Wrote a cathartic letter to my ex-girlfriend apologizing. Should I send?

I (30M) was in a 11 month relationship with this girl (28F) I've known for about 5 years. We had got to the point where we started saying I love you, how lucky we were to be with each other, and talked half-seriously about our future together. Then she dumped me after I yelled at her, for the first time, during a fight. She was PMDDing (very bad periods) and jumped all over me and said some mean things. She has a history of abuse and I guess the yelling (not screaming at the top of my lungs) really scared her. I was not physically aggressive towards her just very frustrated. I also swore a bit but only in the context of "sometimes you make me feel like a f'ing idiot." Never swore towards her or name called. She started becoming more and more distant and then dumped me after I called a talk to fix the relationship. We have been no contact, which I said was necessary to protect myself from being more hurt by her, for six weeks. I still think about her way too often and am deeply depressed 95% of the time. Yelling at her was just me having bad day and trying to stand up for myself. Now it's the biggest regret of my life.

I wrote the following as a cathartic release for yelling at her. Should I keep it to myself? It is a little too long so I posted it on reddit and you can view it there.



Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't need to view your letter. Send it, live with no regrets. You can't guarantee she will read it, but chances are she will. If she truly loved you, it is a shame that this break up happened after one fight, you might want to re-think this relationship. If the letter does bring her back to you, have some serious discussions about what is acceptable behavior, and always RESPECT one another... I wish you luck, but again. Life is short, take risks, you either end up happy, or wise, one or the other...

    • I handwrote the slightly revised letter it yesterday, left it for her to find today. Thanks for the advice. I am not expecting anything back from it nor requested anything from it. I just had to get it off my chest, hopefully it's ok. I just wanted her to know, one last time. I knew I'd regret what I didn't say, more than what I would say.

    • Perfect I think you did the right thing for you. I have always said Take Risks, if you win you will be happy, if you loose you will be wise. But at least now your thoughts have been spoken, and hopefully you can begin to heal, and slowly move on. It is a process, but I promise you, I wrote one of those very letters on the 1st of September. I received no feedback whatsoever, but for me, I am better for it!

Most Helpful Guy

  • She can let loose with the excuse of PMS and shred you but you respond to that and you are in the wrong? This feels like groveling and, despite your words to the contrary, it sounds like you are trying to get her to come back to you.

    Reunite and this scenario will recur, probably with the same result.

    • It probably would have been helpful for me to say that we still work together and see each other. That's what I meant by the end of the letter.

    • Okay, but it still sounds like groveling. You said she unleashed a tor**** on you so she needs to accept some responsibility for what happened. Both of you engaged in unfair fighting tactics so mutual apologies would be in order.

    • I agree. I am not sure I'd get one, and I'm not sure I need one since it is likely over for all the reasons you've stated. I wouldn't mind the conversation (a very short one) that to ease the tension and awkwardness. Somebody has to start the conversation at some point. I told her not to contact me, and I think she is respecting that.

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What Girls Said 1

  • You will regret the things you didn't say more than the things you did. Send it.


What Guys Said 1

  • I will say send it, only because you said you knew her for 5 years.

    • Thank you for the reply. We also work together, for now, unfortunately.

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