Back and forth girlfriend keeps leaving due to "chemistry." Why? And is it valid?

Okay ladies (and gents). The long in short of it... My (now again ex-GF) has left me again due to "lack of chemistry." As it stands, we have been on this merry go round for around 3 years. First, we're like best friends—we have an insane fun time together. Second, we have a sex life when we're on—she pounces on me, has orgasms, we shower together, etc. So, we like each other naked (at least that's what it seems). But, every time we reach between the 2 to 4 month mark, she turns cold and blames sexual compatibility. Now, I'll admit, I've had so-called "better" sex with other women. But I wouldn't say she and I have bad sex. It's been getting better. From the start of our sexual relationship I did feel that she was distant. When our impending breakups do eventually happen, a couple weeks before I can feel her getting disconnected in bed—and it does feel "awkward," as she's put it. Now, we've ended it again, probably the third or forth time now. Each time, she comes back and the relationship gets more intense. Better actually. This time around she started nesting and talks of a life together were coming into play—she was 100% sure we were the read deal. In fact, kind of put herself out there to get me back—pulled out all the stop. Now, she says she wants us to work but then feels a need to end it because of this elusive "chemistry" she feels we're missing. Yes, I know that I have to let her go for good. And it sucks, mostly because of how close our friendship is. She's life partner material in that department. I believe that she's an avoidant, and subconsciously pulls away when we start getting too close. She did deal with early childhood trauma, never had a father, etc. Any merit to that? Why does she keep coming back if there's no chemistry? If the sex is bad? Why does she profess her love only to walk away? It's all too confusing and frustrating, mostly because (from my POV) we're insane together. Even strangers have mentioned it in public. What you think?


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  • Hm... It's not unusual for two people to have surprisingly different opinions about whether sex is good or bad... but "chemistry" is usually something both people feel.

    Are you good at reading her in general? Because if you think there's chemistry but she doesn't... you might just have to get better at reading her (and SHE might have to get better at communicating her needs -- this will be a difficult talk, but definitely a necessary one).

    Don't forget... even YOU said you've had better with other women.
    You should think more about that. What MADE those other women better lovers? More... chemistry, perhaps? (:
    Not really snark-- Try to identify CONCRETE things you could possibly work on together.
    "Chemistry" should IMPROVE, not deteriorate, with time -- this is probably the single greatest feature of long-term relationships!


    Also... Here's a suggestion. I'm a restless soul who's easily bored myself -- and this is the sort of thing that's kept my marriage hot for more than 15 years:

    If she's attracted to the drama of constantly shifting relationships -- try ROLE-PLAYING breakups when you're perfectly happy together.

    Yep srsly.

    This is something my husband will do with me, and it's SUPER intense.
    He'll (very convincingly) role-play getting ready to walk out on me forever. He'll literally be on his way out the door -- and I'll be screaming and grabbing and sobbing and clawing at him, dragging him back inside... and I'll "fuck him right back into my life".
    The intensity of that sort of thing comes from how it just dredges up so many deep emotions inside me.
    I'm always *intellectually* aware of how much my husband and I need each other -- and I'd die before breaking a commitment -- but, there's still something about actually playing out that situation that just hits me right in the heart (and between the legs too... mmmhhhh omg)

    If she wants drama... give her the kind of drama you'll BOTH enjoy.

    Try it you'll like it.

    • Haha. I love that role-playing game, nice. She does seem to like the drama. When I walk out, she usually asks me to wait for her or ensure the door is still open. This time around she broke down pretty bad when saying goodbye. Yeah, we have chemistry. Every time we get back together I bring up the reason she left and she hardly recalls that as a reason. When we're together, we're always touching each other in some way—maybe holding hands playing with each other's hair—she's always touching me when driving. Physical contact is consistent until the inevitable change of feeling. As for sex, it's just different with everyone—some of the women I've dated have been a bit insane in the sack. This one, she's more passive and shy. She even said she felt "intimidated" sexually by me once. I have asked her to discus sex further, talk about her desires and fantasies and she gets shy and bashful. But once she shuts down it's always game over. Thanks for sharing.

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    • Yeah, please do keep me in the loop... I'm interested. Thanks for taking all the time to try to explain.

    • I will for sure. Funny in chatting with her the other night when we were saying goodbye, yet again, she talked about how we had good sex, how she had multiple orgasms, but "something was missing," and she doesn't know what. One moment she blames sex. The next it's something else. My guess truly is subconscious fear.

  • Thank Disney movies, romance novels, Cosmo magazine, social media... our society has developed a skewed view of what relationships are supposed to be like and the elusive 'magic' that we expect chemistry and pheremones to provide.


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