Breaking up after six years? Please help

My boyfriend and I were together for six years, we're both 21 years old and about a month ago, he broke up with me initially saying it was because he didn't think he was in love anymore. We've been best friends for 8 years as well and I, of course did not take this well. I had no idea this was coming and have never been so in love with him. As time has passed, we have talked a bit and it has been established that it was more because I am not myself lately because of much I hate my job (I am normally a very happy person but I am so unhappy lately I haven't been myself :( ),too dependent and that with time and space, he would be willing to work on it. The problem however is that we were living together so we've had to be in contact almost constantly throughout the month making it hard to give him any space.. Also, during the time we don't talk, he has been sending me random texts to try and spark conversation. This is really confusing me because despite the fact I know it's likely healthy for us in the long run to be away from each other, I miss him like crazy everyday. And since we've been together since early in high school, we have all the same friends and I am finding that very hard to deal with. We had to spend a full day together cleaning our place one last time, it was the first time I've spent any real amount of time with him and although it went well, it was strange for me because it seemed so normal and so much like when we were together. We were just supposed to clean but then he asked if I wanted to go for lunch and we went to his new place where he lives with our friend and gave me a tour... And now, after we had such a great day, he seem reluctant to text me back which wasn't the case before... Sorry if this note is scatterbrained but after six years and being a self professed "co-dependent" person, I am really having a hard time here... I very seriously thought we were going to get married in the near future. Please help.. Tell me what to do... I can't very well try the "make him miss me" approach by not talking to him when we've already been talking for the duration of the month we have been broken up.

Also I should say that even during the time we didn't see each other, I fought myself not to text him and as pathetic and it sounds, I was proud not having texting him for a week, but he us the one who keeps texting me... So the main thing here is that he is saying he needs space nut when I try to give it to him, he doesn't take it :(

any advice would be greatly appreciated guy... I live him, I feel like he is the one for me, and I will do anything to get him back

Updates:
We got back together a few months ago! And it's going so well! To be honest, the break was exactly what we needed! Thanks for all the answers guys! It really helped!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You're overanalyzing the whole situation, likely because you are stressed with other things in your life (for example, your employment). Check this out:

    You guys originally broke up because you grew too dependent on him, like he was a crutch, as one of the main reasons.

    - When you are giving this man you're independent power, you are relying on him, and when that "crutch" slips out from under you- you will tumble down to the ground and possibly hurt yourself. That's what you are doing right now. You need to slowly raise yourself back to your feet (Build emotional stability and independency in yourself) before you jump up again (get back with him). If you don't take time to get your footing, this is only going to repeat a second, third, fourth (etc) time, until eventually it doesn't happen any more.

    **Note- It's common sense that when you have lost your emotional dependency, that you will not be yourself. He started dating you, and that's who he loves. Not this new girl. Don't be afraid to go to him for support, but make sure that you aren't allowing things to change who you really are.**

    So onto your other concern -- "Space" ;; Truthfully, he will find whatever he needs to survive by himself. You're being very considerate and respectful of him, which is great! But right now, space doesn't mean vanishing from his life; it is merely represented as time for him to evaluate if you change back to your old self. In order to do that, he has to interact with you; he cannot assume you've changed from afar.

    - So what I'm saying is that it's OKAY to talk to him; it's OKAY to spend time with him; and it's great to fight for him, but wait until you're ready!

    You're young. Right now is a time for you to regain your independency and lead your life path with this other lucky guy into a whole new level.

    A brief summary of what I suggest:

    - Learn to find the support that your mind/body need from yourself. Be independent

    - Keep trusting him enough to include him in your life. Let him know what's happening.

    - Keep fighting for him, it's not over. We are all human and we ALL make mistakes.

    Good luck, I'm here if you need more questions answered.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

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    • Thankyou so much!!! It's really nice to have an unbiased opinion... Like I said, we share all our friends so it's hard to talk to them about this...

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    • This weekend is a mutual friend (and my ex's new roomates) house warming party and I've said I will go. This will be the first time I see my ex in a group function. We haven't talked a lot since we cleaned our apartment together and I miss him s ridiculous amount and I'm getting pretty antsy to male a move to get him back. Is there something I can do to improve my chances while I'm there?

    • Just be your honest and genuine self while maintaining your composure (self-respect). Don't go chasing him at his ankles; just speak your peace and see what he has to say:

      "John, I'd like to meet you for coffee tomarrow; are you interested?"

      If he asks why, tell him flat up: "I wanna see where things go; I'm interested in pursueing you"... Which is a statement that you don't have to answer the question "Why" to.. You can merely smile and misdirect his question back to the original question.

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What Guys Said 7

  • i know exactly how you feel...i am 21 and I am in a relationship that is now going on 4 years. The issue is a little different but in the end its the same. I love this girls deeply and really feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. Recently, though things have started to change and she even started liking another guy. She tells me she cares about me and she will always love me but she is not sure if she is in love with me. She wants me to just give her some space and time and that's the hardest part. If you two are no longer living together than make it so that he starts the convo ( through text or calls) and let him take the lead for awhile. Let him be the one who starts all the convos for awhile. You have been with him for a long time and trust me he thinks about you everyday he may just want some time to make sure about some things ya kno. So just try to relax and have fun with your girl friends and let him take the lead a bit. You chasing after him is not what he wants right now he wants to do the chasing a bit so it seems.

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    • My suggestion for your own sanity Bmoore231 -- Move on. The girl seeing another guy is a huge flag; it's just a cop-out so she isn't feeling guilty of cheating. Save yourself from the situation and find a lucky girl to spend your life with.

    • Thanks for your advice I really hope you can figure things out :| I never thought I'd go through this again because I thought this was it... It's literally one of the hardest times I've gone through ever :( goodluck to you though

  • Your thinking process shows your dependency because your writing is all about him and your feelings for him and how to get him back. You also seem to hate your job. You need to first sort out your life.

    You can not be happy in a relationship (and hence your partner can also not be happy) unless you can be a happy person on your own. I can understand why he might have felt suffocated.

    So, live sparately but maintain friendship. Get your own affairs sorted out. Find out what kind of job will make you happy and struggle to get that. Develop some new set of friends in addition to the old set.

    When you are in a better mental and emotional state, things will work out.

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    • I agree with everything you say... And I am trying to sort my life out I'm going back to school and I've gotten a part time job that relates to what I plan on doing in the future... I feel good about all if this but I'm still having a VERY hard time with being away from him... We have all the same friends so we see each other often... What should I do in the meantime... Is it bad to go into the friend zone??

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    • So another thing I can't decide on is whether I should sit down again and talk to him about whether or not this is something we are going to work in in the future... The reason being that I'm afraid if I don't, I'll end up still hoping for reconciliation and he'll be totally over it and I won't even know.

    • Definitely, you should talk to him and tell him what you think the problem has been and how you are going to work on it. Involve him in the process. Ask his advice. Be sincere and he will help you.

  • So the question I need to ask you is, you say you love him but do you want to be with him again? If you do then there are multiple approaches of what you can do. 1st. He did break up with you, so go out and meet people. Do not aviod social situations, and if an oppurtunity presents itself bring somee people back to your place. He will see you having a good time and will be begging for you back. If he gets upset just remind him that he broke up with you and said he needed space. 2nd, talk to him. Just tell him how you feel and what you are thinking and have him do the same. See where he is at with everything and tell him where you are at. Remember communication is the most important thing. Good luck

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  • I feel like he feels the same way about you in terms of getting married to you. After about the 5 year mark most couples either make it or break it. I believe that your boyfriend is considering marrying you, however is having second thoughts because of you recent change of attitude. I believe that if this Man truley loves you he will chase after you and never let you go. Last make sure he knows about how you feel about how him, make sure he knows that you think he is the one. If it was meant to be he will feel the same way, its been six years what else is there to know about eachother? My only word of caution is to realize that marriage is forever... or at least its supossed to be. You guys are going to have to live with each other for the rest of your lives if things do work out. The question you have to ask yourself is can you live with all the flaws your boyfriend has for the rest of your life.

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    • I desperately hope that you're right... I just wonder what I should do in the mean time? I will do anything to get him back... Should I sit him down and talk to him?

  • Sometimes space is not enough to save a relationship, Space can either bring some people closer, or it can drift people apart. For me once I tell a girl I want space I am re thinking about everything I kind of lost feelings for that person keeping my options open.

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  • Just text him back and see how things go, explain what you have been feeling and how you think he could help you. Guys can be really confusing when they say one thing and do something that contradicts that one thing. You just can't really understand it unless your in his shoes. So do text him back and be yourself, and draw him back in and try to be the you he fell in love with.

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  • Maybe get your own affairs inorder ; like a job and start buying things for an apartment. He will find you.

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What Girls Said 1

  • it is very simple,if the reason he gave was true,act happy act like your old self do whatever the hell you gotta do to make yourself happy,hang out with girlfriends spend a night or two away from home without telling him and furthermore do not answer his texts or his phone calls while you are away from him he wants his space? give him the whole god damn galaxy,soon he will be wondering what the hell happened whatever you do be cool and be happy!

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