Question regarding a breakup?

So. After 27 years of relationship, or whatever it was. My ex moved out, and has been gone for three months.

We can't talk about anything without it starting a fight. But we have sat on the phone for hours fighting. And I mean we're talking about 15 hours this month, and three of the calls were a marathon of two hours or more.

We can't agree on a damned thing right now, but this phone call business persists.

Why? Opinions please.

Keep in mind, I want her back, and she says that now isn't the time.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't know what's going on there but there are some things I recommend after a breakup after doing all sorts of wrong things myself and learning the hard way:

    1) Stay attractive! What this means exactly will vary based on what your girl finds attractive. A safe bet is keeping it easy, fun, light, humorous, charming. Arguing a lot might not exactly attract her to you.

    2) Do not seek fairness, seek improvement. Forget the idea of fairness. People have very subjective interpretations of events and what's unfair/fair. When couples, especially broken up couples, start demanding fair treatment, it generally leads to the perception for both of you that you are being treated even more unfairly. This is often how arguments escalate and escalate. If you find yourself in this situation, stop focusing on fairness. Focus on what you need to do and say to improve the relationship, not to set it straight towards some path of justice.

    3) Don't dwell on the past so much. Focus on present and future. You don't want to repeatedly bring up memories to the girl that reminds her of why she left in the first place. Also you don't want to try to get too sentimental and even dwell on good memories together, as that becomes a heavy-handed way to try to make her feel something (she'll notice). Don't worry, she's not going to suddenly forget the whole history of the relationship. Avoid talking too much about this history.

    4) Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but too much makes it wander. It might sometimes be worth avoiding contact for some period of time, not too long, to give her a chance to miss you. Also if she's in a bad emotional state, a brief period of not communicating with each other should help her cool down.

    Try these things and hopefully you can charm her back to you.

    • Most of all stay attractive. Avoid trying to rationalize with her to get back to you. Don't be like, "We're so good for together. You need me." You want her to form these thoughts herself, not try to force her to think that way. Don't try to pull her to you. Don't be heavy-handed. Attract her back to you.

    • Show All
    • Cheers to kicking ourselves in the butt and hopefully jump-starting things again.

    • Amen to that!

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  • You have been in a relationship with here for 27 years but not married?

    • her* damn auto-correct

    • It's a long story, but we decided not to ruin a good thing by getting married

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