27 years gone? What can I do now?

Well, after a rocky 27 year relationship, she left three months ago, I bought a house three years back, she hasn't worked in six years (core issue for me), but she claims that I haven't "ever" wanted to spend time with her, and that I don't respect her time with friends.

I currently help her financially ($250 monthly), she's been gone three months, we've had a couple of dates, sex once, she stayed at my house four nights, three consecutively, yet she says she's not open to dating anyone.

She has dating profiles online, yet I'm fairly certain that she hasn't actually met anyone, she talks to me about our past for hours, and if I leave her alone for a day, she calls the next day for a friendly chat.

We have two boys, 16/25, I have the youngest as she moved in with her sister. She got a lousy job making minimum wage part-time, but claims she's getting her own place nearby.

I'd like to reconcile, but I'm afraid that she's gone in search of greener pastures, she doesn't show any desire to work out our past issues, including our mutual infidelity, (mine was the last, five years ago), she hasn't recently (2 years) mentioned any issues with felling alone or un-loved, and literally blindsided me when she left, a week and a half after getting her new job.

I've gone through my issues and addressed all of the big-ticket items, but I still can't get past the fact that her unemployment was a non-issue in her opinion, especially after she promised to be a partner in our future, specifically financially.

I don't want to feel like all hope is lost here, but the prognosis is pretty grim from my perspective.

Basically because she hasn't spent time time with our son much either, it's like life got too real for her, but now she's really dug herself a hole, she knows she can't do it alone. So I'm guessing my replacement is on order.
I asked her if it was so bad here today, and she replied, "It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that great either, I wanted change and it didn't seem to go anywhere, so I did"...


Most Helpful Girl

  • You are going to waste 27 years and not do anything about it?

    You need to win her back.. I believe you can do it. Stop wasting time here, get the mother of your children back.

    • Uhm. I'm busting my ass man. She doesn't want it. She's all over online dating, I haven't seen her in a week. And two weeks before that.

      It takes two. And she isn't in.

      She's holding on to the past, won't let it go.

      All I can do now is move her shit out, let her know that I'm no longer plan B, and hope for the best.

      She's playing games, posturing, and being ignorant of our son. I won't tolerate that, he didn't do anything wrong.

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    • Ok, you're followed, and we are "dating" again, she has a screwy schedule, so I don't expect to see her but once or twice a month. I'm crushed.

    • Just odd that she has reduced us to "dating" after so many years together. We never dated before, we just happened, 27 years ago.

Most Helpful Guy

  • There are basically two ways to approach this. You've suffered a great loss and are still suffering that loss. From here on, it's all how you approach it.

    Get a physical, get a gym membership and get out there, or sit around waiting and wondering when you will be replaced. Do the replacing!

    • Lol. Lost 70 pounds, best shape of my life, literally! As for replacing her, not gonna happen, I've spent my entire adult life with this woman, and it's absolutely devastating that she'd walk away for any reason.

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    • Then show her your still an attractive man. Prove it. Make her see what she's gonna be missing if she doesn't act. Oh, and in the future, if there is one, ditch the spares.

    • lol. They weren't really spares, just gal-friends, but I definitely understand the issue there.

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What Girls Said 2

  • You can't force your issues to be her issues, if she doesn't have a problem with her unemployment, you can't make her have a problem with it (or anything else you had a problem with), you have to accept it, it's her choice to make (you don't have to support her, but you have to accept it). If she doesn't want to reconcile then you can't make her want to do that either, and I suggest not stepping over intimacy boundaries since she has told you she has no interest in dating and you're just making it harder for yourself. It's time for you to accept what is not within your power or right to change, and focus on what you're going to do alone, because the relationship is over. It will work better if you compartmentalize what is to do with you and her and your kids, and then everything else that is personal or relationship related is kept separate and not discussed with her. It's time for you to stop thinking you decide how she "should" live or judging her life choices, you were her partner, not her parent, and even as her partner it wasn't your place to dictate how she lives, and now it's none of your business, I'm sorry but it's not, the relationship is over and you need to find a way to accept that.

    • Ouch man! I know you're right. She goes back and forth on the relationship issue, so it's really hard to get a read on it. I just figured after so much time, I'd deserve a little more respect than a quick goodbye. Especially after what life we have built together.

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    • Well, acceptance yeah, and I guess in your own words "let it be dead" means let it go and move forwards, which you kind of have to do.

    • Now I guess we are "dating".. weird.

  • I don't know her, but in my experience as a wife and a mum there comes a point in life where you wake up and feel like you've spent your whole life living the way other people have dictated. I look around and wonder if this life is something I choose to do or just something that happened because it was best for everyone. Getting out and independent seems like a legitimate way to be able to get enough space to look back and see if it is the life you want, then if you return to it you at least feel like it's what you personally have chosen.

    • Well, I can respect that somewhat, but what of the life, and lives, we've created together? This doesn't really justify the abandonment issues our son is now faced with, not to mention, she blamed me for everything, and slammed the door on it.

      Three months later, she's taken responsibility for a few of her mistakes, but says that it changes nothing.

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    • Lol. I love your insight Warmapplecrumble, drive me through this, help me to succeed! I've never dated. I've always been with her!

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