A reason or an excuse?

If I am "dating" a guy who says he can't commit to a relationship because he is moving abroad for two years, is it a reason or an excuse?! If he really wanted to be with me, would he? Bear in mind, I am in England, and in 3 months, he may move to NYC. I have already put a couple of questions on this site regarding the same thing. But I am trying to simplify it to get some answers! He also was in a 4 year relationship that ended not long before he met me. A lot of things he says or does makes it seem like he's in to me, but other times, he makes no sense.

I have been giving him space the past few months, and been seeing him occasionally, but not as much. Just been doing my own thing. I saw him a few days ago as I went to his gig. He invited me back to his while we were talking outside the venue.
We were outside with his brother and his brothers girlfriend, waiting for a cab, and he was saying to his bro how sweet I was, as I was the only person he invited who came. He then pulled me close and told me he had missed me (really tender voice)
really brightened up his life. At his place, we were almost going to have sex, but he said he doesn't want any surprises because he is leaving in 3 weeks. Even though we use extra safe condoms! He told me, "let's just hug, come here".
He then said "you're so beautiful" (again, in a really tender voice, like he was choking on air!) "You're such a beautiful person, inside and out. Don't ever doubt that, because I think sometimes you do". I had had a few drinks, and I started crying
a little. My head was in his chest, but I think he knew I was crying. I told him not to tell me I was beautiful (mainly because of the fact he is leaving) and he was like "why though? You are". I told him I was scared I was going to lose him. He said...
"You won't lose me. I am always going to be here for you. I hope you know that., you know that, don;t you?" Then I think I may have cried more, and he started kissing my head saying "I got you baby, I got you baby". And he said that a few times.
I am so confused now. I'm not thinking he's changed his mind about wanting a r/ship. But I think he either is starting to realize what he is about to lose, or he is trying to give me false hope, so I stay single? Or he just really cares? I don't know.
He also said "You can stay with me in NYC any time, any time".

Any words of advice for this very complicated situation. A friend of mine also told me I should tell him I am in love with him before he leaves. But this friend likes me so I am not sure
he is trying to sabotage my chances...but he seems like the in touch with his feelings type. Sadly, I think my guy is trying to protect himself from emotion. I do want to come clean and tell him him exactly how I feel. And also, when we are about to have
sex, which is very rare, he asks me if I have slept with anyone else. If he thought I liked him enough, he would surely know I wouldn't sleep with anyone else. Is he testing me/playing games/in denial about his feelings? I need advice! I am stuck! :(
He leaves for NYC in 3 weeks. I'm stuck in gloomy old London town :(


Most Helpful Girl

  • The situation makes sense. You're young, he's moving away for a long time and he also just got out of a long relationship. The guy probably wants to experience life no strings attached. Long distance relationships are hard, and maybe if you 2 were older and had done the single thing for longer, he'd be into it. But as of now I can't hardly blame the guy for not wanting to at the moment. Don't take it as a personal blow though. You could be the most amazing girl he's come across thus far and he probably still wouldn't do it considering the age/distance. If it was meant to happen it will.


Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • I don't think marriage is the answer in this economy. I am sure he can remaine faithful ; although have girlfriends or rather colleges in NYC. You may also, have an opening for him so if he finds a lover for a couple of shags in NYC and you too, that it would be enough to hold you both over till you can be together in marriage later. Be logical.

  • I'd say it's a reason, because moving abroad is a big step and to maintain that relationship is quite hard. So, in this case, I'd say he doesn't want a relationship, because he thinks this relationship won't survive the distance.

  • You shouldn't expect someone to put their life on the line for a partner. If it was meant to be then time and space won't matter

    • I don't expect him to put his life on hold. I just think we have too much of a good thing going on. But what can be done?! I guess, I should stop stressing, relax, and let fate take it's course!

What Girls Said 5

  • Why did you put "dating" in your question using quotes?

    You are seeing a guy who is not interested in a relationship with you. He probably enjoys whatever level of dating you have but he is not interested in more. Hopefully you are not having sex with him. Having sex with someone before you are in an exclusive relationship is a great way to end up with guys who will keep things casual and break your heart when you find out they want nothing more than that.

    Good luck!

    • Well, it's complicated. We slept together twice, as he didn't want to further complicates things. He said he would be keen for more if America hadn't come into the equasion. I would say I am dating him. It's just, one time he said we were "seeing each other" or at least implied it. Then a few weeks later, I said it, and he kinda freaked. So I don't know. We update each other every so often, so see what happens, I guess! But thanks for the comment!

  • He really said he CANT be in a relationship? It probably means he doesn't want to be caught in a long distance thing. But I have to say that if he was in love... he would at least give it a try. So my advice is... show him you are there for him, and that what you have is too good to give up on. (Besides he shouldnt miss out on 3 months of bliss)

    If after that he still says the same, then you have your answer... he prefers to be free, at least right now...

    • Thank you for the comment! :) I guess time will tell!

    • Also, how do I show him that we're too good to give up on?!

  • I pretty much think is a reason..it is probably hard for him to leave..and it will be way harder for him to leave if he is committed to you... don't you think? and it will be hard on you also if he moves and you guys have a long distance relation ship..and everyone knows that those never last. ..

    • Thank you! It just pretty much sucks! I hate it. I always meet guys that don't want anything. Then one comes along that possibly does...and boof, America comes into the picture! It's the longest I have dated anyone since my last r/ship ended 3 years ago! bummer

  • If he truly loved you, he would move sun and sky to be with you and stay with you. Consider that he maybe falling out of love, or at the least, have less passion for your relationship than you do..

  • Dnt do a long distance relationship. Its not worth it. Its hard enough keeping ur eye on a guy in the same city. Muchless internationally. Dnt say I dnt warn you.


Recommended myTakes