Please read, not sure what I'm asking here? I just need help?

Anonymous
Recently my ex and I completely stopped talking. Within the time that we dated I was going through a lot of changes, quitting my job, looking for a new one, moving out of my parents house to a new area, etc. After we broke up I realized how manipulative and emotionally abusive he is. he'd tell me all the time how annoying I was, 90% of time it was just me joking with him he was allowed to dish it out but he couldn't take it, he'd tell me constantly how awkward I am which i never thought I was awkward so now I feel like everything I do is awkward even when my family and friends tell me I'm not. I'm not much of a sexual person I know with sex I can get a bit weird and I told him my insecurities with it and that I'm still not fully comfortable with it and he'd just push it off and say how I'm being stupid and sex is just sex blah blah. Which he was the only person I have ever had sex with it takes time for me to be comfortable with it. He told me that I will always be awkward with anyone I'm with and he makes me feel like he was the best thing that ever happened to me and he's the only one who would be able to put up with me. I know it's not true. I know there is someone who will love me for me but he's still in my head. I still believe him.

Everyone tells me to get over him and never get involved with him because I deserve someone better. As much as I want to hate him I can't. I know he is manipulative but I still want to be with him I still love him a lot. He means so much to me and I hate it! If he were to ask me right now to come over I would. He would make me seem like I was mental and that I'm going crazy and now I feel like I'm actually going crazy. I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. I just don't know to what to do. I know I'm stupid for wanting to be with him. I want to forget him but it's not that easy. Since I moved I don't have anyone to talk to except for my roommate and she's always out with her boyfriend and it makes me feel worse about my situation.
Please read, not sure what I'm asking here? I just need help?
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