Please help me! I dont know what to do anymore?

Before I start can you please not tel me to move on because this is effecting me so much. I'm depressed. This guy well we went out a year ago and I fell in love so much but he broke up with me. It's been a painful year and he's had two girlfriends (currently with his second). He message me just over a month ago and we started talking, I felt on top of the world, he didn't want a relationship it was more of a friends with benefits thing. I was fine with. throughout the month we spoke every day about what we were gonna do to each other. I still love him. I got an injection to stop me getting pregnant we had it all sorted. It came to the time where he had exams and said he couldn't talk for a week while he revised but promised after he would talk constantly. After the exams were over we spoke that day he promised he would message me the next day, he didn't and when I confronted him about it he said he didn't know why. It got toFriday I got so mad and upset I had a go at him saying if he doesn't want to put effort in then forget this. He then said 'fine go'. I message him last night. A long paragraph apologising saying I still want to do this and some dirty phrases to seduce him. I then put 'what do you say to that?' And he put he wasn't expecting that and a laughing emoji. I then said so what did you expect. He didn't reply till after cadets (we both do air cadets, we had it that night ). He stared at me throughout the night. I went on messanger when I got home and found he's read it but never replied. I sat there for 2 hours. So when he went offline I sent a question mark, then a message saying 'dm what you were expecting what's your response cause Ik what I want it to be?😏'. And today he's been online but hasn't read it and I'm just so depressed. I'm fighting so hard to get him hack but I don't know what I need to do. I want to do stuff with him but how do I get him back without sounding needy?


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  • You were in a relationship with him and he broke up with you. After a year apart, in which he had two other girlfriends, you started talking again and you accepted an friends with benefits only basis, accepting that he wasn't offering a relationship whilst knowing that you still weren't over him and would likely catch feelings all over again.

    Now you are surprised that it's turning out badly? I'm not trying to sound harsh but if you don't take care of yourself and you keep walking into painful situations then how do you not expect to be in pain? This guy is not offering you anything but sex and yet you keep coming back to him and putting yourself through this. What do you expect will happen? Do you expect that he will miraculously have a change of heart?

    You really do need to stop kidding yourself because it's starting to become like self harm. If you keep walking into walls you can't complain about getting hurt. You are hurting yourself by refusing to accept that this just isn't at all likely to work. You even say at the start of your paragraph, "Please don't tell me to move on". The one thing that you can't handle hearing is the one thing that you really need to do.

    You can't just ignore the reality of a situation. He is not giving you what you want and you are not happy. You have him but you don't have him and that's like being tortured. Do you think that a long, drawn out torture is better than calling an end to the misery and focusing on healing?

    The longer you refuse to let go, the longer you will keep yourself in an unhappy place. Unless you are prepared to be strong enough to respect yourself then nobody can help you.

    • But I don't know how to let go. It took me a year to get myself back to normal where I still loved him but it didn't bother me anymore. I don't want to wait a year, and I don't know how to speed up the process either

    • The problem is that you put a huge hole in your progress by letting him back into your life and then by agreeing to an friends with benefits arrangement that you could have pretty much known would never be enough for you.

      Fortunately, as much as you might not believe this, it never hurts as much the second time as it does the first time. All the progress that you had made has not been lost. If you do find the strength to move him out of your life then you won't take another whole year to get past this. Not unless you choose to keep clinging on.

      Have faith in your strength. Also, understand that you can't avoid the inevitable anyway. If he refuses to commit anything more to you than sex then finishing with him will be inevitable. You can delay it but you can't avoid it. I would always rather deal with a short, sharp shock than a long, drawn out torture. If you make a stand now and walk away then it may hurt you but it will also give you a sense of pride and dignity, that you took control this time.

    • Ok I'll try thanks

  • Hold yourself together. I know it's easy said than done. The fact is, there are many great guys out there right who are looking for a girl like you.

    Of course you have the abilities to move on though it feels to you your world is crumbling.

    In my last breakup, the following worked for me; it could work for you too.

    # Step 1
    Accepting I cannot switch off my feelings for her like a switch light. By doing this, you are genuinely coming to terms with your helplessness—your inability to control forces outside your control.

    # Step 2
    Feel the hurtful feelings of breaking up rather than diverting attention from them. It doesn't matter if it takes days, weeks, or months. Diverting focus from the hurtful feelings slows down the recovery process.

    # Step 3
    I accept she is no longer with me, instead of nursing hope and fighting to win her back. This is the biggest mistake I made in my first breakup. It only heightens the pain and prolongs the recovery process. You are moving a away from denial to acceptance of the loss. Accepting one's fate is empowering—it's a mark of humbling heroism for a guy who never wanted to let go of the one thing that meant everything to him.

    # Step 4
    I focus on the good memories she brought to my life, and on things I would have loved to experience with her. This shifts my mind from hurtful to positive emotions. The mistake I made with my first breakup is I focused on her frailties to convince myself she wasn't beautiful enough. I was merely lying to myself because if she wasn't good enough I won't have been with her in the first place.

    # Step 5
    I remove items (e. g. clothes, cosmetics, pictures, etc.) that I associate with her. I also block and delete all her phone number, email address and other forms of communication like whatsapp, etc., including the contacts of some of her friends.

    # Step 6
    While carrying out the above five steps I engage quite a lot in activities, such as meditation, running, gym and strolling in the woods and park. I set important activities to do daily, and focus on completing them.

    # Step 7
    I draw inspiration from my first breakup. I flash my mind back and challenge my behaviours and thoughts. My world didn't crumble. I dated beautiful girls after that. I then flash my mind back to current breakup. It then suddenly changes my perspective, confidence and mood. It's like telling myself I have been through this before, and came out stronger 6 to 12 month after the breakup.


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