When in a relationship for 4 years and she breaks up with you?

because she needs her space and freedom (something she has never had) to just go out and enjoy friends because every ounce of free time she had she wanted to spend with me and not with her friends. Does it mean that it was my fault? I never told her not to hang out with her friends, whether it be guys or girls, I trusted her but she felt obligated to hang with me because of our distant relationship.

She does love me and care about me and she always will, she said so. She is just not IN-LOVE with me anymore right now and says she doesn't want to think about being in a relationship w anyone. She is going to travel and be with friend this entire summer and I know she has a crush/ likes a guy but she says and I know she has not gotten with him, I do know they have kissed and I don't think he will be an issue later on I think he was a rebound to help her prove to herself she is serious about this. I hung out with her a week ago and things were great (first time I saw her since the break up a month ago) and she told me she felt something like love for me again.

When I pushed the subject, which I shouldn't have, she told me she couldn't say those words and didn't want to lead me on. Yet, in the same breath she says I'm not in the picture right now, nor is any other guy, but I could be in the picture again down the road. Isn't that leading me on?!?!? She leaves the door open for me to believe!

I tried to reason and talk/text her out of this decision for about a month but to no luck there. 99% of the conversations were civilized and about 1% were mean and hurtful. She knew I was drunk that 1 time I said those things and I said them to help me actually move forward a bit. (she was glad I got angry at her for once) So I decided about 4 days ago to give her what she wants, space. I have had no contact with her at all and I plan on continuing to do so.

I don't care if she has sex with other people and I might have sex with other people as well, who cares its just sex. Yet, I know I want to grow old with her because she is my best friend and I enjoyed every moment over the last 4 years I had with her.

What do I do besides giving her space/time and me going out and meeting new people? She knows I am still in love with her so I don't need to prove that I need to prove I am devoted to her for the long haul and I trust and respect any and all of her decisions.

Answer these:

-was it my fault?

-Is there a chance for the future?

-Do you think she misses me after 4 days of no contact? ( I know I miss her!)

-What should I do over this time? I know the generic answer of meeting new people and doing fun things and working on myself, I have all that down. Yet, what can I do that will help me help get her back in my life after this summer/ fall?!?!

Side note: she said she needs to "date" other people to see other opportunities (I was her first REAL relationship) I'm fine with that because I understand that. She says if were meant to be we will be...I wish I knew now
forgot:1)I'm her first real relationship 2)this is her last chance to be free...starts job and masters in fall for next 5 yrs! 3)last 8 years she has been committed to something, me,sports, school, this is the last summer she gets to do whatever she wants


Most Helpful Guy

  • Is it your fault? Yes and no... You didn't know what was on her mind and what she wanted, however she was looking for something that you didn't give her or stopped giving her. You either stopped being a challange, stopped being a man in her eyes, got too clingy... Is there a chance for the future? Not if you stay "friends" with her. Does she miss you? THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER. She left you to find other men to be with and that's all you need to know. What should you do? Date other women, ASAP. She even told you that she "needs" to date other people. She wants to see what's out there that you didn't "offer" her. Don't be friends, and don't be her shoulder to cry on. Giving a woman "space" is her trying to let you down easy. In the future, don't treat a woman with respect or you will always go through things like this. She has probably met someone else and is with him already. Women always have someone else waiting for them. Would you quit a job without having another job lined up? That's how women treat men in relationships. She is not IN LOVE with you, but she wants to have her cake and eat it too by having you in her life while she meets other men, gets another boyfriend, and has a future with him... You may by thinking, "she's not like that, she's different, and she wouldn't do that to me", but I am telling you that she will, and sooner than you think. Move on, and don't look back for your sake.

    • I'm not her friend I told her I never would just be friends with her. I'm not her shoulder to lean on and I'm not going to be there while she is with other guys. I said I will meet new people as well but there is no way she or anyone for that matter could know that a person is "the one" if they were their first real relationship...u have valid points for everything but honest truth is she doesn't want anyone...4 year relationship, 1st and last chance to b "free" she is taking it..read the new update

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What Girls Said 2

  • I'm sorry to say but this doesn't sound very optimistic to me. Was there maybe a specific incident that lead up to her breaking up with you? It sounds like she's just fallen out of love. Are you perhaps too predictable? Too nice? Plain? Young girls (i'm assuming she's young since you are) are especially attracted to the 'bad' side of a guy..or if not 'bad' per say, then simply someone who has an exciting unpredictable side to them. Remember, a woman eventually looks for security but not necessarily at this age.

    I personally see a problem with you saying that it's okay for her to sleep with other men- as in you're okay, it won't affect you? True love means intimacy between two people, ONLY two people. I'm not naive, I know people cheat but if you're willing to be intimate with another person other than your partner then in my definition that's just not love. Whatever the feelings between the couple in the relationship are not strong enough to survive the bad times that lay ahead. And trust me your life is surely going to test you. Committment, LOYALTY, respect... there can't be a third person involved EVER if you want to be in a TRUE relationship.

    Sounds like she's into someone else. I'm sorry. I know it's hard to understand but it doesn't really ALL have to have a reason or make sense. That's what hurts so much. It's probably not you because she'd tell you. Sounds like she feels a little guilty or maybe she's just sensative about your feelings. She loves you. But she's starting a new chapter. She doesn't want to burn bridges so she's nice to you AND she doesn't want to hurt (because she loves you and because that would make her a 'bad/mean' person. She's into another guy. He doesn't have to be better than you so don't compare. They've got chemistry, it's all it takes.

    I'm sorry for being so blunt but you did ask. This is my opinion, my honest opinion. I've gone through a lot and I've seen a lot and it just sounds like she's walking away. It'll hurt for a while but time does heal and I know how cliche it sounds but it's very true.

    Does she miss you? Probably but not as much as you are because she's no longer in her normal routine. She's out and about. Time is slower for you... here's my advice if you want to try and get her...

    PATIENCE. It all has to do with time. If you truly believe 'this is it' then first of all, don't go sleep with other girls. Broken up or not, if you'll be trying to convince her to be with you at a later stage (be it weeks, months) then I think it says a lot to a girl if you tell her that you haven't slept with anyone since you guys broke up. Talk about committment right there! That's impressive, I mean you COULD have but didn't. Secondly don't get all 'too nice' with her. It's not attractive...remember we all want an exciting side to the man... take up some new activities...meet new people... be interesting! Make her curious and wonder about you that way.

    There is always a chance.

    • Incident no...she is going through a lot of changes in her life and it sounds crazy but this summer is her last chance to be "crazy"...1 thing she made sure I knew was that she talked to many married couples and asked them if they ever dated other people between their initial relationship and marriage and she said many of them did, and that we could be like that. This other guy is gone for 5 weeks and then she is gone for 3 weeks so I mean things will b different. Patience is key for me!

    • Forgot I only say its ok to have sex with other because we aren't together right now...when I did see her I told her I can see and her eyes she loves me and she didn't deny it for a second. We did have sex and she said she didn't "use" me so this is why I'm so confused....she's "excited" about being single but keeps the door wide open for our possible future

  • look, I mean don't you think that if she was madly in love with you she wouldn't want all this SPACE and thinking about what's available around the corner. Okay so she will go on vacation.. she will still go on vacation during her masters, when she works, etc. Girls don't usually come up with excuses for why they can't be with their man. The right girl that will give you the love you deserve back will want to take you on board and incllude you in her life, esp through a time with lots of change. The fact that she doesn't want you around is not a good sign. :(

    • I don't want to sound stubborn or anything haha but I have accepted the fact were not together. We went through many changes in life together but I feel like she doesn't know herself and we need to mature on our own to figure ourselves out. She feels like she can't offer anyone full commitment because she is so driven towards work/school. She and I both want space but a lot of people do from time to time and still end back together...add me as a friend I would like to con't this convo but not here

    • How can I add you if you're anonymous?

    • Just realized...i requested you just now

What Guys Said 2

  • She is confused. It is not your fault.

    You both can grow a lot by doing your own things and dating other people. If after that you both get together again, it will be better and stronger.

  • Don't bother with her ever again. That pig could have hung out with her friends. How the sh*t did she need space and freedom when you have a long distance relationship? Forget her.

    • As I said above she needs space because every second of free time she had she spent it with me...she couldn't spend time with friends because she had no time...she was a D-1 Athlete so she was spending 18 hrs a day practicing and studying and working out...there was no time for the extra fun stuff...when she got even a little ahead she would visit me....thats why she needs space in a distance relationship to create time for her friends

    • You also said that you didn't mind that she spent time away from you and told her that, so I think she didn't like you anymore.

    • Well none of this matters now but I told her/didn't mind her spending time away from me because she was neglecting her friends so badly to be with me...i've moved on already from her...thanks for the help

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