So confused! I'm desperate help me!

OK I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we have been close friends for 3 years. I love him.. I really do but I think I love him as a friend. I am attracted to him, he is very good looking... but I'm not sure I am in love with him. I mean, with my ex boyfriend things were so different, the way I felt for him is so different from the way I feel about my current boyfriend. Also, I think he might feel the same way... there are days that we don't even kiss, we do tell each other we love each other, and he is attracted to me.. and he gets jealous of other guys I talk to... but I'm not sure we are in love with each other. I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want to risk hurting him... I love him...as my best friend. We have nothing in common..and well I feel attracted by other guys.. this never happened with my last boyfriend.. with my last boyfriend of 2 years I never had a single doubt, and for one year out of those two it was a long distance relationship! This may be the problem too.. I don't think I'm totally over him. I don't know what to do ... HELP!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • ok similar situation I went through... this girl at the time I only was in a relationship for a few months and our love grew very fast...we went to seperate colleges and distance was hard. one night she got drunk and kissed another guy. she DID tell me about it because she felt horrible. When she told me I actually tried to break up with her lol but she held onto me for dear life and wouldn't let me leave the room! after I got her off me finally I got out the room and was in her dorm hall way and I was just thinking to myself it was just a kiss! I sat in her hall just thinking am I really about to walk out on a girl who loves me and cares and who I love also because of a kiss! well to end the story I walked back in the room and scarred the sh*t outta her and said if she ever did anything like that again I would never talk to her and blah blah blah...we had a 4 year relationship and a happy one too after that incident and just broke up about a month and a half ago...break up had nothing to do with cheating it was just time to do our own thing for awhile and maybe we will get back together one day the door is still open for that possibilty...but you need to be honest and take whatever comes your way, if he finds out some other way he will never trust you again but if you tell him yourself there is a chance that trust could be restored

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    • Ill try talking to him if there is no other way out... but that solution scares me!!!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • I guess you posting this is a sign of the times. You already know the answer, but you're probably looking for confirmation and rationalisation of thinking that way. If there's no sexual attraction to each other, then really you're in a strong friendship, and it's possible to love someone, and not be in love with someone.

    Heck I get jealous when my female friends talk to other guys, even if I have no feelings for them; it's just a case that you're not getting their full attention, just for the sake of having attention.

    Though in all fairness, I wouldn't be comparing this current relationship with the prior relationship. By doing so, you're assuming that you haven't grown emotionally in between the two relationships; the situation is not the same, and you're not the same person as you were back then. It's like comparing a mandarin to an orange. They look similar and taste similar, but it's the subtle differences which make it unfair to compare the two, using the same yardsticks.

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  • hey...the thing is that he is ur best friend, so if you have an doubts regarding ur relationship with him then you should discuss that with him because hiding something from him will make it even more worse. May be you guys don't have that spark in between because you guys are best friends. But I think if he is ur best friend then he is the best guy for u. You guys can develop those feeling with time. Just don't hesitate before asking him. May be he is expecting you to initiate and same would be ur thinking. Just go on a romantic trip or have a romantic date somewhere, so that you guys can come closer as a couple. And if it's still not working then just tell him that you are not comfortable with him in a relationship..but it can slightly effects ur friendship, for sure.

    take care and make a right decision.

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    • Maybe you're right.. but shouldnt those feelings have developed after almost a year dating? and I wish I could talk to him.. but I don't want to lose him as my best friend...he means a loooot to me. Ill try the romatic date, might be a good idea, but yeah I do wish he would have started it...I mean it was actually me who started the relationship becuase I was attracted to him.. which makes me feel like such a bitc* becuase now its me who has a problem with it.

    • If they didn't develop then they didn't develop... I think you rushed into him while the spark with your X was still there... you should of sorted your feelings with the previous guy before setting a new commitment with another. if ur attracted to other guys then eventually you will tend to cheat or have the intentions to do so. and that would cause disrespecting yourself before disrespecting him. Communication, honesty and balls is what you need now... stop it before it gets nasty or else it will

    • Yeah, you're right. Actually I talked to him a few days ago.. maybe it was sunday..maybe monday...Anyhow.. He said he loved me very much and that he knows things aren't going great but that he is just feeling really stressed and depressed lately over a bunch of things. So we had a long talk, and well, in the end he said he was feeling better now after talking to me...and that was it lol. I'm still a bit confused. I don't think we reached an actual conclusion.. but well, at least he's feeling better

  • first,how overly jealous does he get,and does he get angry, if he gets angry in a sense..maybe you should let him go..second,its the best thing to fall in love with a friend that's already a boyfriend...but the jealous part..dont rush this relationship yet..if ur attracted to other guys...its natural...some guys look good...and there a magical ghost that think for you "psychic", so maybe all those emotions and thoughts aernt yours. maybe you guys don't kiss cause he wants to ...maybe I should stop, here.. like what you should do , and see about the angry part...y would you talk to other guys in the first place..? maybe you don't know what ur doing as of right now..pen and paper and just seeing all the paranoia emotions when you go back on ur day..maybe that will help

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    • Well most of my friends are guys, so that's why I talk to other guys.. he he I always get along with guys better than with girls. and well... about the angry part, yeah he doesn`t get too angry but I think its because I know how to calm him down before he freaks out he he he.

  • Theres no point in asking advice for something like this, go with your feelings and see where the wind takes you, maybe that ex still has feelings for you... in any case if he is your best friend and you're attracted to him, it's not all that bad for you is it?

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    • True, he is my best friend. Plus I mean, I guess all couples have problems. Oh, and we talked a while ago about all of this (well.. the main things), and the other day he wrote me a beautiful poem apologizing, and he brought me roses. I think he can make me happy, or at least I know he'll try.. so I'll try too.

      And the ex... sometimes I think he could have been the one...but then again, I doubt the one would have gone with someone else less than a day after our first serious fight.

    • Sounds like it's going good, he's probably not been exciting recently and that's why you've lost intrest lol

  • Better boyfriend or friend? Take the steps to move on or grow with the relationship. What about his ex's? Does he still talk to them? Time to think about where ya'll are going. All in or fold.

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    • Well.. I'm his first girlfriend. He is not the most sociable guy when it comes to talking to girls. I guess that's why we started going out.. I usually hang out with the guys. But, me hanging out with guys also means most of my close friends are guys and so he gets jealous more easily. And plus, me ahanging out with mostly guys as my closest friends leads to a LOOT of confusion.. of the same kind, like do I like him or is he just a close friend... I'm a total mess!!! lol

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    • True, I guess he has the right to worry. But just to clarify... what I meant is that I started dating him not because I liked that he didn't talk to girls, but because I was the only girl he talked to. In other words... since I am the only girl he gets along with.... I was the first girl he ever felt close to. I wouldn't really mind at all if he talked to other girls.. he just doesnt. but yeah, maybe I should try to spend more time with the girls..

    • Ok, kewl. Your number one. Sounds like he won't find anyone better. Roll with it and be happy.

  • buy the kama sutra

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    • Lol I'll keep it in mind ;) .

What Girls Said 10

  • U love him as ur best friend

    and you don't think ur in love

    you have to take this slowly

    I know its hard to choose

    but if you wanna break up with him

    heres some advice

    #1 Don’t leave opened doors

    When breaking the news to a guy that it is over, be crystal clear that it is absolutely O-V-E-R. It may seem nice to offer the possibility that one day in the future, you two will find your way back into each other’s arms, but this gives the poor fella false hope. And with false hope come drunken calls at 3am, asking if you are ready to take him back yet. So be kind and make it clear to them that they need to move on.

    #2 Don’t let him be the last to know

    Sure, talking through your feelings with a friend can be helpful when working up the courage to break things off, but try to limit yourself to how many people heard the test-run of your dumping speech. Eventually someone is going to blab… and when he finds out from someone other than you, he’ll feel more devastated and very much humiliated.

    #3 Don’t use gadgets

    Seriously, girls… Get some woman courage and tell them in the face - answering machine, emails, text messages, post-its and faxes are not cool ways to break up. This will only put you in his Worst Girlfriend Hall of Fame for life.

    After all, you have ‘taken’ so much of his time and affection… you owe it to him to sit down, face to face and tell him it is over and that you are sorry.

    #4 Don’t over react

    If you’re breaking up because you are angry about something, express yourself. But remember that you are not a victim. You can come and go as you please, and you are. If you are angry, chances are you are mad at yourself for not seeing who this person was earlier, or for not trusting your own instincts.

    #5 Don’t fake excuses

    Okay, you don’t have to tell him straight in the face that he is boring, weird, smelly or what-not… but lying your way out of a relationship is almost always going to backfire. If you want either one of you to maintain your dignity, tell him the truth.

    You don’t have to be brutally honest, though. You can try something like, “I just don’t feel a connection with you.”

    #6 Don’t linger too long

    Keep it short and sweet, quotes Stephany Alexander, relationship expert at womansavers.com. No breakup should last more than 30 minutes. You don’t need to give him every reason that you want to end the relationship – just name one or two main problems and be done with it. The faster you do it, the faster you’ll feel better.

    #7 Don’t be part of the drama

    A guy with wounded pride and hurt feelings can get verbally abusive, so try to calm the situation with silence. Don’t engage with him, just listen, be quiet and don’t respond. Don’t fuel the fire by defending yourself. Let him get it all out, and then leave.

    #8 Don’t hover the break up

    Keeping in your feelings about what just happened may be overwhelming, and may cause you to want to call your ex for contact or comfort.

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  • if he is your best friend he will understand. just lay it out nicley. and especially if you feel your attracted more to other guys. and if you don't even kiss some days. Love is complex, it won't feel the same for each person you date.

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  • Ok.. I am studying Psychology. I understand where you are coming from. Because that is natural to happen after dating for long time. There is this pleasure chemical called Dopamin, you get this for about 8 months of dating, then it fades ... that is why most people break up after that time period. That is why its not good to mary somone before 8 months. That whole love feeling fades after a while, so my Psych professor said its best to be with somone who is like your best friend and who is more like you, that way even when those chemical die you still stick together because you get along. No matter who your with after being in so long, that firstime feeling is going to dissapear after time. So I think as long as you guys have a lot in common and get along well. You feel comfortable and you click with him stay with him if not then move on. With your ex thing probably because you barely saw him that you still have that feeling and it was long distance. However, if your ex is like your best friend and you guys have lot in common then stick with him, but the problem is you don't really know that much, because he is far.. hope that helps

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  • I think that you are still looking to date new people. I am sure that if you guys are close friends for 3 years, you have developed some deep feelings for him. otherwise, you guys will not be dating. just be careful that you do not confused true love with superficial love. you said it yourself you dated your previous boyfriend for 2 years but 1 year was LDR. If it was meant to be, you two will still be together now. Did you know many sucessful marriages are from close friends who fell in love but love at first sight.

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  • From what you wrote, it doesn't seem that you guys totally don't love each other.

    I mean there are times in every relationship where the spark goes off, and you don't feel that much of love, but that doesn't necessarily means you don't love each other.

    Details is a great way of knowing if he loves you or not. Like does he still pays attention to you? Does he care much about you? Can you guys live without each other? What things do you not like about each other?

    Sometimes when you are in the relation you feel like you love him just as a best friend, if that's true, then you shouldn't be together. If you guys break up, you're might feel like you were wrong, and that you love him, but that would be because you miss him

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  • OK maybe this is a GREAT relationship because you siad your OTHER ones were GREAT and see where those relationships are NOW they SUCK ... maybe this is a GOOD relationship BUT your just not looking at it that way because your OTHER relationships have been the SAME I DON`T KNOW... but you CANT be sure of it if you DONT talk about it... and remember your boyfriend is BEST when he's your BEST friend

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  • Sounds like you just love him as a friend. I realized that I was in a relationship like this before, I thought I loved him- but now I have a boyfriend and I know what true love feels like. If you've known each other for three years you probably won't fall in love with him, and you should probably tell him the truth. It may hurt him, but not as much as if you ran off with someone else with no warning. There's no way to get around one of you being unhappy.

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  • I think you already know he's a friend and not boyfriend material. It's easy to get comfortable with someone that you already have a bond with, but if there is no spark, he will always be just a friend. Is this something you feel comfortable talking to him about?

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  • Well first of all see what happened with your EX-boyfriend if you guys were in love as much as you say you wouldn't have broken up. And you know if he isn't kissing you everyday he's most likely noticing that your not sure about your guys relationship. The only one in the way of your relationship is yourself. Stop thinking of your ex your relationship is fine women when they are serious about guys they often doubt that they should be with that person it just means you really love him!

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  • wait do you want your ex back

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