I left my abusive relationship, but I still love the person. Should I go back?

I ended the relationship a few days ago because there were too many fights and misunderstandings. We've together for 2 years and during that time, there was some abuse (punching, kicking, choking, calling names, insults, etc.) and it became overall toxic and depressive. I know it's good that I got out of it, but I still think that maybe it'll change and it'll work out. As of the moment, I might be clouded with emotions of missing him and all, but I keep thinking maybe I should accept him the way he is even with the abuse. It's not good, nor is it healthy, but I still love him and want him in my life.

I just need someone's advice and opinion and a little push to which direction I should go. And if you think there's hope that he or our relationship can change, even just a bit.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • What caused the fights/violence? Fights, as in arguments can happen, that's natural, but violence is a big red flag. That doesn't sound like love to me, not at all. What does your heart tell you? Do you think you love him, if you have to question it? Or do you reckon it's just the craving for companionship after having broken up? Premature break ups is a thing that can happen in a spur of anger, but by the sound of what you described, it didn't sound like the relationship was overly healthy, if I am to be honest.

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    • The violence began back when we were physically together (I had to move away). At first we just have normal arguments - shouting all. But then one day, he got annoyed with something that I couldn't do and got impatient, which caused him to grab me by the neck (it was also in front of a child). He apologized, but after that he continued to be more physical with me whenever there was something I did that he didn't like. I started becoming scared of him and often had nightmares because of it. I didn't believe in verbal abuse before, but he would also put me down and tell me I'm a stupid bitch and call me names. It's affected me a lot and whenever we had an argument, I would pull out as quick as I can, which only fuels more to his anger. And yes, I do love him. I can still see the good in him somehow, but the bad things are just too much already. I still want him, but I don't want the relationship to continue like this anymore, where I'm afraid of everything I'll do.

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    • I have to be honest. Just a few months ago, we had a fight again and I couldn't take it anymore. I thought about killing myself so I took a kitchen knife and tried to cut my skin just to test it out, but it was dull. So I used razors instead and from then on... you get the picture. I didn't tend to the cuts and left them open and bleeding for two days, so know they've become keloid scars and are pretty nasty. Not once in my life did I try to hurt or kill myself, but it was just too much. On top of that, my family have ceased to consider me as part of the family, let alone their own child. I don't really have anyone to go to, nor do I have that much help either.

    • See this is what happens when you try to rush through life instead of following the natural pace. Then people begin to illogically devalue themselves, and get stuck in their own web of negativity. To have a future, you need to live, and leave the present. I seriously doubt that this is how your family feels, people in this mindset you're in, tend to exaggerate the truth even if that's not something you want to hear. It's okay to rely on your parents, or even your grandparents.

Most Helpful Girl

  • No. Love does not compensate for you to return back to an abusive situation. You love from a far overall but the romance must end. What you need really are therapy and self-evaluation. You are 16 years old. You should not be having this kind of issue at your age. This is a time for development or else you're going to have to stay out of dating until you're are 18, in college or out the house. Any problems you're having should be directed to your parents or a trusting adult. You are who you attract. If he is abusive, double check yourself to make sure you're not abusive because I'm sure you are in some ways if not all. And many of us, if not all of us have some type of abusive tendencies and it doesn't always have to be physical or just emotional. You may have feelings for him, but as another user have said which is true, you don't love him. Because you don't love yourself to get away from him. You can't expect your situation to change if you done change first.

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What Guys Said 23

  • Pretty much everyone is going to say "don't go back" but they are not offering advice. Here's the solution to your problem. You have to learn what you actually want in life from a dude. the reason why is because if you go back or not go back you will always be drawn to a certain type of guy so the the outcome of your relationships will be the same unless you become aware of what you'd like in a dude. Here's what to do. Now ignore your boyfriend for a second and do this.
    1. get paper and write down all of the things you would like in a boyfriend. Avoid writing particulars such as "nice nose". Instead just put like "attractive face". Write 60 things if you want, the more the better. Really think about each one though. Will it have a good effect on your relationship? Will it fulfill you?
    there are hundreds but things like empathy, sensitivity, honesty, loyalty, morale integrity, emotionally supportivness, faithfulness, and willingness to compromise are good ones.
    I know you may think "everyone wants an empathetic guy" but that's not true. Some people prefer to be left alone during hard times.
    Be as selfish as you want with the list too. Hell, add "Strong masculine hands" if that turns your crank big time and it's distasteful to have a girly-handed dude touching at you.
    Once you are done that list, add a star beside the ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE ones in a boyfriend.
    Ex for me: non-patriotic. that would be on my list. I cannot get along with people who are patriotic of their country. I just can't do it...

    On another sheet of paper do a list of yourself. What do you offer in that guys would like. Anything you can think of.
    Ex: I love women who are not afraid to get their hands dirty. they don't have to be a mechanic but I can't stand the whole "I'll break a nail".

    Now put a little check mark on all of the things your boyfriend is from your first list.
    Look at the list about you.
    Now for the ultimate question.

    Is he worth going back to? You are can you find a better match?

    If you cannot answer that question when you really think about it then right a list of all of the bad things about you that he hates and same about him then re-ask that question.

    If you realize he's not worth it and you want to try to move on remember that not one is perfect.
    When you are looking for partners you can look for personality traits they have that would likely suit what you want.
    Ex: sensitive and willingness to compromise types of guys are not the types who are loud & obnoxious.

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  • You dont love him. Loving and having feelings are not the same thing and your situation is the proof. The reason you dont love him is that you wouldn't love a guy who constantly hurts you. You hate him for it, if that wasn't the case you would not have left.

    Now here is where it gets interesting, knowing you dont love him you still feel strongly for him. Your still very attached which makes you want to go back. Ill help you get rid of this but the results won't be instant.

    The first step is knowing that love and feelings can go hand in hand but are not the same. Imagine the kind of love you probably share with your family, you likely love them for who they are and you probably got a bond with them. That is love, although not on a romantic level. Whats absent from that are the feelings you are feeling right now for him. Take it as proof its not the same.

    The second step is knowing these feelings can be tied to anything or nothing. Yes, they can just be there. While its possible they are tied to him its also possible they are tied to your memories of him or are there fir no reason at all. To test this take a look at one of his pictues when having mild feelings, did they increase and did you get pleasant thoughts? Tied to him. Got angry instead? There is a lot of pain accociated. Nothing happened? No feelings in play.

    If the above had no effect your already over him, your just still having leftover feelings caused by the released chemicals in your body. If it did its time to start conditioning your mind with thought control. Dont supress him from popping up in your mind but think about why you wanted to leave rather then fantasize how the happy ending be like. We both know he womt change so dont feed your feelings with an unrealistic fantasy.

    After doing these 3 you should have succesfully moved on. I can't tell you how long it will take but dont assume its not working if you had no effects the first few days.

    Best of luck and if you need more help feel free to pm and ill be a listening ear.

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  • Please do not go back to an abusive relationship. I wrote this article a little bit ago and it walks through my thoughts on it.

    divorcedmoms.com/.../a-plea-do-not-stay-one-more-minute-in-an-abusive-relationship

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  • Go back to him. The abuse was just him not being able to control his anger and other negative feelings and not respecting nor loving you enough to care about your well being and putting his feelings as a higher priority then your own. He's simply showing aggression where love and mildness, kindness, tenderness should be see I do not see why you would want to stay away from him?

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  • I believe you when you say " you still love him".. problem is you need to be careful and not get addicted to this type of behavior. You can certainly accept him the way he is... he is an abuser. Doesn't mean you can't be higher value then that and move forward with out him. Know who and what he is and most importantly what you deserve in life... it's certainly not this.

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  • No. It won't change. Your ex needs to seek mental help, but if you're rewarding him for his shitty behavior he won't. You're going to do whatever you want, but everyone who has a half-way objective look at this, can objectively say that going back is a bad idea.

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  • Sweetheart, he will not change. In fact, I recommend that you need to talk to a counselor a therapist because your mind has been corrupted. You have to relearn and accept that anyone who attacks you physically and abuses you does not love you. Abuse is not love; it's an excuse to control.

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  • Please, dont think he would habe changed. somewhen you will be able to forget him, but for now, dont go back to him. He's still The asshole he was before, and he doesn't deserve to get you back. so, dont do this. Keep chatting with friends of yours about this, and dont ever ever go back to him!

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  • I'm unsually all for talking things though and making relationships work, but for me abuse is inexcusable.

    My mother was in an abusive relationship for 20 years and trust me it doesn't get any easier. If he is already abusing you after two years it's not a good sign...

    I know it's hard to walk away sometimes but it will be better in the long run. You deserve to be happy and life without fear of being hurt or manipulated.

    honestly you're lucky you got out when you did because it only gets worse the longer you two are together. When my mom left my dad, he grabbed her by the neck and said he was going to f-ing kill her.

    I'm so glad that you made the right decision and I know that if you stick to your guns you're gonna be just fine.

    I truly wish you all the best
    -Matt

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  • Are you crazy? There was violent physical and mental abuse and you still want to be with a crazy guy like that? Women have been gravely injured and even killed for being with guys like that! You made the right choice, there is no going back now.

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  • Never regret for what happened.. If you feel that this relationship should be continued, go for it.. I you feel that you are with a wrong person, then leave him.🙂

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  • Don't go back. if he loved you he wouldn't abuse you

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  • I think your better off moving on , abuse from one of the partners
    can be detrimental even thou you still love the person you still run
    risk.

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  • You don't love him. If you did, you would not have left.

    You did the right thing; don't go back.

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  • It's totally normal to hope or think that it will change. Abusers are great at using your love for them to manipulate you into thinking this. But please trust me, it won't. Abusive people don't change. You've already done the hardest part (admitting it was abuse) and you've left. I know it's hard, but you need to stay strong and remember why you got out of that relationship. Someone who beats you isn't someone to spend your time with. You need a support system of family or friends or both to help you through this and remind you that you made the right choice in leaving

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  • is this an actual question the answer is obviously no!

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  • No. Absolutely not. You have no right to be abused. You deserve someone better 😊

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  • don't do bake to him never if you do he will treat you bad more than before

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  • Stockholm syndrome. I suggest you google it :)

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  • No, I think you shouldn't.

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What Girls Said 12

  • Don't go back to him! Stay away and over time you will stop missing him and be happy again. You did the right thing and just think about the future and how someday, you will be in a happy healthy relationship with someone who doesn't hurt you. You will be way happier without him in the long run

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  • Definitely do not go back to him. You deserve someone so much better, who knows and would never hurt you.
    It is disgusting for anyONE to use violence against another, especially in relationships and i am sorry you had to go through that.
    There are better and more importantly proper MEN (not the monster, stupid boy it sounds like) to date.
    Stay strong

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  • I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, there are people who like getting beaten arounds and stuff, but I don't think it's good for you. What if you get seriously hurt, or pregnant, or something? Can you trust this guy to stick around even if you love him? Does he love YOU?

    Animals are a great judge of character. Does this guy like animals? Do animals like him?

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  • I was in the exact same situation as you. It left me in a very dark place, but now that I've found the right person, I'm better. Please please please do not go back to him. He may make promises to be better, or that he's "changed", but he will fall back into his old habits. As much as you may miss him, it is healthier and safer for you to move on and find someone who doesn't hurt you.

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  • You'd be a fool to go back. It'll be hard on your own at first, and you'll miss him a lot , even though he was abusive. It's inevitable you'll miss someone when they've been part of your life everyday

    Find the courage to be on your own , and you'll regain your strengh to stand alone. You need to become mentally and emotionally stronger , so you don't want to go running back to the one person who " broke" you.

    You need more self- respect and more self- esteem then you'll never again settle for a guy who has a detrimental effect on your entire well- being.

    If you move on , one day you'll look back and be thankful that you didn't go back to a guy you thought you deserved. There's so many guys out their who'll view you as precious , so why settle for an abuser , who has no respect for you at all

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  • Time heals everything, don't go back to him. You will get hurt more.

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  • don't go back - abusers never change.

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  • Do not go back!!

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    • My brother-in-law's soon-to-be-ex wife was both emotionally and physically abusive to him throughout their entire 13 year relationship, and got even worse after they got married. He should have left her long ago but she made him feel worthless and like he didn't deserve better. They ended up having my nephew almost two years ago, and before he even turned one she went too far and violently attacked my brother-in-law and abused him emotionally in a way I wouldn't dream of doing even to my worst enemy (and this was far from being the first time). Finally, he left. Even for months after he wanted to go back to her but she decided she wanted a divorce because he "wasn't good enough for her." Now, a year later he is so much happier that he is out of this relationship, he has somebody new in his life who is the complete opposite of his ex, he has his son and his family. Recently she actually tried to get back with him but he said absolutely not. Hope this story helps you in your decision.

  • No never go back to an abusive relationship

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  • That's not love. That's emotional attachment.

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  • No way

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  • You won't be happy so just try to forget

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