Are all breaks the kiss of death to a relationship? *Disclaimer* He is very recently divorced?

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. It's been somewhat unique due to his recent split from a 16 year marriage. He had some healing to do, but I had been in a similar situation 2 years ago, and understood what he was going through. We moved slowly. I always gave him space when he needed it.

With a few exceptions early on, in which he'd sort of push me away, we've had a relatively low conflict relationship and kept drama to the minimum. We had a great routine of date nights every other weekend (he has his kids on alternating weekends), and back in November, he began spending at least one night a week at my house.

His first post-divorce holiday season was a bit rough, but he seemed happy to lean on me as needed. We spent NYE together. The whole week between NYE and the breakup, no red flags, no signs anything was brewing. We never had fights. We had maybe 2 or 3 disagreements but they were usually resolved fairly quickly.

We had plans for him to spend the night at my place Saturday night. He came over around 4:30, we watched football, went to dinner, went back to my place to watch a movie, had wine, went to bed. I will say he seemed a bit more affectionate than normal, but he knew I had been sad about losing my dog the week before. Sunday morning, still all normal. Woke up, kinda laid in bed for a bit, he sat next to me on the couch, rubbed my back. At one point he got up to brush his teeth, and that's when I noticed he was acting strange. He started pacing and looking agitated. He had just quit smoking for the new year. He'd only had one cigarette a day while at work last week, but Saturday was his first full day without a cigarette so I figured he was having some pretty big withdrawals by Sunday morning.

Then he asked to talk. and he told me he needed to be on his own, without me. After some emails, he said he does NOT want a clean cut from me, just a break.

Are all breaks "the end"? Or can we eventually reconcile?


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What Guys Said 3

  • can reconcile

    you are mistaken to take on someone who is still reeling from their divorce. He may be feeling fear of getting serious again when he hasn't resolved what happened or disconnected from the other.

    so you have to accept that isn't resolved and accept ups and downs and however it goes.

    • We have both been mindful that he would have ups and downs. I've always let him know that if he needs me, I'm there, but if he needs to be alone, I will leave him be. He goes to therapy and his therapist sees no issue with him dating as long as we are both cognizant of how recent his break was. It wasn't a relationship we dove into without knowing the risks.

      I do agree he may be driven by fear. His marriage was very tumultuous anyway. His ex suffered from depression and is mostly likely bipolar. she wasn't kind and really did a number to his self esteem. He's always said my home brings him a lot of peace.

      Mostly, I think he just needs to be reassured that he CAN be independent. And I'm willing to give him the break he wants. We ended our conversations very civilly on Sunday, with him very grateful that I will still communicate with him. There's been no direct contact, but he is still actively reading my Facebook & liking statuses that have to do with things he and I have discussed.

    • ok, good luck with this. So your name "blind sided" is kinda a misnomer...

  • Yes they are. Don't even bother trying. Just move on. Successful couples don't take "breaks". You will not reconcile and ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after nor will you remain friends even if he suggests or agrees to it

  • Low expectations are a good strategy when dating divorced people, 75% fail rate if they marry again so less committed relationships will no doubt be much worse off. I think it's just to much pain for most people to properly heal from in 1 life time.


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