He asked for more between us, and then backed off and ended us when I agreed?

So we dated a few years ago but it didn't work, we were born young, we moved on and both had long term relationships. We got talking again and he apologised for everything, he felt bad for the way he treated me. We eventually became friends with benefits and it was going great. Around a month in he told me he has feelings for me and he doesn't want friends with benefits forever, he wants more soon. I agreed. He changed from calling me 'hot' to 'beautiful' he would make digs like he was fed up he wasn't my boyfriend, we were talking one day and I said I had only ever been in love once & he said, "I'm just hoping it was me." He always hinted to see if I loved him or not. Always making fun of my ex who he knew and told me he was jealous of him for having me.

He started acting different around two weeks ago, I thought it was because I hadn't pushed for more yet, I opened up and told him we could try seeing each other more, see how it goes because I enjoy his company. I didn't mention a relationship, I said that I do really like him. He suddenly backed off & said he doesn't know because he didn't realise he would like me this much from doing friends with benefits because he wanted to sort himself out before another relationship. He blanked me for 5 days. He came back apologising saying he's scared, he doesn't want to disappoint me, he assumed I would stress him and his last relationship made him that way. That he can't afford to take me on nice dates and he's self conscious. I said it's fine, that I'm pushing him for nothing, that I've never mentioned a relationship and I don't need expensive dates I only asked for his company and he seemed calmed. 2 days later we argue and he tells me he will never want me, he gives up & he's sick of the drama that it's not working. This was our first argument. He's ignored me again for 4 days so far.

How can somebody change so quickly? It was going amazingly well. He was the one who initiated us to be more than friends with benefits, not me. What did I do wrong?


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What Guys Said 1

  • I feel your pain and I know from first-hand experience how difficult it is to even get through the day with these thoughts. Thankfully, there is a cure.

    We have been taught by our well-meaning parents that relationships can be analyzed and managed , essentially from our egos. We are taught that we should observe each other’s behavior and then guess each other’s motives and come up with the best strategy to get what we want. Maybe if you look over your post, you can find evidence of this. The best one is really “wht?”.

    Asking why someone does something is really just our ego screaming for redemption. You either know or you don’t. Typically, when you’re in love and really tuned in to that feeling, you become very intuitive, have you noticed? And when you get jealous or frustrated, you lose most of this and you have to use math skills, essentially, to figure it out. And the results are not good.

    It’s really borne out in your description of your relationship. When everything is dandy, you’re doing just fine. Then you get strategic: when he start acting strange. You try to fit his behavior into your model of his past behavior and your supercomputer of a brain comes up with a useless solution: charge harder.

    Instead, if you’d been really tuned in, you’d have realized he just needed some time and space, and because you’re happy in your own skin and have all the time in the world, you’d have given him just that. And he’d either have disappeared, which would have been fine, or he’d have come back stronger. Just the way it works.

    It seems to me that our crippled relationships are all a result of this state of colluding with our brains and our friends. It just produces terrible results.

    I suggest you learn how to quiet your mind, learn to meditate and be peaceful. You really don’t need this boy, except to teach you the value of being loving as a way of being, not even necessarily toward a particular person. Just learn to enjoy looking at the sky, the clouds, the trees….. it will benefit you greatly.

    I hope this makes a bit of sense. Please ask questions if you think I’m just crazy 


What Girls Said 2

  • You did nothing wrong. He is simply realizing that he is not as ready for a new relationship as he thought he was. He has unfinished business in his last relationship. You were a quick comfort to him as exes always return to what's familiar. Keep him as a friends with benefits if you like, but it's best to cut all of it off now. You don't want to be in a position where he knows it's ok to throw up fairs fits this way.

  • He suggested to be more than f-buddies, for whatever reason, you seemed unphased by it even though you know him pretty well and should know by now if anything more can come off this. He realized it and decided not to waste his time on you and moved on.

    • I didn't act unphased? I told him I liked him too and agreed to more. I just didn't act clingy or rush into things because he said that's not what he wanted. I did everything that he asked for.

    • Well then, cut it off before it gets more serious and confusing because this guy doesn't know what he wants.

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