct and formal!! They don't give a shit when you get upset and start crying. Hope this helps and you get by this quickly... Private mesg me if you want to talk more about this :)

    • by the way watch this movie called the secret!! It will help

    • Hello Pam, thank you for taking the time to speak to me. It is painful but still a relief to know somebody else survived something similar... I am so sorry you had these experiences too and yes, my heart and mind are a total mess. I feel like any time I could just sleep with anybody just to ease this pain, but I am trying my best to just disconnect from men because I know myself and I know how easy I have been to get all these years... and yes I do not know how these men claim to love us but then see us cry and get annoyed or ignore it. If I saw my husband (well, soon to be ex-husband) cry I would feel devastated and want to hug him so tight. Anyway... these are all gone now. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

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What Guys Said 5

  • The bigger question is why you stayed together this long with him.

    Honestly, to me it sounds like you have a good fair share of road-work and insecurities to work on and tried to get them fixed by being in a relationship. That made you into somewhat of a pushover.

    -> Your best bet now is to start with self-insight and work on yourself.

  • This guy clearly has some major issues that have NOTHING to do with you that is what you need to tell urself. Life is too short to be miserable especially over someone who treated you like that. It's understandable to not be trusting of other guys or not want to date immediately but don't let him win by curling up under a rock!

  • Keep your head up it is him that wasn't ready for marriage you stayed faithful he didn't sounds like hr just wanted someone for sex at the house 24/7 marriage and live and being love is grrrrrrreat!!! Don't rush nothing get to know the next guy that you click with before jumping and please refrain from giving it up if a guy really likes you and is falling in lI've with you we will wait no matter how long no man wants a car with one to many test drivers know what I mean

  • The pain is necessary for everyone. He doesn't love you, he just loves himself. fuck him, leave him, be yourself. You must accept the fact and time which is only the method will cure you.

  • I think some people failed you, i mean no one tried to warn you about getting married that young?

    • Hi, thanks for taking the time. Some people have warned me, while others have motivated me. But the fact is we were getting along so well before and we were actually so similar that people did not see anything wrong with that... also at the same time I kind of appreciate that they didn't stop me because this means they want me to pursue anything that I believe makes me happy, not them. Even if I failed, at least I did what I thought was best at that time, rather than being stopped and becoming bitter towards my family... I don't know, it is also painful to think of alternative realities in which things would have been different.

    • What you still don't realize is that most people don't really grow up till their late 20's. People change dramatically in their early 20's. I think You're still too young for marriage now.

      Sounds like you're family didn't want to fight you on this marriage and didn't expect it would last either way.
      I think you'd benefit from talking to someone professionally. I think you have alot' going on besides this divorce. Good luck, i hope you feel better.

    • You are definitely right, I guess in my dreams I thought we would grow older together and be similar still, but it was an illusion. I thought we would do all the things young people do in their 20s, just together. Again wrong. Thank you again for stopping by, it is nice to know somebody took the time.

What Girls Said 1

  • You need to focus on yourself. It's obvious that you've had issues growing up and fears and personal problems. After your marriage is not when you should start working on yourself and addressing your fears. When you got married you were a broken person and picked any kind of guy.

    Your husband doesn't love you, his actions have made that clear. Your problem is that you worry too much about what your family has done and the bad choices that they've made that you're afraid to be like them and think this asshole is a good husband for you.

    He's a piece of human excrement. Completely unworthy of marriage, just grow a backbone please. I understand you're hurting but don't make yourself a victim in this situation. By getting divorced you'd be the victor coming out of a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage. This guy wants to hurt you and damage you and you're letting him succeed.

    When he brings up divorce you should respond with "Great! How soon can we get the papers ready?" Love doesn't do to you what he does. Heal yourself and your heart and become a whole person. Marriage is for whole people not broken ones, and you were in pieces long before you got married.


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