How many of you have, or would, break up with you man/woman if he/she was in, or joined the military?

I love my Boyfriend so much, and everyone just knows we will get married. The only problem is him being in the military. Military life is something I just don't want to deal with, and I've been trying. I just don't think I can do this. I know it's wrong and selfish to ask him to get kicked out on purpose, and I don't want him ruining his future or facing jail time because of me, but I'm certain that it will put him over the edge if I leave him. He tells me all the time that I'm the reason he can keep going. I don't want to be with a military man. Please don't ask why I'm with him, it's because I love him. Please don't tell me I'm weak or that I don't really love him, not everyone can handle this sort of thing, and I sure as heck have been trying.

How many of you have, or would, break up with you man/woman if he/she was in, or joined the military?

  • I have left a good man/woman because of the military
    1%(2)1%(2)Vote0%(0)
  • I would not date a military man/woman
    19%(38)24%(66)Vote37%(28)
  • It all depends on them, I'll at least make an effort
    34%(66)34%(91)Vote33%(25)
  • I would not leave if it was working out very well
    46%(89)41%(112)Vote30%(23)
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Updates:
OK I was very upset when I posted this and not thinking clearly. He offered to get kicked out on propose to keep me, and I don't want him to do that. He also threatened going AWOL to find me if I ever left him.
His dad just called me to talk about all of this. Yes I stated that I don't want to rush into a marriage, but his dad just told me that I have his blessing. His parents would be happy for us if we decided to do that!
OK, I really don't want to get married now, it's for the wrong reasons, but I do really love him/want to be with him. Getting married would enable us to live together. He will be 2 days car travel away from me, making "dating" him near impossible.
I can't afford to move and live on my own/pay my own bills, plus I can't manage myself due to a personality disorder. Getting married would solve both problems.
Once again I'm NOT really wanting that right now, but I now want opinions/advise on that, thanks!
OK, as I stated, I wasn't thinking clearly at all when I wrote this. I'll also admit that I was being very selfish and only thinking about how hard this is for me. It's hard for him too. Here is what my REAL issue was/is:
I've had nothing but bad luck with long distance and I just did NOT want to do it. But this guy is too perfect, for me. Everything is just right. I can't lose him. We have all talked; me and him, we have both talked to both sets of parents.
I'm not going to get a chance to get to know him any better than I do now. I can't go with him unless we get married. We are all so certain that this is going to work, so it's been decided. We are getting married.
Please don't comment telling me I'm stupid or w/e this is our choice. Thank you all for the advise I don't need anymore answers.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You might want to not get married if you can't deal with long-distance relationships. That's the nature of the military. If he is career then he will probably lose you, so you should ask him about it to get it over with now rather than later. The longer you wait the more painful it is to separate. If he does love you, then he will resign as soon as able and change careers for you. That's called sacrifice.

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    • He's still in tech school. He has 4+ years ahead of him once he get's to his duty station which isn't till sept. I can't wait for him.

    • Show All
    • OK I KNOW marriage would be a bad idea right now and I'd rather wait, but if I can tough this out and stay with him, what are your opinions on a possible marriage? What would suggest to be the best way? He wants marriage and kids eventually. And I want that with him too, just not right now. The money would sure solve most of our problems, because then I could live with him.

    • I have seen WAYY too many military marriages go wrong because people jump into marriage because "money will solve their problems." Do not do that; it does not work. Wait. If you can't wait, don't stay with him. There are plenty other guys out there. If you don't know him well enough now to marry him and you're having doubts, the last thing you want to do is jump into marriage.

What Guys Said 9

  • I don't believe in war, or anyone who does.

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  • If you really want to keep him then marry him or live with his parents at least until the marriage. Hold off on the kids until he gets back. I'd still recommend you move in with his parents if you can't get the support from your present living situation or even your own family. Your parents and you communicating to your boyfriend will smooth things out. It actually makes the long distance relationship less painful.

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  • Wait until after the deployment for everything. Take a year for marriage, and then take another year or so for children. You want to time it right so that he will actually be around more during those events rather than apart.

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  • You don't need to get married then.

    What if you both drove and met half way? That's 1 day travel to be together-that's worth the hassle. Hell, go with his parents when they visit.

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    • I can't afford any kind of travel and his parents work for the school system. I'd still only be seeing him once every 6 months for a weekend here and there.

  • Congratulations...now you have his parents' support to help you cope. Ever thought of living with them while he is gone? They can help you cope with your problem while he is away.

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  • Him going AWOL isn't good and will create problems now for the relationship. All you can do is support him to keep it healthy.

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  • i mean seriously, you should redefine what love is to you; and what amount of love equals marriage.

    then you may want to remember that if you want to marry somebody...then THATS IT, THATS A WRAP. that is what marriage and love are supposed to be- you stick by the person that you 'love' so much NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, because if that doesn't hold true..you honestly have no business marrying this person.

    thick and thin

    richer or for poorer...remember?

    anything else is a disservice to you both and will just end up deeply hurting both of you.

    being in the situation you are in with that in mind- don't forget how high the divorce rate is.

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  • Military men and women are people to be proud of (generally speaking), and they need love too, so I don't like how you viewing it since people never choose the jobs of their lovers, and you can't choose when to start a war on your own.

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    • I'm a little confused by your answer. I am very proud of him, and at first I was on board and fine. The distance has started causing us problems. He offered to try and get kicked out to keep me, which I don't want him screwing up his life like that. I'm just worried that he wil do something stupid just to keep me happy.

    • Aww! sorry, you didn't mention that you're actually on a relationship with a soldier from the beginning, I thought you were asking if wether to consider such a relationship or not... well, I guess from the details you have added that you both care a lot about each other and there is true love, you shouldn't be pressuring him, try to handle this distance as hard as you can and I'm sure things will get better someday, do not lose him only because he can't be there all the time.

  • well actually this is a really good Q and one that I have as well. cause I wanna join the air force but I have a girlfriend who isn't so excited about the idea and we didn't know what to do about it.

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What Girls Said 13

  • Is he career military or just in for one stint? Not all that hard to wait for a guy who in 3 or so years will be out, but it is a rough life for a spouse of a career military person. God knows we need these wonderful men and women in the military to keep our lazy butts free, but living the life of a spouse is just as tough. Unless you are part of it I am not sure you (me included) can know what it feels like to see the love of your life heading off to these war zones not knowing if you will ever see them again.

    I'm quite certain if going in you are not ready for this life, getting married and hoping for the best is not going to get better!

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    • I am VERY proud of him. Our problem is me being able to follow him to his duty station. I'm not ready for marriage....yet, and his duty station is going to be 2 days away by car. I can't afford to go with him unless we get married.

    • I respect your decision and wish you bot the very best . Hope there are many happy years to follow for the two of you.

      P.S. Give that guy a big hug from all of us for what he is doing for our country!

  • My husband and I got married last sept and earlier this year he joined the military. I never thought I could make it on my own without him here with me because we also have a one year old. It is really hard not having him here to be next to me and help me take care of our son, but I could never leave him for bettering his life and providing for our future as a family. We got married because he knew he was going to join the army soon and we couldn't stand the thought of him being away and not being married. If oyur having any doubts about getting married then you shouldn't rush into it. My husband and I were together for 3 1/2 years before we got married we knew we would get married one day, but with him wanting to join the army we knew we should go ahead and go forth with the wedding. I think that if you really love him you will be able to make this work, even if he is far away. Its true that if your married when he joins that you will get benefits and possibly get to move in with him after awhile, if the military allows it. Don't rush into anything though, but I think that you could make it through this. Don't let him get kicked out that would look really bad on his record if he ever tried to get a good job.

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  • It seems like, from what you've been saying, that you are feeling pressure from his parents and from him to get married right away, even though you're not feeling ready. If you've voiced your concerns as clearly as you say you have, and they listened to them, then it seems like maybe he isn't quite perfect for you, as it seems like he isn't listening.

    If him and his parents aren't listening to you now, about you not feeling ready, then how would it be like in the future if you did get married? Would they listen to you them? Based on the information you have given, it seems like they wouldn't listen to you if you voice your concerns. If this is the case, then its not a positive thing about your relationship.

    He threatened to ruin his career if you left him. This, personally, gives me the impression that he is needy and clingy. If this is true, then maybe its another reason you guys shouldn't be together.

    I think that you and him, very importantly, need to sit down and talk about your feelings. I think that it should be done in a constructive and non-critical way, and with respect to the other person's feelings, so that your issues can be resolved in an adult way. Otherwise, its just unnecessary drama.

    Let us know how your chat turns out, and good luck. I hope it works out for you guys :)

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    • Oh, no no no! Neither of us wants to rush in including him. His parents love me as family and have stated that what we do is out choice and they will be happy so long as he is happy and we don't do anything immoral/illegal. And we are both quite afraid to lose each other. Originally, it was an issue of us not having the money for me to accompany him unless we got married.

    • Ohhh okay, sorry for misunderstanding you.

  • you really need to re-evaluate the reasons and the means. you should never ask someone to fail for you and you shouldnt want to be with anyone who would fail for you. being with him but not supporting him really isn't helping him any. he could go over the edge because you bailed on him or he could go over the edge because every day his job comes between him and happiness with you, or he could go over the dge because he suffered thru years to make you happy and its impossible, or he could go over the edge for any number of reasons. its not your job to keep him mentally stable, its just not possible.

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    • Ya I know right? He offered to fail to get out for me, and I said hell no! I don't want him to throw away his career for me! True we are in love, but why should he risk his future on something that may not work?

  • I don't believe in war, and would not be with anyone who chooses to devote their life to it.

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  • Sweetie, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend is in the Navy and it is so hard. His hours are always changing, sometimes he will go to camps where he can't even call for weeks, and he hasn't even deployed yet. Its so hard but you really have to think about what he is doing for the country, and he needs to be reminded of why he joined in the first place. Military couples have to work twice as hard to be together, and it takes a huge toll on the relationship. It is worth it in the end though, eventually his contract will be up and all will be good. There is no such thing as an easy relationship, so just work extra hard to see each other. Every time my boyfriend goes away our relationship strengthens. Just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck, hope everything works out!

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  • i am very much against the military and war so basically I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I would try to avoid a relationship with someone who is a member of the military. but if I was dating someone now while we are still in high school and then he decides to join it would be a hard decision. if I really care about him I would stay with him.

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  • I couldn't date a military man because it would break my heart to have to have him leave for long periods of time and me not be able to see him for longer than one day I just couldn't do it...Its nothing against them I just ain't that strong of a woman..

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  • I chose D because to me, that's not a good excuse to break up with your significant other. I can't just LET GO of someone like that.

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  • okay so clearly you love this guy a lot or else you wouldn't care enough to ask for help so no argument about that. if you say you don't want a military man than seriously sit down and think about why. get a piece of paper and right down the pros and cons. think about what's really important. your happiness and his. class is ending so I gotta go but if you want to hear more message me.

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    • Thank you for being kind. I KNOW how controversial this topic is. I want to be there for him and do what I can, but I just can't deal with long distance. I have never found such a good match for me, and one that all my friends and family like, and his like me too. I'm just so scared that the distance will cause us to fight and break up.

  • voted B

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  • Hey, I'm about to be in your exact situation. If you're looking for someone to talk to, message me.

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    • Thank you, that's very kind of you :) but check the updates, we have it all worked out now and I'm actually very happy now. I guess all I needed was to know that he wants to b with me no matter what and is willing to make sacrifices to do it. I'm by his side no matter what now!

  • I was enlisted in the navy before so I say like most relationships it depends on the other person

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