Can I forgive his cheating?

I recently found out that 11 years ago my husband cheated on me with another woman. At the time we weren't married or even engaged and he was away at uni, but even so we were together in a long term relationship and I feel very betrayed. I had suspicions at the time as well which always led to an argument when I questioned him about things.

They had sex and it went on for about a year. He says it was a mistake he regretted and he allowed it to fizzle out when he left uni cos he decided he wanted a future with me. 2 years later we got engaged.

I dispute the fact it was a mistake as it went on too long and was like a relationship. She was married and pregnant when he started seeing her too! I feel like he settled for me but he says he always wanted me which is why never broke up.

We now have 3 kids and have been married 7 years, he swears it was a one off and it was so long ago. How do I get past it?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Okay, I get the fact that you have a problem that he betrayed you earlier in the relationship, but for the life of me, I don't see why this is "Still" an issue. The only thing that I can think of is that maybe you are out to destroy what you have gained between the two of you. Can you be happy? Do you want to be happy isn't the question but...Can you be happy?

    That was before your relationship got into a serious groove and obviously he loves you very much if he proposed, married, started a family and is still being a strong and powerful influence on your household. I could not imagine moving forward with someone that keeps bringing up the negative aspects of the past. He has done everything to show you that you are the only one for him and that he is satisfied.

    You are the problem and after 11 years later if you are still dwelling on this then you need to seek professional help. Not marriage counseling because it's not the marriage that has the problem, neither is it your husband. It's your own low self esteem, negativity and powerlessness (if that's a word). I would advise you to see someone before you loose something that you may not have deserved in the first place. Good Luck Ty_lady!

    P.S. You were not married at the time, so you were single. He did not belong to you, therefore, he technically...Didn't cheat!

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What Guys Said 5

  • Only you can answer if you can forgive him or not, everyone is different in their opinion of cheating. I agree with you though, a one time sexual encounter is a mistake. A year long relationship is something else entirely.

    Has he given you reason to doubt his faithfulness since? Has he been a good husband/father? Are you still happy with him (aside from this obviously)?

    If there's a hope of continuing the relationship I would suggest you seek professional counseling, either alone or with your husband.

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  • Move on, make him do something special for you like going on a trip together and renewing your vows or something...he needs to help you move on past this really old event, which happened before your marriage and before your engagement, BTW.

    If you do forgive him, be clear that you don't want him to ever do it again or you will leave with the children and take everything from him.

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  • I don't believe that this is the real reason for your distress. There is something else that is frustrating you but for some reason you can't plant your feet behind it and push hard. So this thing from the past is like a mask in front of the real reason. It works because you feel righteous about infidelity. Take a closer look at what is happening today, what is he doing that bothers you? Are you putting up with something publicly while privately it goes against your nature? Are you suppressing some emotion or ideal in order to keep up the appearance of a happy family? What about the other signs of frustration, have you recently become obsessed with some hobby like baking or gardening? Something that you can control completely and be assured of success? Is there something in your life now that you feel powerless to control, either because someone else has closed you out or you have closed yourself out?

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  • People cheat. Men cheat, women cheat. Cheating has become so common that I really can't blame the guy for doing it. I can't blame him for not telling you too. I can blame him for you eventually finding out. I'd say. put the betrayal aside. At least he didn't cheat on you since you were engaged on.

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  • damn I hope sh*t doesn't happen to me. you got handed a raw deal. id be mad that he told me after that long. of course it wasn't a mistake. sounds like this guy dis settle for you because he is scarred of being alone. does he know you found these letters. I would leave his ass. your life is going to be harder but wouldn't it be better to be loved then to be companioned.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Young dumb and full of come --- Ever heard that quote? It's very true.

    How about -- Men think with the wrong head? --- A very slim number of men would turn away a beautiful charismatic woman wanting to jump in the sack if they KNEW their wife would never find out.

    It was 11 years ago. He's completely committed to you. He fathered your children, married you, and has thus far devoted 7 years to you NOT her. She might have had a worm on her hook but honey you went home with the fish.

    If you want to get past it I suggest a quite date night IN. No kids, no stress, just a nice thoughtful dinner so you can TALK it out. Let him know how hurt and betrayed you felt and just talk yourself to forgiving him. Let him know that you're glad he was honest with you because TRUST ME it's VERY hard to bring up something you know is going to be so hurtful to the other person. I'm sure he told you because it his conscience was eating away at him, making him miserable. He wants to get past it and he too needs your help. He knows he screwed up so he doesn't need that rubbed in. He needs to know that while it wasn't acceptable and that you won't stand for that sort of betrayal, you do still love him and that you forgive him. Not because he was young, stupid, and just didn't think of consequences but because he is human, makes mistakes, is your husband whom you love dearly, and is the father of your children.

    He risked a lot just getting this off of his chest. You need to support his honesty because that is the first step into regaining each others trust. Right now I'm sure he's just waiting for the bridge to fall out from under him.

    I wish your family the best in these trying times.

    ~bnwsmile

    **note** just realized that this was 4 months ago so feel free to update us :)

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  • now you're second guessing your entire relationship which is understandable but it was when he was a very young man and he may be very different now. how did you find out?

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    • I found some letters she had sent him years ago when it happened. He didn't remember he had them and they weren't well hidden, but she talks of their sex, love and hopes of a future together! Yes he was only 23 and we used to argue due to being apart but I'm still hurt. When we married I thought I was the only person he had slept with and never thought he had ever cheated, now that's a lie. I do however believe that he has been faithful since we married and he is a good dad and at times husband

    • Im sorry he hurt you like that but if he is a faithful husband, he knows he made the right choice. I'm sure he has no regrets. his behavior would certainly show it if he did.

  • Don't let this destroy your marriage and life. If you are happy in your relationship with him now, then try to move on. This happend a very long time ago and you weren't engaged or married yet. Is it worth being upset and getting your kids upset over something that happened 11 years ago? Good Luck!

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  • i was with my boyfriend for 4 years...i was molested as a child so I had serious trust issues and I was a virgin when I met him. Well I found out that he cheated on me when we had only been dating for 6 months...i so angry and hurt that I packed my stuff and left. He called me and text me and I didn't talk to him for a week...we talked and he apologized and said he loved me and we went t oa therapist...for months I was still so angry and I couldn't get over it...one day his mom called me and she told me that her son was in love with me but I keep pushing him away and she knows he hurt me but I was hurting him just as much as he hurt me...i realized that I had to move on or let go...i went home and I sat him down and we talked and it was so amazing because I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of my shoulders! You have to make the same decision...you can't keep hurting yourself and you can't keep hurting him...

    From what you have told us I do see that he loves you...

    good luck!

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  • guys are ass holes, and womans are bitches!

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