Advice/help with an Obsession over my ex-girlfriend?

For starters my ex girlfriend is basically heartless/emotionless but I always felt I brought it out of her. We've been on and off for two years (weeks or breaks. I was slightly controlling just because I never wanted her hurt but in our most recent terms I cut my control down because no one wants to feel controlled and I grew trust. But we were doing great we saw each other a lot after I stopped hanging with friends and just her. my obsession only grew. Then I heard some things from people about her cheating. She denied and said he was just a friend. so again didn't want to seem controlling i let it go until it happend more often until I finally checked her phone. I felt as if someone put a 12-gauge to my chest and let it off. I fell over, I couldn't belive it I didn't want to belive it. But it was true. I wanted to break up with her but I couldn't when I went to break up, she did after talking to him. I gave her everything just for her to leave with some player I talked to her for while on phone one night where she persisted to act hard but eventually she broke (which isn't normal for her since she's so heartless, she never cries, made me cry myself) and she told me while tearing up how she's asked herself over and over what she did and why but she doesn't know. Yet there always next to one another, he talks behind her back about how she's a hoe and he just tryna fuck and she told me she knows yet she continues on, one half of me wants to let it happen so she learns but the other half wants to love her. I've been having anxiety attacks, waking up with heart aches, sick stomachs and wondering where the hell she's at. Even after she cheated on me i want her back and would do anything for her! I feel the further away I am and the less ik , hurts me more than not seeing her and not knowing what's happening. I love her and she claims too. We've been through it all... I just am so confused, stressed to point where I can't focus on myself! I Would greatly appreciate any advice!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I understand it’s a rude shock to receive and the good news is that you recognize it now. When there’s pain there’s always an opportunity to learn. So I’m going to suggest a new way of looking at things.

    We have all been taught since childhood that we can “control” each other to a point, and that “trust” is something you can dole out, all measured on the basis of careful analysis. Now, you’re obviously a really smart cookie, and you write well, by the way. But your system just doesn’t work, as you can see.

    The reason is that it’s based 100% on your ego. It seems to me that the whole notion of controlling someone else is impossible. How can you control someone else’s desires? You can’t…. and you have the proof. Even when you were, in your words “controlling”, she still cheated. So I suggest you give up control, today.

    Next, what are her motives? Here is another thing we’ve been taught from early on and which I suggest is messing up our lives big time: if you analyze people’s behavior, you can work out why they did certain things, and you can predice what they will do. This is also just not supported by facts. Your case is one example, but I don’t know anyone who has accurately predicted human behavior with any success.

    If it were possible, there wouldn’t be any wars for one thing and crime would be impossible. In the romantic domain, it seems like irrational behavior is the norm and it’s not like good brains such as your own haven’t been applied. It just doesn’t work.

    So I suggest that you focus on yourself. You are someone who is full of love. You love this girl and even after what she did, you still love her. I suggest you own up to that and just give it up. You may not be in a relationship with her but you’ll always love her. So just relax into that and start thinking a bout who you’ll meet next, if you can.

    A friend of mine recently traveled across the country to see a girl he knew and he thought they would be together. Not only did she reject his advances, she threw him out of her places nd he had to spend two nights at a hostel. He was in tears when he called me…now, two months later, he is dating an absolute sweetie of a total hottie, somebody he knew before but whom he thought was out of his league.

    What I’m suggesting is that your so-called failures prepare you for the next, better thing. So just relax, and with time, thank the thankless #$%&# for breaking your heart…. there’s no other way to get to the real prize. I hope this helps a bit.

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  • Sorry to hear that man. But sounds like she's very unfaithful and I'd let it go and try to move on. Easier said than done but if she comes back cool, if not then it wasn't meant to be.

    I'm going through a similar situation. I got rebounded by a girl recently who I had a ton in common with and when she invited me over, I found out she was sleeping around through a very fucked up discovery. Ironically she was the one who ditched me, but I've been a wreck this past week as I felt a strong connection.

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