Can you smack some sense into me?

My relationship ended dramatically where I was abandoned in a foreign state during family vacation with nothing but a phone and clothes on my back. I was left behind with the idea that my ex was suddenly cruel and thought I had no right to any of what we shared of almost a decade of being together with shared children.

I gave everything, it was my naivety and foolishness to be so subservient and trusting. Despite working from 0 and getting my children back even if it's temporary, I'm stressed over the idea I still love my ex. Self thoughts only came out of that I love what he gave, but not who he was, and the person I loved never even existed. I keep wishing he could have been less traumatic and more tactful at ending things so I could transition out of this easier.

How can I hate or get anger, the strength to go against him in court so I can have custody of my children? It's going to be at most 50/50 but my children wants to be with me. They apparently knew and witness the issues before I ever did, they just were silenced by the tension and that if I was putting up with it, they should too. They are so much happier now, and told me even though they still love and miss their dad, they don't want to live with him. That they can love a villain but know not to be with one. But I can't see him as a bad guy, I'm still stuck in survivor and people pleasing mode.

What can I do to get the strength because there's no turning back and he's trying to take my kids away. I have to be ruthless while he gets to be ugly. I know I won't have closure, but I can't leave my kids without a fight. I'm already losing because I'm poor as well as my friends/family and my ex's side is rich. I feel selfish and childish for not finding my inner wrath to bring to the table for my children to see that even the loving must fight for what's right.
Can you smack some sense into me?
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