Is it my fault that he lied to me?

My ex used to lie to me a lot, which caused me to mistrust him greatly, and then lead us to breaking up. But, what brought him to start lying to me I wonder if this was ever my fault.

I can get jealous -- I remember feeling jealous and uncomfortable with him because his ex-girlfriends were always hanging out at the bar that we went to. My solution -- when I started to feel anxious -- instead of just sitting there feeling uncomfortable I would need to just excuse myself for like 5 mins to recoup myself -- my ex absolutely hated this. I could have just made up another reason for leaving but no, I told him why. I think between having them around, and having him not okay or wanting to help make this situation better I think thats what caused me to feel anxious. (Or, I'm sure I could have just gotten over it, but he almost expected me to just be okay with them being there and hanging around us.)

I noticed the lies, probably around this time last year -- the lies were mostly about what he was doing. I'm not one to interrogate, but I'm sure its quite common to ask you're s/o "how was your day?" He used to say "I think I'll just have a night in tonight", then I'd find out that wasn't the case, and that he actually stayed out drinking. The first time I found out that, I let it slide... but it didn't feel right. Even if it was something innocent, it was still a lie.

Earlier this year, he befriended a new female co-worker. They became friends at an awkward time. Him and I were having a sort of rough patch, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Of course he kept them hanging out a secret from me. But I eventually found out. Again, they didn't do anything questionable -- they had lunch and what not together.

The lies about what he was doing, or who he was seeing continued.

<see update for more>

I found facebook messages with a former coworker of his that I felt were inappropriate. There was nothing really indicating that they were actually doing anything, but the texts were flirty and a little sexual. I know these texts could have be an inside joke but I was really upset.
I then confronted him, and he was so cool about it... which I thought was weird. I told him that this was unacceptable, and I wouldn't tolerate it. So he apparently stopped.
Then last month... the last month of us being together. He had this new coworker who he talked about a lot. I thought nothing of that, but then he once again lied to me about hanging out with her. And I found out because she told me. (I remember the day I asked him too, he said he'd gone shopping and had lunch with a different friend.) This basically did it in for me. And over the last month, my interest in him dropped so much.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You are acting perfectly fine by bein honest and sincere in a relationship. It is completely his fault for lying to you and wanting to go out and maybe cheat with other girls too. You seem like a great loyal girl, but he seems like a basic guy who likes to keep both a girl in home and still have fun outside huh


Most Helpful Girl

  • He made the choice himself to lie, trust me I'm going through a very similar situation, it's never anyone's fault besides the person who chose to lie. Just remember all the lying when he tries to come back to you, it's hard but you don't want to be with someone who hides part of their life from you. I tried to make it work with my ex, who also lied to me a lot about sinilair things you talked about, and the lies just grew bigger and bigger. Don't make the same mistake I did.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Two possibilities, a. He is a lier b. He loves you and lies to you to avoid worries.

    • but like, I feel like lying to "prevent worrying me" is really selfish. Like I told my partner everything, even the stuff I felt might bother him or worry him. Isn't it just better to tell the truth?

    • Like, he lied about letting a female friend stay over at his house one night, i remember that night, he said he wasn't coming over after work because he had a bad cold -- which he actually did at the time -- but really? He invited her over to his place, and she ended up staying the night -- on the couch apparently.

    • It is always better to tell the truth. A lie will lead to another lie.

What Girls Said 1

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