Do I finally let go of this relationship?

We were together for 5 years and we stopped talking for a few months (but texted and emailed in between) after a fight about moving forward with our relationship as in kids and marriage. Then he contacted me after some months only to tell me that he dated around (I didn't date because fell it wasn't officially over between us), has become a non functioning alcoholic and depressed. I truly care for him and pushed him to get into detox, referred him to a few doctors including a social worker, dragged him to doctors appointments and helped him get his life in order. We started talking about having a family again and now he has completely shut me out by withdrawing, ignoring me while calling me manipulative and not appreciating all that I have done for him. I am at a loss.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand it is really frustrating when we feel we have laid it all on the line for someone and they then don't appreciate it. At * all.

    What's really happened, however, is quite simple. You started keeping score, meaning that somewhere in your mind, you think he owes you something because of what you have given him. This is not how humans work. We are taught to believe it is, I know I was: "be nice to people and they will respond in kind."

    I was told to be polite and considerate and it always seemed strange to me when I observed so many unhappy people who just seemed to play by these rules. Meanwhile, I knew many happy people who seemed to use a different paradigm.

    The reality is: you don't owe anybody anything. Nor does he, or anybody, owe you anything. You didn't get a diploma saying "Mr. X's undying love hereby earned" , ever. Love is not something you are owed, it's something you give, freely, without agenda. If you do, you will get it back in spades.

    I encourage you to enjoy having given what you did, really think of all the positive impact you caused, and you did. Even if it seems to have not taken hold, it did make a difference.

    And your job is to let go, and completely. What isn't there, isn't there. You cannot ever change, or force anything, including love.

    Just let him go and practice giving without agenda.

    I hope this gives you a bit of solace.


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  • I think the real answer is that he has just simply lost interest in you... or maybe he wants to be single again...


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