I am a 23 year old girl who got married rather early. When we met my soon to be ex-husband 4 years ago I was skeptical about marriage, since my parents were divorced, my father married 3 times and all of my older female friends were divorced. However, he had grown up in a united family and somehow convinced me that marriage was a great option.
However, after marriage (and I mean 5 months after, not even 1 year), he changed. He constantly told me not to make plans counting on him, he felt I was overly attached and felt disturbed by me saying "I love you". He told me without hesitating that he would take a job in another city regardless of whether I would join him or not. He also started getting into this extreme hippie mood, always talking about smoking weed, meeting new people literally everyday (inclusively had breakfast out with another girl), obsessed with his own well being. Anything I would say or do felt like I was restraining him. This week, he just told me that he is 100% sure he wants divorce.
I am destroyed. The thought of being divorced as I had feared so much is corroding me. Because of this sudden change of heart he had, I am uncapable of trusting people. I have had 4 men this week telling me I'm beautiful, that they want to date me, make me happy and whatever else, and I feel like it's total bullshit. I feel like a piece of me just died. I cannot stand looking at anything wedding-related, children-related, etc. I cannot bear the thought of him touching/kissing a girl who will make him happier than me. That "if you love him let him go" bullshit I'm tired of telling myself just doesn't work. I'm afraid this feeling won't pass and years later I will still be crying over him and wishing we were married, holding on to his objects, his memories... I am so afraid to tell everybody the news, so afraid that this won't pass, that I will grow old watching him happy with someone else... help please! I'm in pain!
Most Helpful Guy
I got divorced too. I was about 10 years older than you, but it devastated me, just like it does you, at the time. She totally pulled the rug out from under me when she told me (in a letter after I left for a business trip).
Like you, I felt a big chunk of my heart was ripped from me. Not cut out, not stabbed, but literally like a piece of meat being ripped in half leaving ragged edges bleeding. I never thought after 15+ years of marriage she and I would split, but that happened, and now I'm a part of that "club" of divorced people.
For the first 3 months, I felt that falling feeling in my stomach. Like you, I couldn't look at anything wedding related, didn't want to see people holding hands, or kissing. Eventually that falling feeling stopped. I felt like I slipped down a very steep slope into a deep cave. Something in me was able to grab onto life and dig in, stopping the fall.
But I was still living my life, facing backwards. I wanted what I didn't have anymore. It was never coming back. At least not with her. After a few months, I was able to turn around and face forward and go forward in my life.
After a couple years and dating again, I met the woman who is now my 2nd wife. I can assure you, I chose MUCH wiser this time. We just crossed 18 years of marriage this past May.
It takes time, but don't give up. Like others suggest, work on yourself. You can't change your soon-to-be-ex, but you CAN change you. You don't seem like a quitter to me. This is a very difficult time for you. Don't close in on yourself.1
Most Helpful Girl
I'm sorry to hear how much you are hurting... I feel your pain and totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 23 also my relationship broke down too after 2 years but I knew him for 5 years I thought he was the one and he will always be there for me, he was my first boyfriend and first guy for everything. I am not 100% confident and happy and secure my parents aren't together my dad left when I was 8 and u never see him. That impacts me a lot I'm scared to trust now to meet someone else falling in love again... I don't see myself as being good enough after he left me he said I offered nothing good it was such a bad and horrible breakup!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm struggling to move on also I understand it's more difficult for you as you guys got married, all I can say it that we are still young... Life isn't perfect we aren't perfect we can't control certain things and how they happen. I'm trying to focus on loving myself even though it's so hard since I'm heart broken I can't stand the thought of my ex meeting someone else someone better it's killing me. Try and focus on you be strong open up quickly to friends and family members you trust be smart about your decisions now when going through this divorce!! Watch how you react... Go to people who you really trust and care about you ask them for support!!! It will help so much. Don't keep it all inside... I kept it all inside I opened up to a few people some have been there for me but some haven't noticed that some of my closest friends distanced themselves from me I'm distraught as I was always there for them. Life is hard the older you get trust people trying to understand how you can love someone make memories with them and they just decide to leave... be smart about your choices right now though just so you don't make it more difficult for yourself... Make yourself priority and be strong ( I know it's hard) I'm just saying cause I made bad decisions when we broke up and it took me ages to move on. see other people it will help!!! But don't go back to your ex I did that I met someone I had a great time with him took my mind of things after we just spoke every once in a while ( we met on holiday he stayes in another city ) but when I came back home I was begging my ex to see me. So bad and embarrassing he put me down so much and made me feel horrible about myself. We can't control our emotions and people don't understand it. When you love someone you don't want to lose them1