Getting over past cheating?

I am currently married with kids. my wife admitted to cheating on me several months ago. she cheated on me years ago, like9 years ago when we were like 20. when I was in college and she was home with our little girl. and at being 19-22 we were fighting every now and then and they happy. we fought over me going out all the time with the fellas and she hated me being at school, going out, and not being able to support financially. but we had a lot more happy time then bad.when I went out it wasn't to cheat it was to hang with the fellas. I did make a mistake and cheated once which I told her also several months ago. she had a past of cheating on her boyfriends before me. and has a bad relationship with her dad. we were together 3 years before she messed with that dude. the dude was coming over to visit her roommate she told me at that time. I told her to don't let him come over because I know what he's about..

The guy she had sex with was a guy I grew up with in a small town. which became both of our friends. my girl move in this small town. I never really messed with a girl down in my town because they been with all the dudes I hang with. so I was happy that she moved down here and didn't mess with anybody. and I told her that and I was proud about that. not the case anymore. we argue about it like twice a month and our relationship now is bad and good. I can't believe I just found out 9 years later. if I did back then we would have been done. I used to trust her, now I don't. I look at her differently like a hoe. she said she did because she was mad at me and wanted to get rid of me, then she said she just wanted the affection he was given. which I admit I'm not a very affection person and I know girls need that. she said she like him and was feeling him. which the girl I cheat with it was just sex that was it, 2 x no feelings. now that I know I asked a guy who is his friend- he told me she gave him oral and said intimate things to him, didn't use a condom.. and at that time she rarely gave me oral, doesn't really like it.. she said 2x but I think its more. she denies everything but I won't tell her who I got the info from. when we have sex I'm thinking is she thinking about him, was it good? is he better than me. I'm very insecure on my looks and sex now. of course she said it wasn't about the sex it was about affection, then y have it. she said it wasn't good, he was 2 min and small, then y do it again I ask. she said she doesn't know. she was also pregnant during this time and lost it. but she said he wasn't coming around then, but the guy said he was but don't know if they did anything at that time. how can she be so heartless do all that. people know here but haven't said nothing to me. but I know they know and I feel humiliated and don't want to go around those group of guys anymore. when I see them I feel embarrassed, because you know how guys talk, about sex, and I know the guy we were friends and he tells his sex stories. I think about cheating which is wrong. i cant get over


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You can still support the children from a new home. Get rid of this problematic relationship and help yourself stay sane. No offence dude but check this out:

    The first half of your question was about your past: Arguements, Cheating, Financial instability, and other bad things about your and her past

    The second half of your question is about the current day: She's still cheating, arguments are still happening, etc etc etc

    If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to see straight from all the emotions I would be feeling. The ex that cheated on me was part of my past, but I can still be her friend to this day. Last night she had an argument with some boy that was insecure about her talking to me, and I helped her realise things. This same method you can use to support her as a friend but not as an emotional crutch of support.

    When you let her get away with cheating, especially over 9 years like this, they aren't going to stop. You have the proof you need to move on. Just make sure that you don't cheat on anyone else and that you leave the past as the past. The children will survive whether or not they are with you; as human beings we naturally want to be together with the baby mama/daddy.. There's no sense suffering when you can end the suffering and still support them; that's just down right stupidity.

    So at this point, you need to realise that this girl hasn't changed and that she is still wanting to live in the past. Move on dude. You are worth more than that; it shows with the fact that you are still trying to get over the past to progress into your families' future.

    Keep your head on and pick your battles; she's not someone to keep around.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

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    • Running out is gonna solve anything, the only thing it brings is more problems...

    • Running out? From an abusive cheating relationship... Nice.

      So you're saying that he should sit there and suffer; while trying to support the children, only to make her suffer equally as much?

      NEWSFLASH -> Women don't cheat unless they aren't feeling fullfillment in their current relationship.

      So with that being said, your debate about running away - has just ran out the window. Feel free to try again. I said support the child, not the behavior. Read the answer before you respond.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Honestly, you guys don't have a healthy relationship at all. Both of you have cheated on each other more than once, which is just not right. She went about it the wrong way, she should've been able to talk to you about her feelings, and ask you for more affection if that's what she wanted. Also, if you knew she had a past of cheating on her boyfriends, then why even get with her? If she did it once, she can definately do it again. Now it's just a matter of trust, you guys have stuck it out for so many years, but if secrets like this keep coming up, it's not healthy for either of you, let alone your children. I grew up with parents like this, and it's not a good way to grow up at all. You and your wife should definitely get EVERYTHING out on the table, make sure you guys know everything about eachother's pasts, and if you can, start on a clean page. It will definately be hard, but if you guys really want it to work, and if both of you are willing to put the effort in, I'm sure you can do it. Just make sure the whole trust issue is fixed, because without trust, you can't have a healthy relationship.

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  • Wow this is a lot all I can say is both of you cheat it doesn't matter who did it more recently I think you two really need to take a step back in re evaluate your relationship. When she said he has a little d*** in went to do it again that's a lie she said that to make you feel better because why would she waste her time twice. I understand what she means when she states you don't show no affection that's what made me cheat on my man no affection, not spending time with me, all added to me cheating but what I learned from me cheating with my ex is I don't have to do that to try to make myself feel better by getting affection from someone else because if that's the case I will just leave him in move on next time. When I cheated on my ex he was hut real bad but I couldn't figure out why he was showing me he really cared about me like that for a year and a half in now you want to show you care by getting mad because I cheated. You need to always make sure home is taken care of first (meaning your women). What you don't do someone else will now my man has changed a lot after that situation with me and my ex-boyfriend sleeping together. See what he used to tell his friends is I got her she not going no where in I surprised him by bringing my ex from NYC to Maryland just to get what I needed. That killed him to his cure he stills talks about it every chance he gets but we are working through this but the funny thing has happened now I don't trust him in you no why because I couldn't even trust myself.

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  • for one, you seem to know waaay too much info. there comes a point to where details just pick away at a person. when trust is gone, it seems everything else falls apart. if you both can't start over from right now w/o rehashing the past, both having the same goal, the same desire to make it work, it never will.

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  • First: Learn grammar. Come on, your 30, and that was almost painful to read. I have better grammar, and I'm a kid. But anyway. Yeah, you don't trust her, and yeah, you're mad at her for cheating, but are you any better? You cheated to. Cheating is WRONG. Both of you need to see a marriage counselor, start fresh, and gain each others trust back if you want any hope of saving this marriage. And don't cheat again. I hate cheaters.

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    • Lay off the poor guy on his grammar. He is going through a very tough time right now, now is not the time to lecture him on grammar. Do not be so insensitive. No one likes some one who kicks people when they are down.

      btw. You used periods where you should use commas and you should have written "you cheated too," not "you cheated to."

      Work on your grammer. :-)

    • Haha, I meant to do the periods, but oops, I feel kind of dumb on that other part. Sorry, I am a grammar freak, it annoys the hell out of some people.

  • sorry to say - but you deserve each other if you BOTH cheated. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference if you didn't have feelings for the one you cheated with. Saying "just sex" is bull because cheating is cheating. You either need to get over it because you are just as bad as she is... or break up and move on. Hopefully you won't cheat on the next girl. Also... if at ANY time someone needs something that they aren't getting in their current relationship - that is NOT a ticket to do something with someone else. BREAK UP FIRST BEFORE FINDING SOMEONE ELSE. You tell her that and tell YOURSELF that too. You BOTH need to grow up and learn to have some respect for who you're with.

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What Guys Said 4

  • I think this is a very difficult situation and relationship has been problematic. I can understand the social and peer pressure - the humiliation - so if you want to give it a good start then I would suggest moving to a new town so at least this issue of friends is resolved.

    Also don't trust everything you hear from everyone, people have hidden agendas and all the details you hear may not necessarily be true.

    If you two can get things together and settled now, it will be good for you and your children. Nothing is ever late, and you can work on relationship now. Try couple counseling with some specialist psychologist, try discussing with each other, try bring someone elder from your family to sort things out. If you can forgive each other, then start a new life and forget the past. You both need to play your part for your children so they have a happy home. Don't blame each other, think about future. Try moving to a different place yourself so you both have time away from each other and able to think about it.

    What is past is past, forget it and think of the future. If you both can start afresh and promise not to cheat, then give it a try. Otherwise let her know that you have divorce papers ready and next time something like this happens, you aren't giving a second chance to her.

    Try working on it and see how it goes. If after 6 months things haven't improved and you both can't stand each other, then I think you should consider separation. It would be better for children and better for you, they deserve a better life and so do you. But give it 6 months time before making any decision. Sometimes time heals lot of wounds.

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  • OK, according to scientific studies nearly all women cheat on their husbands, they just are very good about waiting and they rarely ever get caught. So you are not alone in this. This is actually a common problem that never gets talked about.

    I think the real question here is the kids. Do you love the kids? Do you think the kids would be better off if the 2 of you stayed together or if ou broke up? You and your wife are not just a couple anymore, you are a family, you have a responsibility to think about this in terms of what is best for the entire family.

    There are a lot of questions to be asked here that would determine what you should do.

    1st. Did she express regret over cheating on you? Is she sorry for what she did? Is she sorry that she hurt you?

    2. Did you do the same for her? How do you feel about you cheating on her? Do you think it was a mistake? Did it feel like a mistake? Did you tell her that?

    3. The fact that it was a friend of yours makes it doubly worrisome. Have you talked to the "friend" did he express regret? True it was a long time ago, but f***ing another mans wife is a serious violation of trust, I do not know if I could get over that personally. If you choose to forgive him, you will still have to get it out in the open and discuss it with him first.

    ...I hestitate to say this next part, because it might ruin a perfectly good marriage and destroy a loving family, but I think you have a right to at least consider it.

    You may want to get a DNA test of your kids to make sure you are really their father. Statistically speaking, 20% of all children are not really the children of the man who is their father. Women are much more likely to get pregnant when they cheat. If your wife cheated on you once, she might have done so other times, and she might have gotten pregnant with other guys without telling you. Before you get the DNA test, ask yourself if you love your kids, and if you would love them even if you had adopted them and were not technically related to them.

    Its rough, but its probably the best thing to do in this situation.

    Talking to a marriage counselor or your priest or something might not be a bad idea.

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  • You guys need to grow up.

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  • dude you married a cheater what did you expect.

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