I am a 23 year old girl who got married rather early. When we met my soon to be ex-husband 4 years ago I was skeptical about marriage, since my parents were divorced, my father married 3 times and all of my older female friends were divorced. However, he had grown up in a united family and somehow convinced me that marriage was a great option.
However, after marriage (and I mean 5 months after, not even 1 year), he changed. He constantly told me not to make plans counting on him, he felt I was overly attached and felt disturbed by me saying "I love you". He told me without hesitating that he would take a job in another city regardless of whether I would join him or not. He also started getting into this extreme hippie mood, always talking about smoking weed, meeting new people literally everyday (inclusively had breakfast out with another girl), obsessed with his own well being. Anything I would say or do felt like I was restraining him. This week, he just told me that he is 100% sure he wants divorce.
I am destroyed. The thought of being divorced as I had feared so much is corroding me. Because of this sudden change of heart he had, I am uncapable of trusting people. I have had 4 men this week telling me I'm beautiful, that they want to date me, make me happy and whatever else, and I feel like it's total bullshit. I feel like a piece of me just died. I cannot stand looking at anything wedding-related, children-related, etc. I cannot bear the thought of him touching/kissing a girl who will make him happier than me. That "if you love him let him go" bullshit I'm tired of telling myself just doesn't work. I'm afraid this feeling won't pass and years later I will still be crying over him and wishing we were married, holding on to his objects, his memories... I am so afraid to tell everybody the news, so afraid that this won't pass, that I will grow old watching him happy with someone else... help please! I'm in pain!
Most Helpful Guy
I got divorced too. I was about 10 years older than you, but it devastated me, just like it does you, at the time. She totally pulled the rug out from under me when she told me (in a letter after I left for a business trip).
Like you, I felt a big chunk of my heart was ripped from me. Not cut out, not stabbed, but literally like a piece of meat being ripped in half leaving ragged edges bleeding. I never thought after 15+ years of marriage she and I would split, but that happened, and now I'm a part of that "club" of divorced people.
For the first 3 months, I felt that falling feeling in my stomach. Like you, I couldn't look at anything wedding related, didn't want to see people holding hands, or kissing. Eventually that falling feeling stopped. I felt like I slipped down a very steep slope into a deep cave. Something in me was able to grab onto life and dig in, stopping the fall.
But I was still living my life, facing backwards. I wanted what I didn't have anymore. It was never coming back. At least not with her. After a few months, I was able to turn around and face forward and go forward in my life.
After a couple years and dating again, I met the woman who is now my 2nd wife. I can assure you, I chose MUCH wiser this time. We just crossed 18 years of marriage this past May.
It takes time, but don't give up. Like others suggest, work on yourself. You can't change your soon-to-be-ex, but you CAN change you. You don't seem like a quitter to me. This is a very difficult time for you. Don't close in on yourself.1
Most Helpful Girl
You need to focus on yourself. It's obvious that you've had issues growing up and fears and personal problems. After your marriage is not when you should start working on yourself and addressing your fears. When you got married you were a broken person and picked any kind of guy.
Your husband doesn't love you, his actions have made that clear. Your problem is that you worry too much about what your family has done and the bad choices that they've made that you're afraid to be like them and think this asshole is a good husband for you.
He's a piece of human excrement. Completely unworthy of marriage, just grow a backbone please. I understand you're hurting but don't make yourself a victim in this situation. By getting divorced you'd be the victor coming out of a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage. This guy wants to hurt you and damage you and you're letting him succeed.
When he brings up divorce you should respond with "Great! How soon can we get the papers ready?" Love doesn't do to you what he does. Heal yourself and your heart and become a whole person. Marriage is for whole people not broken ones, and you were in pieces long before you got married.1